I read an article in REAL SIMPLE this week about a woman with breast cancer. It was eery to read. Things that she has gone thru sounded and felt so much like my own experience.
One thing the author said, after she had starting getting exhausted with the experience, which I think is the stage I am in lately, is that she got really sick of being the one that makes others feel like their lives are blessed. That is EXACTLY how I have felt lately. I am tired of feeling like people meet me or talk to me, and walk away later and discuss how blessed their lives are in comparison to mine. And I know people do this. I would have done this after talking to a cancer patient if it had been a year ago...
Less than three weeks and I am back to "normal"...whatever that is. I dont think things will ever be the same, but Im sure I will create a new "normal." I cant wait to look normal so that people cant easily distinguish me as sick...
Dont get me wrong, I am glad that people have the opportunity to sit and examine their lives for a moment and realize how good they have it. But I still feel like, in general, I am blessed too. (Have you seen my ADORABLE kids and hunky husband???)
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
September 22 2011
Its been awhile since I really wrote on here...so I am attempting.
I am on the home stretch. I have 4 more weekly chemo treatments left. That means roughly 45 days before my head is less shiny, and has a little bit of stubble...About 45 days till I need to start shaving my legs more than once a month (well...this is still questionable! ha!). I should be excited, but I am drained. These last four weeks feel like they should already be over. Im kinda at my wits end with the whole ordeal. Im tired of being tired.
Generally, I am very good about keeping the end in sight. With most everything, I always see a problem as a temporary issue and work on an immediate solution. With other issues in our lives, I think "We will get thru this" and just keep plugging along. And for the last 7 months I have been doing that, but its getting old. :(
Heres what is new: I am a regular ol four eyes now! Yep, I have glasses. The chemo has changed my eyesight, which is fairly normal, and after chemo is over, I have been told my sight might change more or go back to before. I have had a ton of issues with my eyes. I have had eye einfections and I have chronic dry eyes. Gritty, red, itchy, achy eyes. Just about every day. I sleep with the humidifier right next to me by the bed and an eye mask on...I convince myself that is supposed to help. But who knows? I have lost most of my eyelashes so that cuts down on the protection from stuff getting in my eyes. Also, I have been having to "draw" on my eyebrows a lot more lately.
I have been back to work for a little over two weeks. Its not hard work but it wears me out. Just the absence of my daily naps. :) There were a few nights in the last weeks that I have laid down in my bed with Alayna on one side, Paxon on the other and passed out as soon as the lights went out. I know the kids probably jumped on the bed, fought eachother or just sat talking for awhile, but I didnt hear any of it! When I woke up later in the night, and they were sleeping in totally different spots, I was slightly confused. But more worried about where exactly my husband was... I found him sleeping in Alaynas bed. When he had come to bed, he had thought we were "too cute" to move either kid to their beds. So in result, I had feet in my back AND stomache. :)
This last week has been a tough one emotionally. I lost a friend this week. I met her at the cancer center and she had chemo every Friday with me. We shared hours together every week since May. I knew from her about her family, about her old work, about her dreams for when she kicked the cancer. One week and a half ago, on Friday, she didnt come back to the "chemo" room after I saw her and talked to her in the waiting room. I found out later, she had been admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. Long story short, she didnt leave the hospital. She went into the arms of the Lord yesterday. I have been sad and confused for so many reasons. I am sad to lose her, Fridays will be very different without her to talk to and nap with. I am sad for her family because I know that we never expect this result and never even typically let ourselves feel that this could happen. We all believe the best will happen. I do it myself. Its hard to believe that we can die. As we both sat, doing our treatments, we both believed we were getting better. If we didnt believe that, we wouldnt be doing what we were doing. Believe it or not, chemo is not a walk in the park. Until now, I have never questioned whether or not I was getting better, week by week. Now I realize that nothing is guaranteed. Its scary. Unsettling. Control-freak me has a real hard time having such little control of my health and my future. (and my hair and my boobs and my energy levels :P )
My husband and kids are still great. They keep my life normal and help me forget about everything else. Sometimes, they are also wear me out...but I assume that would be true whether I had cancer or not. :) Alayna and Alexa are in preschool now and Alayna is going to dance class each week. I am sometimes more excited for her, as she goes off to her classes. Its fun to watch them grow up...bittersweet to leave her in a classroom in the morning and know that she is gonna do just fine with out me. I do appreciate all the hugs and kisses she gives me before I leave though! :)
Theres my blog today. Its been awhile and it may be awhile again before I have something "important" to say.
I am on the home stretch. I have 4 more weekly chemo treatments left. That means roughly 45 days before my head is less shiny, and has a little bit of stubble...About 45 days till I need to start shaving my legs more than once a month (well...this is still questionable! ha!). I should be excited, but I am drained. These last four weeks feel like they should already be over. Im kinda at my wits end with the whole ordeal. Im tired of being tired.
Generally, I am very good about keeping the end in sight. With most everything, I always see a problem as a temporary issue and work on an immediate solution. With other issues in our lives, I think "We will get thru this" and just keep plugging along. And for the last 7 months I have been doing that, but its getting old. :(
Heres what is new: I am a regular ol four eyes now! Yep, I have glasses. The chemo has changed my eyesight, which is fairly normal, and after chemo is over, I have been told my sight might change more or go back to before. I have had a ton of issues with my eyes. I have had eye einfections and I have chronic dry eyes. Gritty, red, itchy, achy eyes. Just about every day. I sleep with the humidifier right next to me by the bed and an eye mask on...I convince myself that is supposed to help. But who knows? I have lost most of my eyelashes so that cuts down on the protection from stuff getting in my eyes. Also, I have been having to "draw" on my eyebrows a lot more lately.
I have been back to work for a little over two weeks. Its not hard work but it wears me out. Just the absence of my daily naps. :) There were a few nights in the last weeks that I have laid down in my bed with Alayna on one side, Paxon on the other and passed out as soon as the lights went out. I know the kids probably jumped on the bed, fought eachother or just sat talking for awhile, but I didnt hear any of it! When I woke up later in the night, and they were sleeping in totally different spots, I was slightly confused. But more worried about where exactly my husband was... I found him sleeping in Alaynas bed. When he had come to bed, he had thought we were "too cute" to move either kid to their beds. So in result, I had feet in my back AND stomache. :)
This last week has been a tough one emotionally. I lost a friend this week. I met her at the cancer center and she had chemo every Friday with me. We shared hours together every week since May. I knew from her about her family, about her old work, about her dreams for when she kicked the cancer. One week and a half ago, on Friday, she didnt come back to the "chemo" room after I saw her and talked to her in the waiting room. I found out later, she had been admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. Long story short, she didnt leave the hospital. She went into the arms of the Lord yesterday. I have been sad and confused for so many reasons. I am sad to lose her, Fridays will be very different without her to talk to and nap with. I am sad for her family because I know that we never expect this result and never even typically let ourselves feel that this could happen. We all believe the best will happen. I do it myself. Its hard to believe that we can die. As we both sat, doing our treatments, we both believed we were getting better. If we didnt believe that, we wouldnt be doing what we were doing. Believe it or not, chemo is not a walk in the park. Until now, I have never questioned whether or not I was getting better, week by week. Now I realize that nothing is guaranteed. Its scary. Unsettling. Control-freak me has a real hard time having such little control of my health and my future. (and my hair and my boobs and my energy levels :P )
My husband and kids are still great. They keep my life normal and help me forget about everything else. Sometimes, they are also wear me out...but I assume that would be true whether I had cancer or not. :) Alayna and Alexa are in preschool now and Alayna is going to dance class each week. I am sometimes more excited for her, as she goes off to her classes. Its fun to watch them grow up...bittersweet to leave her in a classroom in the morning and know that she is gonna do just fine with out me. I do appreciate all the hugs and kisses she gives me before I leave though! :)
Theres my blog today. Its been awhile and it may be awhile again before I have something "important" to say.
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