Just a quick update.
Im done with Taxol weekly. Have been done for a few weeks with that, and I have realized that taxol was what I was allergic to, because I have still been doing herceptin and my rash is gone. Thats a relief.
I will be doing herceptin every three weeks until July. Its not so bad...time consuming but ok. I will also start tamoxifen this week. This is the medication that will block estrogen and progesterone hormones from producing. (I think)
My hair is stubbles. Not thick yet, but it is starting to grow somewhat.. so theres always something to look forward to! :)
I have had the discussion (again) to clarify about my ability to conceive. My doctor said that it is somewhat possible, but he would not recommend it now. In fact, he says if I got pregnant in next few years, he would encourage abortion. (Terrible!) Because I will now be on tamoxifin for 5 years, I will most likely be infertile. And even if I am not, he would not want me to get pregnant for roughly 4 years. If I did decide to try to concieve after that time, it poses a risk of cancer reoccurance because of the increase in estrogen and progesterone levels during and after pregnancy. (Remember, I am estrogen and progesterone positive, meaning my cancer spreads more when there are those hormones present)
So I have succumbed to the fact that biologically, I am finished. I know that I am lucky that I have my children, but its still sad. I wish I had known that Paxon would be my last pregnancy and delivery. I would have cherished it more.
Theres always the adoption option and we really, really consider that. We have always considered it, even before this situation. But international adoptions require cancer patients to be in remission for 5 years before even being able to start the paperwork. That would mean it will be 7 or 8 years before we would be actually adopting. We may look into adopting domestically, from the foster care system. Who knows? Sometimes I am scared for the children I have now, scared that they may not have their mom around forever. I know as time goes on, our path will become abundantly clear. Sometimes waiting for that kills me. Id like to know right now what our future holds.
Last week, I had bronchitis. It wiped me out. I was actually super scared that I had pneumonia. I know that I am a little skiddish, but if I am sick, I want to fix it quickly so it doesnt get so bad that it is unfixable.
Im better now. Back to chasing kids and cleaning messes! :) Back to the stuff I live for.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
October 9th, 2011
Statistics:
Ive never written on here about my "numbers." But I have been thinking about them a lot lately.
Based on my type of cancer and the stage at which we found it, I have a 75% chance at surviving the next 5 years, meaning not dying from this or recurring cancer. These numbers are based on me having the surgery AND chemotherapy. If I hadnt done the chemotherapy, the numbers are lower.
These numbers are all over the internet, and are concurrent with what my doctor has advised me.
I dont know about you, but knowing that "statisticly" I have a 25% chance at dying before my son turns 7 years old, freaks me out! It doesnt sound like "good and favorable" odds.
I have a lot I want to do still...and this whole year has somewhat limited me in what I can do, physically and financially. I makes me angry, really. But I cant wait to move on from this stage (chemo and weekly dr visits) and start really living...no matter how long it is that I get a chance to do so.
I AM going to do a missions trip to an orphanage in Africa, no matter how I manage to get it done, in the next five years. I AM going to see the ocean (I still have never..I know thats crazy) with my kids and collect seashells. I AM going to continue to live for all the giggles and squeals from my kiddos. I AM going to do the Susan Komen 3-day walk/run next year...and I have a lot of training to do to get ready for it! And I AM going to encourage my children's relationship with Jesus throughout the next few years, so they know of His love now and forever.
Thats just what is important on my mind today. Ha, arent I crazy?
Little bit of whats going on this week:
Im allergic to something. My hands, feet, really whole body is sooo itchy. I have a rash especially on my hands and feet. I have had it a little bit for about a month but it starting getting pretty terrible to stand. Constant itching kinda makes me crazy. The doctor is thinking that it may be an allergic reaction to the herceptin. I had to start taking prednisone, and benadryl. Had to have a Ct scan to rule out a pulmonary embolism, an echocardiagram to check my heart and a 24 hr heart monitor. All came back ok. Still a little itchy, and doctor did not give me chemo this week.
If I am actually allergic to herceptin, it poses a bit of a problem for me. Because I am Her2+, herceptin is the only drug to use and very important to stop the growth of any cancerous cells. The doctor plans to continue to give me herceptin for another 9 months. Her2+ is the most aggressive, fastest growing form of breast cancer, so I would be much better off taking herceptin, than not. The doctor mentioned giving me herceptin, but also prescribing me prednisone with it. I will know more next week.
Ive never written on here about my "numbers." But I have been thinking about them a lot lately.
Based on my type of cancer and the stage at which we found it, I have a 75% chance at surviving the next 5 years, meaning not dying from this or recurring cancer. These numbers are based on me having the surgery AND chemotherapy. If I hadnt done the chemotherapy, the numbers are lower.
These numbers are all over the internet, and are concurrent with what my doctor has advised me.
I dont know about you, but knowing that "statisticly" I have a 25% chance at dying before my son turns 7 years old, freaks me out! It doesnt sound like "good and favorable" odds.
I have a lot I want to do still...and this whole year has somewhat limited me in what I can do, physically and financially. I makes me angry, really. But I cant wait to move on from this stage (chemo and weekly dr visits) and start really living...no matter how long it is that I get a chance to do so.
I AM going to do a missions trip to an orphanage in Africa, no matter how I manage to get it done, in the next five years. I AM going to see the ocean (I still have never..I know thats crazy) with my kids and collect seashells. I AM going to continue to live for all the giggles and squeals from my kiddos. I AM going to do the Susan Komen 3-day walk/run next year...and I have a lot of training to do to get ready for it! And I AM going to encourage my children's relationship with Jesus throughout the next few years, so they know of His love now and forever.
Thats just what is important on my mind today. Ha, arent I crazy?
Little bit of whats going on this week:
Im allergic to something. My hands, feet, really whole body is sooo itchy. I have a rash especially on my hands and feet. I have had it a little bit for about a month but it starting getting pretty terrible to stand. Constant itching kinda makes me crazy. The doctor is thinking that it may be an allergic reaction to the herceptin. I had to start taking prednisone, and benadryl. Had to have a Ct scan to rule out a pulmonary embolism, an echocardiagram to check my heart and a 24 hr heart monitor. All came back ok. Still a little itchy, and doctor did not give me chemo this week.
If I am actually allergic to herceptin, it poses a bit of a problem for me. Because I am Her2+, herceptin is the only drug to use and very important to stop the growth of any cancerous cells. The doctor plans to continue to give me herceptin for another 9 months. Her2+ is the most aggressive, fastest growing form of breast cancer, so I would be much better off taking herceptin, than not. The doctor mentioned giving me herceptin, but also prescribing me prednisone with it. I will know more next week.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
October 1st, 2011
Its October 1st, meaning Breast Cancer Awareness Month has kicked off! Today Dan and I, with the kids, took part in the Pink Ribbon 5k Run/Walk (emphasis on WALK) in Cedar Falls. Gena, her boyfriend, Tyler and my good friend Stacy Doughan and her daughter Courtney joined us. It was so good to get out and see sooo much support in one place. (So much pink) Crossing the finish line, I felt a little emotional, even though I had just walked the whole way. It felt great to be a part of something where so many people come out to support and encourage the survivors or people going through the whole process right now.
Yesterday, I found out that although I am going to be done with the drug Taxol for good, I am not nearly done with chemo. I am also doing herceptin with the taxol right now, and was told that I will be continuing to get herceptin treatments for another 9 months. So, boo! I thought I was almost done. Not close. The good thing is herceptin doesnt affect my hair, so after I am done with taxol, I will still start growing hair back. Thats fun. My head is pretty darn cold these days!
Yesterday, I found out that although I am going to be done with the drug Taxol for good, I am not nearly done with chemo. I am also doing herceptin with the taxol right now, and was told that I will be continuing to get herceptin treatments for another 9 months. So, boo! I thought I was almost done. Not close. The good thing is herceptin doesnt affect my hair, so after I am done with taxol, I will still start growing hair back. Thats fun. My head is pretty darn cold these days!
Monday, September 26, 2011
September 26th, 2011
I read an article in REAL SIMPLE this week about a woman with breast cancer. It was eery to read. Things that she has gone thru sounded and felt so much like my own experience.
One thing the author said, after she had starting getting exhausted with the experience, which I think is the stage I am in lately, is that she got really sick of being the one that makes others feel like their lives are blessed. That is EXACTLY how I have felt lately. I am tired of feeling like people meet me or talk to me, and walk away later and discuss how blessed their lives are in comparison to mine. And I know people do this. I would have done this after talking to a cancer patient if it had been a year ago...
Less than three weeks and I am back to "normal"...whatever that is. I dont think things will ever be the same, but Im sure I will create a new "normal." I cant wait to look normal so that people cant easily distinguish me as sick...
Dont get me wrong, I am glad that people have the opportunity to sit and examine their lives for a moment and realize how good they have it. But I still feel like, in general, I am blessed too. (Have you seen my ADORABLE kids and hunky husband???)
One thing the author said, after she had starting getting exhausted with the experience, which I think is the stage I am in lately, is that she got really sick of being the one that makes others feel like their lives are blessed. That is EXACTLY how I have felt lately. I am tired of feeling like people meet me or talk to me, and walk away later and discuss how blessed their lives are in comparison to mine. And I know people do this. I would have done this after talking to a cancer patient if it had been a year ago...
Less than three weeks and I am back to "normal"...whatever that is. I dont think things will ever be the same, but Im sure I will create a new "normal." I cant wait to look normal so that people cant easily distinguish me as sick...
Dont get me wrong, I am glad that people have the opportunity to sit and examine their lives for a moment and realize how good they have it. But I still feel like, in general, I am blessed too. (Have you seen my ADORABLE kids and hunky husband???)
Thursday, September 22, 2011
September 22 2011
Its been awhile since I really wrote on here...so I am attempting.
I am on the home stretch. I have 4 more weekly chemo treatments left. That means roughly 45 days before my head is less shiny, and has a little bit of stubble...About 45 days till I need to start shaving my legs more than once a month (well...this is still questionable! ha!). I should be excited, but I am drained. These last four weeks feel like they should already be over. Im kinda at my wits end with the whole ordeal. Im tired of being tired.
Generally, I am very good about keeping the end in sight. With most everything, I always see a problem as a temporary issue and work on an immediate solution. With other issues in our lives, I think "We will get thru this" and just keep plugging along. And for the last 7 months I have been doing that, but its getting old. :(
Heres what is new: I am a regular ol four eyes now! Yep, I have glasses. The chemo has changed my eyesight, which is fairly normal, and after chemo is over, I have been told my sight might change more or go back to before. I have had a ton of issues with my eyes. I have had eye einfections and I have chronic dry eyes. Gritty, red, itchy, achy eyes. Just about every day. I sleep with the humidifier right next to me by the bed and an eye mask on...I convince myself that is supposed to help. But who knows? I have lost most of my eyelashes so that cuts down on the protection from stuff getting in my eyes. Also, I have been having to "draw" on my eyebrows a lot more lately.
I have been back to work for a little over two weeks. Its not hard work but it wears me out. Just the absence of my daily naps. :) There were a few nights in the last weeks that I have laid down in my bed with Alayna on one side, Paxon on the other and passed out as soon as the lights went out. I know the kids probably jumped on the bed, fought eachother or just sat talking for awhile, but I didnt hear any of it! When I woke up later in the night, and they were sleeping in totally different spots, I was slightly confused. But more worried about where exactly my husband was... I found him sleeping in Alaynas bed. When he had come to bed, he had thought we were "too cute" to move either kid to their beds. So in result, I had feet in my back AND stomache. :)
This last week has been a tough one emotionally. I lost a friend this week. I met her at the cancer center and she had chemo every Friday with me. We shared hours together every week since May. I knew from her about her family, about her old work, about her dreams for when she kicked the cancer. One week and a half ago, on Friday, she didnt come back to the "chemo" room after I saw her and talked to her in the waiting room. I found out later, she had been admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. Long story short, she didnt leave the hospital. She went into the arms of the Lord yesterday. I have been sad and confused for so many reasons. I am sad to lose her, Fridays will be very different without her to talk to and nap with. I am sad for her family because I know that we never expect this result and never even typically let ourselves feel that this could happen. We all believe the best will happen. I do it myself. Its hard to believe that we can die. As we both sat, doing our treatments, we both believed we were getting better. If we didnt believe that, we wouldnt be doing what we were doing. Believe it or not, chemo is not a walk in the park. Until now, I have never questioned whether or not I was getting better, week by week. Now I realize that nothing is guaranteed. Its scary. Unsettling. Control-freak me has a real hard time having such little control of my health and my future. (and my hair and my boobs and my energy levels :P )
My husband and kids are still great. They keep my life normal and help me forget about everything else. Sometimes, they are also wear me out...but I assume that would be true whether I had cancer or not. :) Alayna and Alexa are in preschool now and Alayna is going to dance class each week. I am sometimes more excited for her, as she goes off to her classes. Its fun to watch them grow up...bittersweet to leave her in a classroom in the morning and know that she is gonna do just fine with out me. I do appreciate all the hugs and kisses she gives me before I leave though! :)
Theres my blog today. Its been awhile and it may be awhile again before I have something "important" to say.
I am on the home stretch. I have 4 more weekly chemo treatments left. That means roughly 45 days before my head is less shiny, and has a little bit of stubble...About 45 days till I need to start shaving my legs more than once a month (well...this is still questionable! ha!). I should be excited, but I am drained. These last four weeks feel like they should already be over. Im kinda at my wits end with the whole ordeal. Im tired of being tired.
Generally, I am very good about keeping the end in sight. With most everything, I always see a problem as a temporary issue and work on an immediate solution. With other issues in our lives, I think "We will get thru this" and just keep plugging along. And for the last 7 months I have been doing that, but its getting old. :(
Heres what is new: I am a regular ol four eyes now! Yep, I have glasses. The chemo has changed my eyesight, which is fairly normal, and after chemo is over, I have been told my sight might change more or go back to before. I have had a ton of issues with my eyes. I have had eye einfections and I have chronic dry eyes. Gritty, red, itchy, achy eyes. Just about every day. I sleep with the humidifier right next to me by the bed and an eye mask on...I convince myself that is supposed to help. But who knows? I have lost most of my eyelashes so that cuts down on the protection from stuff getting in my eyes. Also, I have been having to "draw" on my eyebrows a lot more lately.
I have been back to work for a little over two weeks. Its not hard work but it wears me out. Just the absence of my daily naps. :) There were a few nights in the last weeks that I have laid down in my bed with Alayna on one side, Paxon on the other and passed out as soon as the lights went out. I know the kids probably jumped on the bed, fought eachother or just sat talking for awhile, but I didnt hear any of it! When I woke up later in the night, and they were sleeping in totally different spots, I was slightly confused. But more worried about where exactly my husband was... I found him sleeping in Alaynas bed. When he had come to bed, he had thought we were "too cute" to move either kid to their beds. So in result, I had feet in my back AND stomache. :)
This last week has been a tough one emotionally. I lost a friend this week. I met her at the cancer center and she had chemo every Friday with me. We shared hours together every week since May. I knew from her about her family, about her old work, about her dreams for when she kicked the cancer. One week and a half ago, on Friday, she didnt come back to the "chemo" room after I saw her and talked to her in the waiting room. I found out later, she had been admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. Long story short, she didnt leave the hospital. She went into the arms of the Lord yesterday. I have been sad and confused for so many reasons. I am sad to lose her, Fridays will be very different without her to talk to and nap with. I am sad for her family because I know that we never expect this result and never even typically let ourselves feel that this could happen. We all believe the best will happen. I do it myself. Its hard to believe that we can die. As we both sat, doing our treatments, we both believed we were getting better. If we didnt believe that, we wouldnt be doing what we were doing. Believe it or not, chemo is not a walk in the park. Until now, I have never questioned whether or not I was getting better, week by week. Now I realize that nothing is guaranteed. Its scary. Unsettling. Control-freak me has a real hard time having such little control of my health and my future. (and my hair and my boobs and my energy levels :P )
My husband and kids are still great. They keep my life normal and help me forget about everything else. Sometimes, they are also wear me out...but I assume that would be true whether I had cancer or not. :) Alayna and Alexa are in preschool now and Alayna is going to dance class each week. I am sometimes more excited for her, as she goes off to her classes. Its fun to watch them grow up...bittersweet to leave her in a classroom in the morning and know that she is gonna do just fine with out me. I do appreciate all the hugs and kisses she gives me before I leave though! :)
Theres my blog today. Its been awhile and it may be awhile again before I have something "important" to say.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
August 20, 2011 /April 21 2010
Ive been thinking about this idea of living with a purpose thing a lot, and it brings me back to something I wrote on my "mommy" blog last year. So I am posting that blog here. Originally written April 2010. Im more sure now than ever I was right about all that I wrote in that blog over year ago.
My purpose
I have been doing a lot of praying, contemplating, list-making, and discussing the idea of Gods purpose for each life he creates. In particular, I have been asking him to show me (in some miraculous way) or help me understand what His purpose is for me so that I may live it. I dont believe that I was created for the ordinary, to live ordinarily. I believe I was created to do big things!
I think I have found my purpose, or rather it found me.
Furthermore, I believe that God instilled this purpose in my heart at a very young age.
Growing up, I never had a strong "calling" to any particular career, but as most high school graduates do, I believed I HAD to go to college. In 2001, I enrolled as an early elementary education major at University of Northern Iowa. I remember thinking that "Hey, I LOVE kids, I love being around them, I could do this all day!" I also had had an amazing third grade teacher who I had idolized growing up, and thought "I will be just like her! I will make kids' days at school fun!" I attended as an elementary school major for 2 yrs, and quickly the classes bored me, and it didnt seem as much "fun" as I expected it to be. The final straw was when I did my first field experience in my very own elementary school, with a teacher I knew well, and had been my sisters 2nd grade teacher. I could see the stress she experienced, I could see the demands placed on ONE woman by 23 little bodies, all needing or thinking they needed her undivided attention. Oh, how she loved having me there to help! After that month, I had decided that I, in fact, wasnt cut out to be a teacher, or at least in the sense of mainstream American schools. (Couldnt I just have a class of 6?) I was a little discouraged, but took the summer, and a terrible break up with an equally terrible boyfriend to "decide" on a new career.
Again, I thought, "I love kids, and I want to help kids and be instrumental in the lives of young children" but this time I took a more humanitarian approach. I decided I wanted to be a social work major. I played with the idea of being a school counselor, but really wanted to be an advocate for families with small children. And I also played with the idea of working for an adoption agency, helping place orphans or given up children with wonderful families. I just didnt know how I was going to make a difference all on my own. And although, I had (still have) the passion for those things, I got distraught and distracted with the school part of it, and in 2005 dropped out of college.
It was also in late 2005, that I met Dan (or knew of him) when he began working at CBE where I was now working full-time, since not attending school. In 2006, we began our dating relationship. And by December 2006, we bought a house and lived together alone without room mates (we had previously been room mates BEFORE dating..weird, I know). When that mortgage was drawn up, and those house keys were handed over, I dreamed of marriage, kids and happiness with this man. But we were immature, and to a large degree selfish, and our relationship ended in late July 2007. To get away from it all, I moved to Des Moines to "start over". How ironic that is. Dan visited me in Des Moines several weekends after I had moved there, and I had not given up on the idea that we would get back together. After many long distance talks and texts, and several sole searching nights, we began dating again in early November. A week after Thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant.
It whirlwinded from there. Dan almost immediately moved to Des Moines with me, and in February proposed to me and on May 3, 2008, we were married. I was happy, sooo happy and in love...with my husband and with my baby (GIRL) on the way!
Then a bomb went off! Shortly after getting married, Dan recieved a notice for paternity and child support of a girl that was nearly a year old by a woman he had one night stand with a month prior to us beginning our dating relationship. He took a paternity test, convinced he was not the father. Why would the mother be doing this now?? It came back 99.99% positive that he was the father of a one year old girl, named Alexa Reighn.
A month a half later, our sweet little 7 lb 1 oz baby girl was born and we named her Alayna Danielle. I had never felt such happiness. Never seen anyone so beautiful. And couldnt get over the amazement of parenthood, or this angel bedside in her bassinet. What a miracle God creates when he creates life. It is absolutely unsurmountable and an incredible testimony to His existance.
Shortly after Alaynas birth, we moved back to Waterloo, to the home we had there and began a year long custody battle over his other daughter, whom we did not know. Without getting into much detail, we needed to move back to be here near our family. We needed a support system behind us and my parents were just 20 miles away in Waverly. Without them, we would have had a hard time affording just the basic things, after Dans HUGE child support started getting taken from his paychecks. All at once, we had been hit with TREMENDOUS child support obligations, and now had a new baby with all the expenses that comes with that. I was scared. My mother saved us a lot by babysitting Alayna. Eventually, we gained visitation rights, joint legal and physical custody of Alexa.
When Alayna was 5 months, I had my yearly "womanly" exam. I asked if they would take a urine pregnancy test. Sure enough, I was pregnant again. Why had I asked them to give me this test, you might ask. Because that whole week I had been craving McDonalds...the very same thing I craved when pregnant with Alayna. We were not trying to have a baby so soon, and really were not expecting it. But we were thrilled, and a little nervous.
In October, we delivered Paxon Stephen, our first boy, weighing in at 8 lbs 14.6 oz! Did he ever make his daddy proud!! We have a future football star on our hands, according to Dan.
Each one of our children were unplanned by us, but planned by God alone. This statement by itself gives me reason to praise Him all day, every day. I have so much joy being with my children, watching them laugh, watching them learn, hearing them from the other side of a bedroom door giggling in bed together after lights have been turned off, I even enjoy watching Alayna be naughty and giggle about it. (Im amazed at how smart she is and how she has learned to "play" us, and I cant help but be a little proud of her for it.) I love the noises and the babbling Pax does.
I am a very different mother than I thought I would be. I believed I would be strict. Im not. I am lenient and a push-over. I thought I would be head over heels stressed with the responsibilities of 3 children 3yrs and younger in my home. Im not. Its soo much easier than could be imagined. It helps that I have pretty healthy, happy kids. But now I yearn to add to our family by the gift of adoption. Some people, I know look at me like Im crazy when I say I want to add to my zoo. But its what I feel is the right things for us.
I believe I was made for THIS. I believe I was made to be a mother. A mommy to Alayna and Paxon, a step "momma" to Alexa and someday an adoptive mother to other children. When discussing with others about the idea of what I feel is my purpose, I hear a voice in my head saying "Im a mother. THis is it" and I truly feel this is Gods desire. I sense that people, especially in our society now, feel that saying "I want to be a mother", not "I want to be a lawyer, doctor or teacher" is not good enough. I feel like its viewed as an unworthy answer. But I was driving one day, on my way to pick up my kids, thinking about this very thing, and a voice in my head said "Valerie, who is the most influential, most remembered woman in Christianity?" I thought MARY, OF COURSE. "And what is she remembered for? Does the bible note her as a baker, a seamstress, a cook? But is she known as being the mother of Jesus Christ, a woman I chose to raise my son? What is a more noteworthy job than that?"
So true. What is better than that? I have no shame to say my purpose is to be a mother, and I will do it everyday with passion and love, just how God intended for me. How amazing is He, that gave me this life and this "career path"...and has guided me on this road, right to what he wanted me to be.
I think I have found my purpose, or rather it found me.
Furthermore, I believe that God instilled this purpose in my heart at a very young age.
Growing up, I never had a strong "calling" to any particular career, but as most high school graduates do, I believed I HAD to go to college. In 2001, I enrolled as an early elementary education major at University of Northern Iowa. I remember thinking that "Hey, I LOVE kids, I love being around them, I could do this all day!" I also had had an amazing third grade teacher who I had idolized growing up, and thought "I will be just like her! I will make kids' days at school fun!" I attended as an elementary school major for 2 yrs, and quickly the classes bored me, and it didnt seem as much "fun" as I expected it to be. The final straw was when I did my first field experience in my very own elementary school, with a teacher I knew well, and had been my sisters 2nd grade teacher. I could see the stress she experienced, I could see the demands placed on ONE woman by 23 little bodies, all needing or thinking they needed her undivided attention. Oh, how she loved having me there to help! After that month, I had decided that I, in fact, wasnt cut out to be a teacher, or at least in the sense of mainstream American schools. (Couldnt I just have a class of 6?) I was a little discouraged, but took the summer, and a terrible break up with an equally terrible boyfriend to "decide" on a new career.
Again, I thought, "I love kids, and I want to help kids and be instrumental in the lives of young children" but this time I took a more humanitarian approach. I decided I wanted to be a social work major. I played with the idea of being a school counselor, but really wanted to be an advocate for families with small children. And I also played with the idea of working for an adoption agency, helping place orphans or given up children with wonderful families. I just didnt know how I was going to make a difference all on my own. And although, I had (still have) the passion for those things, I got distraught and distracted with the school part of it, and in 2005 dropped out of college.
It was also in late 2005, that I met Dan (or knew of him) when he began working at CBE where I was now working full-time, since not attending school. In 2006, we began our dating relationship. And by December 2006, we bought a house and lived together alone without room mates (we had previously been room mates BEFORE dating..weird, I know). When that mortgage was drawn up, and those house keys were handed over, I dreamed of marriage, kids and happiness with this man. But we were immature, and to a large degree selfish, and our relationship ended in late July 2007. To get away from it all, I moved to Des Moines to "start over". How ironic that is. Dan visited me in Des Moines several weekends after I had moved there, and I had not given up on the idea that we would get back together. After many long distance talks and texts, and several sole searching nights, we began dating again in early November. A week after Thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant.
It whirlwinded from there. Dan almost immediately moved to Des Moines with me, and in February proposed to me and on May 3, 2008, we were married. I was happy, sooo happy and in love...with my husband and with my baby (GIRL) on the way!
Then a bomb went off! Shortly after getting married, Dan recieved a notice for paternity and child support of a girl that was nearly a year old by a woman he had one night stand with a month prior to us beginning our dating relationship. He took a paternity test, convinced he was not the father. Why would the mother be doing this now?? It came back 99.99% positive that he was the father of a one year old girl, named Alexa Reighn.
A month a half later, our sweet little 7 lb 1 oz baby girl was born and we named her Alayna Danielle. I had never felt such happiness. Never seen anyone so beautiful. And couldnt get over the amazement of parenthood, or this angel bedside in her bassinet. What a miracle God creates when he creates life. It is absolutely unsurmountable and an incredible testimony to His existance.
Shortly after Alaynas birth, we moved back to Waterloo, to the home we had there and began a year long custody battle over his other daughter, whom we did not know. Without getting into much detail, we needed to move back to be here near our family. We needed a support system behind us and my parents were just 20 miles away in Waverly. Without them, we would have had a hard time affording just the basic things, after Dans HUGE child support started getting taken from his paychecks. All at once, we had been hit with TREMENDOUS child support obligations, and now had a new baby with all the expenses that comes with that. I was scared. My mother saved us a lot by babysitting Alayna. Eventually, we gained visitation rights, joint legal and physical custody of Alexa.
When Alayna was 5 months, I had my yearly "womanly" exam. I asked if they would take a urine pregnancy test. Sure enough, I was pregnant again. Why had I asked them to give me this test, you might ask. Because that whole week I had been craving McDonalds...the very same thing I craved when pregnant with Alayna. We were not trying to have a baby so soon, and really were not expecting it. But we were thrilled, and a little nervous.
In October, we delivered Paxon Stephen, our first boy, weighing in at 8 lbs 14.6 oz! Did he ever make his daddy proud!! We have a future football star on our hands, according to Dan.
Each one of our children were unplanned by us, but planned by God alone. This statement by itself gives me reason to praise Him all day, every day. I have so much joy being with my children, watching them laugh, watching them learn, hearing them from the other side of a bedroom door giggling in bed together after lights have been turned off, I even enjoy watching Alayna be naughty and giggle about it. (Im amazed at how smart she is and how she has learned to "play" us, and I cant help but be a little proud of her for it.) I love the noises and the babbling Pax does.
I am a very different mother than I thought I would be. I believed I would be strict. Im not. I am lenient and a push-over. I thought I would be head over heels stressed with the responsibilities of 3 children 3yrs and younger in my home. Im not. Its soo much easier than could be imagined. It helps that I have pretty healthy, happy kids. But now I yearn to add to our family by the gift of adoption. Some people, I know look at me like Im crazy when I say I want to add to my zoo. But its what I feel is the right things for us.
I believe I was made for THIS. I believe I was made to be a mother. A mommy to Alayna and Paxon, a step "momma" to Alexa and someday an adoptive mother to other children. When discussing with others about the idea of what I feel is my purpose, I hear a voice in my head saying "Im a mother. THis is it" and I truly feel this is Gods desire. I sense that people, especially in our society now, feel that saying "I want to be a mother", not "I want to be a lawyer, doctor or teacher" is not good enough. I feel like its viewed as an unworthy answer. But I was driving one day, on my way to pick up my kids, thinking about this very thing, and a voice in my head said "Valerie, who is the most influential, most remembered woman in Christianity?" I thought MARY, OF COURSE. "And what is she remembered for? Does the bible note her as a baker, a seamstress, a cook? But is she known as being the mother of Jesus Christ, a woman I chose to raise my son? What is a more noteworthy job than that?"
So true. What is better than that? I have no shame to say my purpose is to be a mother, and I will do it everyday with passion and love, just how God intended for me. How amazing is He, that gave me this life and this "career path"...and has guided me on this road, right to what he wanted me to be.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
August 17th 2011
I heard the BEST song this week. Im Gonna Love You Through It, by Martina McBride. I listened to it over and over when I first found out about it (My friend Ashley had texted me and told me that she heard this song that reminded her of me). I cried as I listened to it, because I always do that with songs...
Later I was thinking about how much I cried over a song, and not over my real life situation. I was trying to figure out why I was/ am that way. I can cry for hours over a song or a movie but when it comes to living a situation that I can cry about in a song, I am perfectly fine and much stronger.
I think that the reason that I am ok with having cancer is because I have a purpose in life. My purpose is to be a wife and mother. Cancer hasnt taken that away from me, so I am still doing what I was made to do. Im not broken. My husband is loving and accepting and supportive. I dont love how I look, but I know that he is still here, accepting me and waiting this out with me. I love everyday with my kids. I love all the little moments from hearing one of them say a new word, the kids hugging and kissing (and mauling) eachother, big wide smiles, hearing them talk and giggle behind closed doors at bedtime...There is still so much good left in my life. I still have everything that I ever dreamed of having, and have the children and husband I have wanted since I was a child playing "house." And I am busy everyday with serving my purpose. My life hasnt stopped in anyway.
Thats why Im ok. Thats why I am not sitting, crying about my diagnosis, surgery or chemo. Ive still got God-given purpose.
Later I was thinking about how much I cried over a song, and not over my real life situation. I was trying to figure out why I was/ am that way. I can cry for hours over a song or a movie but when it comes to living a situation that I can cry about in a song, I am perfectly fine and much stronger.
I think that the reason that I am ok with having cancer is because I have a purpose in life. My purpose is to be a wife and mother. Cancer hasnt taken that away from me, so I am still doing what I was made to do. Im not broken. My husband is loving and accepting and supportive. I dont love how I look, but I know that he is still here, accepting me and waiting this out with me. I love everyday with my kids. I love all the little moments from hearing one of them say a new word, the kids hugging and kissing (and mauling) eachother, big wide smiles, hearing them talk and giggle behind closed doors at bedtime...There is still so much good left in my life. I still have everything that I ever dreamed of having, and have the children and husband I have wanted since I was a child playing "house." And I am busy everyday with serving my purpose. My life hasnt stopped in anyway.
Thats why Im ok. Thats why I am not sitting, crying about my diagnosis, surgery or chemo. Ive still got God-given purpose.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
August 13 2011
Its been forever since I have wrote on here...
I think that cancer has become such an everyday, all day way of life for me lately, that I dont feel like there is much interesting to write on the subject. And I have been very busy with Alaynas 3rd birthday in July, signing girls up for preschool and dance class and dr appts and chemo each week.
I am now doing taxol and herceptin each week. I have 9 more weeks left and hopefully I am all done with chemo forever! For some reason, this drug just immediately knocks me out and I sleep through the whole 2-3 hours of treatment. When I wake up, I feel so groggy the rest of that day.
But overall this treatment is much much easier to take than the last. I have more energy (not completely the same as not doing chemo), am not nauseous, and I have my taste buds back! My hair is even starting to grow back but right now I look more like a q-tip than I want. :) Heat still really gets me, and the day following treatment I always feel like I am burning up. I have also had another round of staph infection a few weeks ago which I was worried about and have had reoccuring eye infections, and really dry eyes.
But its really not that terrible. Just looking forward to it being all over, getting my "real" implants and moving on from "having cancer." There are days that its a little more overwhelming, emotionally. Its hard to feel womanly when you dont have hair, dont have breasts, and in my case, have gained weight from lack of energy/ exercise. I sometimes just long to pull my hair back in a ponytail. It will be a LONG time before I can do that again. But I am looking forward to it.
I go back to work in September, although I will not be finished with chemo. I will work part time until chemo is done and Ive had my last reconstructive surgery sometime in November or December. Whew! What a long process it all is.
My kids are doing great, have always done great with it all...I think we did a great job of making the whole process seem everyday/ normal. They never had much to worry about. I am very blessed that they are so young. Maybe they will not remember these days when they are older.
I think that cancer has become such an everyday, all day way of life for me lately, that I dont feel like there is much interesting to write on the subject. And I have been very busy with Alaynas 3rd birthday in July, signing girls up for preschool and dance class and dr appts and chemo each week.
I am now doing taxol and herceptin each week. I have 9 more weeks left and hopefully I am all done with chemo forever! For some reason, this drug just immediately knocks me out and I sleep through the whole 2-3 hours of treatment. When I wake up, I feel so groggy the rest of that day.
But overall this treatment is much much easier to take than the last. I have more energy (not completely the same as not doing chemo), am not nauseous, and I have my taste buds back! My hair is even starting to grow back but right now I look more like a q-tip than I want. :) Heat still really gets me, and the day following treatment I always feel like I am burning up. I have also had another round of staph infection a few weeks ago which I was worried about and have had reoccuring eye infections, and really dry eyes.
But its really not that terrible. Just looking forward to it being all over, getting my "real" implants and moving on from "having cancer." There are days that its a little more overwhelming, emotionally. Its hard to feel womanly when you dont have hair, dont have breasts, and in my case, have gained weight from lack of energy/ exercise. I sometimes just long to pull my hair back in a ponytail. It will be a LONG time before I can do that again. But I am looking forward to it.
I go back to work in September, although I will not be finished with chemo. I will work part time until chemo is done and Ive had my last reconstructive surgery sometime in November or December. Whew! What a long process it all is.
My kids are doing great, have always done great with it all...I think we did a great job of making the whole process seem everyday/ normal. They never had much to worry about. I am very blessed that they are so young. Maybe they will not remember these days when they are older.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
July 5th 2011
We are in Branson on a family vacation! I wish I could say it is relaxing...but we have three kids under 4, so its really not, but at least its been fun, for the most part.
I havent written on here for quite awhile because I havent found the words to say...and really I still havent been able to put accurately into words the way that I feel. On June 25th, my friends and family threw a benefit for me at the Waverly Country Club. So many people were there and even some I didnt recognize. It was extremely overwhelming and amazing that so many people were and are there to support me. Its also very hard for me to accept. I have a hard time allowing people to help me (watching my kids, paying for expenses, making us dinners...). I have been helped soo much in the last four months with dinners brought to our home by church members and family members, with hundreds lifting me and my family up in prayer, with family watching our kids when I have chemo or surgery or doctor appointments, and by this benefit. I have recieved many cards of encouragement and support that have caught me off guard and several that have made me cry.
Several people, my nearly lifelong friend, Stacy Doughan, my friend Stephanie Boecker, my new friend, Nichole Jones, my mom, my sister in law, Gena, my aunt Ruth Mick and many others put a lot of time, effort and sweat into putting this benefit on for me. I really appreciate their work and all the donors and people who attended. Nearly all my family was there and I was able to have some fun while my kids were running around and others were keeping an eye on them. The best part was that it was a great day for me, health-wise. I seemed to have a lot of energy and was able to speak to most that were there. Although I dreaded a night with so much attention on me, I was able to relax and actually enjoy it all.
The whole night was bittersweet because it also fell on my Grandma Micks birthday. The girls didnt know this when planning the event, it just so happened that this was the only night available. For those who dont know, my Grandma passed away from cancer in 2007. She first had breast cancer, had a mastectomy, then the cancer spread to her liver and colon. She fought a long battle and I watched as the cancer take her slowly, and cruelly. Grandma was the strongest woman I have known, while fighting for her life. And she also had a very strong faith for Jesus...and accepted her fate and was ready when He took her home with Him to heaven.
Since being diagnosed with cancer, I have missed her more and more. I wish she was here so I could ask her questions and talk with her about whats going on with me. I ask Dad regularly things that start with "Do you remember when Grandma had...." You can fill those blanks in with "chemo", "her mastectomy" most often. She is buried less than 4 blocks from my home and I walk up there often to talk to her. My Grandmas favorite color was pink, a little ironic, I know. And even though she had four boys, she kept true to her feminine side and wore pink as much as she could.
I felt very much like Grandma was there with us at the benefit, how happy she would have been to have the family all together. I loved it that we were all together on her actual birthday.
I am very blessed for the people I have in my life, all the people who arent in my life but helped out when they heard about my story, and I am blessed with the people that I have had in my life, who are now gone.
ok...gotta jump in the shower, and get going with the vacation thing...kids are depending on me. :)
I havent written on here for quite awhile because I havent found the words to say...and really I still havent been able to put accurately into words the way that I feel. On June 25th, my friends and family threw a benefit for me at the Waverly Country Club. So many people were there and even some I didnt recognize. It was extremely overwhelming and amazing that so many people were and are there to support me. Its also very hard for me to accept. I have a hard time allowing people to help me (watching my kids, paying for expenses, making us dinners...). I have been helped soo much in the last four months with dinners brought to our home by church members and family members, with hundreds lifting me and my family up in prayer, with family watching our kids when I have chemo or surgery or doctor appointments, and by this benefit. I have recieved many cards of encouragement and support that have caught me off guard and several that have made me cry.
Several people, my nearly lifelong friend, Stacy Doughan, my friend Stephanie Boecker, my new friend, Nichole Jones, my mom, my sister in law, Gena, my aunt Ruth Mick and many others put a lot of time, effort and sweat into putting this benefit on for me. I really appreciate their work and all the donors and people who attended. Nearly all my family was there and I was able to have some fun while my kids were running around and others were keeping an eye on them. The best part was that it was a great day for me, health-wise. I seemed to have a lot of energy and was able to speak to most that were there. Although I dreaded a night with so much attention on me, I was able to relax and actually enjoy it all.
The whole night was bittersweet because it also fell on my Grandma Micks birthday. The girls didnt know this when planning the event, it just so happened that this was the only night available. For those who dont know, my Grandma passed away from cancer in 2007. She first had breast cancer, had a mastectomy, then the cancer spread to her liver and colon. She fought a long battle and I watched as the cancer take her slowly, and cruelly. Grandma was the strongest woman I have known, while fighting for her life. And she also had a very strong faith for Jesus...and accepted her fate and was ready when He took her home with Him to heaven.
Since being diagnosed with cancer, I have missed her more and more. I wish she was here so I could ask her questions and talk with her about whats going on with me. I ask Dad regularly things that start with "Do you remember when Grandma had...." You can fill those blanks in with "chemo", "her mastectomy" most often. She is buried less than 4 blocks from my home and I walk up there often to talk to her. My Grandmas favorite color was pink, a little ironic, I know. And even though she had four boys, she kept true to her feminine side and wore pink as much as she could.
I felt very much like Grandma was there with us at the benefit, how happy she would have been to have the family all together. I loved it that we were all together on her actual birthday.
I am very blessed for the people I have in my life, all the people who arent in my life but helped out when they heard about my story, and I am blessed with the people that I have had in my life, who are now gone.
ok...gotta jump in the shower, and get going with the vacation thing...kids are depending on me. :)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
June 14th 2011
I heard this song for the first time called "When Pink is Just a Color Again" this week. And I got to thinking about how much PINK has become my life. Pink used to symbolize Victorias Secret or baby girls. Now it really means a war on breast cancer...or surviving breast cancer...or loving someone with breast cancer. To me, it sometimes means trying to be feminine after youve had your breasts removed and you are bald from chemo! :)
I hold a special place in my heart for vehicles that pass me on the highway with a pink ribbon on their back window. My heart races for a minute..and I wonder about how breast cancer has affected that particular driver.
My girls sleep everynight with a pink blanket that my sister gave them and in the corner there is a pink ribbon. Each girl struggles to find that ribbon before going to bed, holding it. They both say that pink ribbon will "make Mommy better" and so they fall asleep with that little part of the blanket up near them, usually in their hands. When they see pink ribbons, they shout and point them out. At that tiny little age, I never gave one thought to illness. I certainly didnt know what cancer was, or what a ribbon represented. It touches me deeply how they both hold that ribbon so tight because they think that small little pink loop will make me better some day...and help my hair grow, Alexa says.
Pink will never be just a color for me since my diagnosis. And I dont think it will for my girls...Or anyone affected by cancer. It becomes something more...It becomes HOPE.
Here is that song; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QKxsiRYC9Q
I hold a special place in my heart for vehicles that pass me on the highway with a pink ribbon on their back window. My heart races for a minute..and I wonder about how breast cancer has affected that particular driver.
My girls sleep everynight with a pink blanket that my sister gave them and in the corner there is a pink ribbon. Each girl struggles to find that ribbon before going to bed, holding it. They both say that pink ribbon will "make Mommy better" and so they fall asleep with that little part of the blanket up near them, usually in their hands. When they see pink ribbons, they shout and point them out. At that tiny little age, I never gave one thought to illness. I certainly didnt know what cancer was, or what a ribbon represented. It touches me deeply how they both hold that ribbon so tight because they think that small little pink loop will make me better some day...and help my hair grow, Alexa says.
Pink will never be just a color for me since my diagnosis. And I dont think it will for my girls...Or anyone affected by cancer. It becomes something more...It becomes HOPE.
Here is that song; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QKxsiRYC9Q
Friday, June 10, 2011
June 10th, 2011
Something just dawned on me today. Seriously. Just today.
I just got to thinking about WHAT IF...I hadnt found this lump in February?? It is soo amazing that I did, when I did. I dont think I have ever explained on this blog how, exactly, that it came to be that we found this lump. I did not find it by self examination. I never gave one thought to self exams. Good God, I was 27...with no worries in the world besides what I was gonna make (quickly) for dinner or how much dirt I need to quickly sweep under the rug when someone gave me last minute notice of a visit to our house. :)
I had a three year old step daughter, a two year old daughter and just one year old son. But I had been dreaming of adding to our family. I had it in my mind that I just wanted one more son...NOT another girl, but I guess, I was willing to take my chances. After months and months of begging Dan and trying to rationalize why having one more (male) baby would be good to do NOW, rather than wait a few years..(hand me downs will still be accessible, Paxon could have a BOY to play with, they all can be in diapers at same time, and will all be out of the house and kicked out to college at same time...all were my strong fighting points) You need to know Dan. He always thinks things out and is always too rational and logical in making decisions for me. I can not believe it, even to this day, but after months of me begging, Dan agreed to trying for one more ("But that is IT!") I jumped on the first chance I got and made an appointment to have my IUD removed...
That is where my mid-wife found a lump. But even she was not overly concerned and wasnt 100% pushing me to have a mammogram, but we made an appointment anyway. I believe that if it wasnt for my history of cancer (my Grandma Mick had breast cancer in her 80s) she maybe wouldnt have even made an appointment to have it checked.
I would never have thought anything of a lump. I had recently had kids and had breastfed. Any lumps I felt, I would have just wrote off as milk glands, or something of that nature.
Anyway, that is how I found out I had cancer. A simple routine check after going to the doctor in hopes to soon get pregnant again. Wow. What a different path I suddenly had to take.
But anyway, going back to what just dawned on me today. WHAT IF Dan had not agreed to let us try for just one more? I wouldnt have been in to the doctor for probably another year. And by that time, it would have been much, much worse. With what I know now, I know it would have spread... I cant imagine. I could be turning 30 and facing death. That is totally overwhelming. Its making me cry to think of how horrible that could have been...How randomly, and coincidently God saved me when I walked into that doctors office for such a different purpose.
I know. Its three months after those words "it did come back as being cancer" and I have never thought of "Oh my gosh, I could have died."
When you have cancer (and know it) you live day by day...sometimes hour to hour. But I have never thought about the possibility of dying until today. I am overwhelmed at how close that could have been. Just a year or two maybe. Wow. I am very blessed.
I just got to thinking about WHAT IF...I hadnt found this lump in February?? It is soo amazing that I did, when I did. I dont think I have ever explained on this blog how, exactly, that it came to be that we found this lump. I did not find it by self examination. I never gave one thought to self exams. Good God, I was 27...with no worries in the world besides what I was gonna make (quickly) for dinner or how much dirt I need to quickly sweep under the rug when someone gave me last minute notice of a visit to our house. :)
I had a three year old step daughter, a two year old daughter and just one year old son. But I had been dreaming of adding to our family. I had it in my mind that I just wanted one more son...NOT another girl, but I guess, I was willing to take my chances. After months and months of begging Dan and trying to rationalize why having one more (male) baby would be good to do NOW, rather than wait a few years..(hand me downs will still be accessible, Paxon could have a BOY to play with, they all can be in diapers at same time, and will all be out of the house and kicked out to college at same time...all were my strong fighting points) You need to know Dan. He always thinks things out and is always too rational and logical in making decisions for me. I can not believe it, even to this day, but after months of me begging, Dan agreed to trying for one more ("But that is IT!") I jumped on the first chance I got and made an appointment to have my IUD removed...
That is where my mid-wife found a lump. But even she was not overly concerned and wasnt 100% pushing me to have a mammogram, but we made an appointment anyway. I believe that if it wasnt for my history of cancer (my Grandma Mick had breast cancer in her 80s) she maybe wouldnt have even made an appointment to have it checked.
I would never have thought anything of a lump. I had recently had kids and had breastfed. Any lumps I felt, I would have just wrote off as milk glands, or something of that nature.
Anyway, that is how I found out I had cancer. A simple routine check after going to the doctor in hopes to soon get pregnant again. Wow. What a different path I suddenly had to take.
But anyway, going back to what just dawned on me today. WHAT IF Dan had not agreed to let us try for just one more? I wouldnt have been in to the doctor for probably another year. And by that time, it would have been much, much worse. With what I know now, I know it would have spread... I cant imagine. I could be turning 30 and facing death. That is totally overwhelming. Its making me cry to think of how horrible that could have been...How randomly, and coincidently God saved me when I walked into that doctors office for such a different purpose.
I know. Its three months after those words "it did come back as being cancer" and I have never thought of "Oh my gosh, I could have died."
When you have cancer (and know it) you live day by day...sometimes hour to hour. But I have never thought about the possibility of dying until today. I am overwhelmed at how close that could have been. Just a year or two maybe. Wow. I am very blessed.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
June 8th 2011
Well, I am almost a week out from another round of chemo. I havent been that sick this time...I think it has a TON to do with the fact that I dont have staph or strep throat this time around. I think those things kinda did me in last round. More than anything, I am exhausted and always uncomfortably hot.
My kids wear me out so easily and I find that I dont have as much patience as I typically do.
However, I still feel blessed for small things...I think about those things often..Like, I am very grateful that my kids are actually so young and dont know the difference, or the social stigma, of me not having hair. I am glad that they dont know yet to feel embarrassed of how I look. Right now, its funny for them to run their hands on my head and laugh, saying that it tickles! If they were older and I felt like they were embarrassed of me, I would be heartbroken.
Im not gonna lie, its hard to see people drive by when I am sitting on my front porch without my wig, and see them take a double take...like its so strange to see a girl with a bald head. (And yes, a few times this week, I have gone out without a wig because its been soooo hot!)
Other things, I am blessed to have had my sister stay with me for five days and sit and talk with me, and also FORCE me to clean, sort and box up baby clothes for a garage sale this week. Its sad that I am getting rid of some of their clothes...but also absolutely necessary. I always was holding on to the clothes for that in-case-we-get-pregnant- again baby. Now there is a finitive reason to just get rid of them.
Im blessed with absolutely great friends. People who are always there to talk if I need it and check in on me when they know I have another appointment or something going on. Friends who are a constant support. Its kinda humbling, really. It sucks that I had to get cancer, but I do truly, honestly feel very loved.
OK, well, this blog is hard to write today, because Daisy likes to attack my fingers as I type. I dont have a whole lot more to say. I feel pretty decent this week.
My kids wear me out so easily and I find that I dont have as much patience as I typically do.
However, I still feel blessed for small things...I think about those things often..Like, I am very grateful that my kids are actually so young and dont know the difference, or the social stigma, of me not having hair. I am glad that they dont know yet to feel embarrassed of how I look. Right now, its funny for them to run their hands on my head and laugh, saying that it tickles! If they were older and I felt like they were embarrassed of me, I would be heartbroken.
Im not gonna lie, its hard to see people drive by when I am sitting on my front porch without my wig, and see them take a double take...like its so strange to see a girl with a bald head. (And yes, a few times this week, I have gone out without a wig because its been soooo hot!)
Other things, I am blessed to have had my sister stay with me for five days and sit and talk with me, and also FORCE me to clean, sort and box up baby clothes for a garage sale this week. Its sad that I am getting rid of some of their clothes...but also absolutely necessary. I always was holding on to the clothes for that in-case-we-get-pregnant- again baby. Now there is a finitive reason to just get rid of them.
Im blessed with absolutely great friends. People who are always there to talk if I need it and check in on me when they know I have another appointment or something going on. Friends who are a constant support. Its kinda humbling, really. It sucks that I had to get cancer, but I do truly, honestly feel very loved.
OK, well, this blog is hard to write today, because Daisy likes to attack my fingers as I type. I dont have a whole lot more to say. I feel pretty decent this week.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
June 5th 2011
Meet Miss Daisy! Today is Alexas 4th birthday and what she wanted was a kitty. (I may have gotten the idea into her head!) We found this little baby at a farm in Shell Rock and she joined our family yesterday in time for Alexas birthday! It took almost all day to figure out her name since the kids' suggestions were Rapunzel, Tinkerbell and Ka-Chow! I am pleased with Daisy!I think she will be a joyful distraction for me and the kids while we are going through the chemo process! And who cant use some more joy??!! :)
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
May 31st 2011
Have you been waiting to hear about my baldness??
Well, its time. I am now bald...and wearing my wig!
Dan and I, with help from Dans sister, Gena, shaved each others heads yesterday after four days of my hair falling out more and more each day. I thought I was ready because I was so annoyed with finding hair EVERYWHERE in our house. But when the first CHUNK of hair was cut off, I lost it.
And then we were all crying.
So anyway, my hair is gone. Its kinda humiliating...Im not used to it. Today, when I went to my dr appointment at the Center of Infectious Diseases, I wore my wig and a hat.
My appointment went fine. No indication that there is staph in my blood. They gave me another prescription for an antibiotic and a wash for my body (and for the bodies of my family...bc they can have staph on their skin as well) and told me I am fine to have chemo this week. Yay!
I will post pics when I become more secure about it...not ready yet...
But thats the story today!!
Well, its time. I am now bald...and wearing my wig!
Dan and I, with help from Dans sister, Gena, shaved each others heads yesterday after four days of my hair falling out more and more each day. I thought I was ready because I was so annoyed with finding hair EVERYWHERE in our house. But when the first CHUNK of hair was cut off, I lost it.
And then we were all crying.
So anyway, my hair is gone. Its kinda humiliating...Im not used to it. Today, when I went to my dr appointment at the Center of Infectious Diseases, I wore my wig and a hat.
My appointment went fine. No indication that there is staph in my blood. They gave me another prescription for an antibiotic and a wash for my body (and for the bodies of my family...bc they can have staph on their skin as well) and told me I am fine to have chemo this week. Yay!
I will post pics when I become more secure about it...not ready yet...
But thats the story today!!
Friday, May 27, 2011
May 27th 2011 part two
So...I didnt have chemo today. When I went to see the doctor, my white blood count and platelet count was fine but when I showed him my one spot of staph on my leg, Dr. Singh was concerned. He explained that if he gave me chemo again, and the staph got into my blood, it could be fatal.
So, I was sent to my breast care doctors office to have the spot lanced, or cut open to drain and to have a culture done on it. Tuesday, I have to go to an appointment at Allen at the Center of Infectious Diseases. I am not sure who is testing to see if it has entered my blood. Maybe Dr. Singhs office will use the blood they took from me today.
Tuesday they will try to determine a good mix of drugs to fight the staph while doing chemo. If my blood is all fine, I will have treatment next Friday.
Anyway, I am thankful that I have the holiday weekend, chemo-free....and potentially will have energy to have a fun weekend! :)
On the other hand, I now have to buy a new planner...and start over again working on my schedule....(I am only kinda kidding!:))
So, I was sent to my breast care doctors office to have the spot lanced, or cut open to drain and to have a culture done on it. Tuesday, I have to go to an appointment at Allen at the Center of Infectious Diseases. I am not sure who is testing to see if it has entered my blood. Maybe Dr. Singhs office will use the blood they took from me today.
Tuesday they will try to determine a good mix of drugs to fight the staph while doing chemo. If my blood is all fine, I will have treatment next Friday.
Anyway, I am thankful that I have the holiday weekend, chemo-free....and potentially will have energy to have a fun weekend! :)
On the other hand, I now have to buy a new planner...and start over again working on my schedule....(I am only kinda kidding!:))
May 27th 2011
Im attempting to write on here this morning because it has been two (hellish) weeks since I wrote in here and this morning I go to my second round of treatment and after that, I know I wont feel up to it for awhile.
Chemo is crazy, an up and down rollercoaster changing from moment to moment.
With the last treatment, I first lost my taste of food...not that I didnt WANT food. I still crave foods but once I get those foods, I am disappointed that they do not taste like I had hoped or remembered. Everything is very bland. However, I have noticed in the last few days, things have started to taste better....
The day after treatment and for a few days to follow, I got very red in my face, chest and arms. I felt like I was on fire and proceeded to check my temp every hour. I never had a temp, so I can only assume the treatments made my skin very sensitive to soaps or lotions. ( I have sensitive skin anyway)
I didnt have too bad of nausea. They gave me FOUR prescriptions for that....so I think I was covered.
What I really felt was...dumb. I felt really out of it, like I was elderly, really. I felt forgetful or like I didnt know how to do the simplest everyday tasks. (Thats hard for a control freak to handle :)) I had a hard time staying asleep or getting much sleep at all. I was only able to manage about 3-4 hours of sleep at night.
My eyes are very sensitive to light and I get massive headaches. The first week after chemo, I went to my doctor about a spot of staph infection that I had on my leg. That spot multiplied to 6 other spots on my body. I have been on antibiotic since that doctor visit and the littler spots all went away. The bigger one is lingering. But it doesnt hurt like it used to, so thats a good sign. (to me anyway)
This week, I started feeling better....more alive, more energy. I had a persistent cough for a few days which I called the nurse about, but she said if I didnt have a fever, she wasnt too worried about it. Well, it wasnt going away, and my chest even hurt each time I coughed. I was fearful of pneumonia, so I went to the walk in clinic here in Waverly. Xrays, and blood work later, the doctor told me I have strep throat. Grrr. That was Wednesday night.
Yesterday, Thursday, we had preschool graduation in the morning for Alexa. I decided to get out of my sweats and sloppy look and actually blowdry and straighten my hair. ( I have not done any of this since last treatment because they warn against using straightners, curling irons, etc...it would speed up the hair loss process, I guess) As I was straightening my hair, I ran my hand through it and looked down. In my hand was about twenty hairs. I yelled for Dan. He came running in and I held up my hand. Then I ran my other hand through my hair again, and AGAIN, another twenty hairs. Tears came to my eyes and Dan came in to put his hand on my back, to comfort me. But the back of my black tshirt was also covered in hair. In reality, it was Day 14. The doctors had said expect hair loss anywhere from day 10- day 14. Each morning, as I showered and did not lose significant hair, I thought "Man, I am doing good. Maybe I really wont lose my hair!" Wishful thinking. Throughout the day, I have lost significant hair. It has not come out in clumps. It just is extreme shedding. My head of hair feels lighter.
Im not sure quite what to do right now about the whole hair/ head thing. I feel like I am not ready to be bald, or shave it. I also think I will know when I am ready to go ahead and do that. Dan has been growing out his hair and waiting to cut it for when I did lose my hair. We are going to shave eachothers heads. (I think that deep down he is relieved this day has come, because his hair is very long and he is ready for a cut! :))
I have felt such up and downs these last two weeks and there were times, I couldnt imagine writing on here. For days, I felt so terrible, I felt like I was dying now to live later...without a real guarantee. I felt absolutely sure for a few days that I would NOT do another treatment. I didnt want to feel so miserable again. (I am a terrible baby when it comes to being sick, energy-less, headaches and just feeling off kilter drives me mad!) Then there were days when I would look out my front window and be reminded of how beautiful life is. (I also have an amazing view of the river. In the morning, as the sun hits the water, it seems to sparkle.) I have sat on my porch and just watched birds, wishing I had a bird book to identify each finch and sparrow. (Yes, this goes back to chemo brain...it ages you.... you start doing things elderly people, with a lot of time on their hands, do.) I have walked the kids down to the river to watch the fishers catch fish and let them look at the fish up close. I have taken a walk on the mud path in the woods while it was raining with Alayna.
Somedays you hate life, and the next, you appreciate it more than you would previously. Thats what chemo does to you. I have had several cancer survivors talk to me, offer their advice or stories but one thing each one repeated many times to me in our talks is the simple phrase, "You will get through this." I have heard that more than anything else, and as I sat here, wrapped up in my blanket, in the corner of my couch, I wondered if they knew there was gonna be days, maybe just hours, when I didnt think I could...and didnt WANT to get through it. Wanted to stop it RIGHT now! Wanted to stop doing treatments and stop wasting these days with sickness... Wanted to even just feel like getting off the couch to play with the kids, rather than watch them play around me.
My husband has been amazing. He has changed his schedule so he is here more of the day and has the kids all night. He takes them with him to the gym after work and makes them supper. I thought this all would make him more stressed, but he doesnt seem to be. From my corner of the couch, I get to see Alayna and Paxon fall more in love with their daddy....and have determined that my kids are resilient and happy kids. I am proud of my family even more now.
Ok, its time I stop writing, and take a shower. I think I have wrote the gist of whats going on...and got this darn blog updated. (I have had several texts demanding an updated blog....so here it is, guys!!) I have treatment in less than 3 hours. If I shower now, I can do it before kids wake up.
Have a great Memorial Day Weekend!
Chemo is crazy, an up and down rollercoaster changing from moment to moment.
With the last treatment, I first lost my taste of food...not that I didnt WANT food. I still crave foods but once I get those foods, I am disappointed that they do not taste like I had hoped or remembered. Everything is very bland. However, I have noticed in the last few days, things have started to taste better....
The day after treatment and for a few days to follow, I got very red in my face, chest and arms. I felt like I was on fire and proceeded to check my temp every hour. I never had a temp, so I can only assume the treatments made my skin very sensitive to soaps or lotions. ( I have sensitive skin anyway)
I didnt have too bad of nausea. They gave me FOUR prescriptions for that....so I think I was covered.
What I really felt was...dumb. I felt really out of it, like I was elderly, really. I felt forgetful or like I didnt know how to do the simplest everyday tasks. (Thats hard for a control freak to handle :)) I had a hard time staying asleep or getting much sleep at all. I was only able to manage about 3-4 hours of sleep at night.
My eyes are very sensitive to light and I get massive headaches. The first week after chemo, I went to my doctor about a spot of staph infection that I had on my leg. That spot multiplied to 6 other spots on my body. I have been on antibiotic since that doctor visit and the littler spots all went away. The bigger one is lingering. But it doesnt hurt like it used to, so thats a good sign. (to me anyway)
This week, I started feeling better....more alive, more energy. I had a persistent cough for a few days which I called the nurse about, but she said if I didnt have a fever, she wasnt too worried about it. Well, it wasnt going away, and my chest even hurt each time I coughed. I was fearful of pneumonia, so I went to the walk in clinic here in Waverly. Xrays, and blood work later, the doctor told me I have strep throat. Grrr. That was Wednesday night.
Yesterday, Thursday, we had preschool graduation in the morning for Alexa. I decided to get out of my sweats and sloppy look and actually blowdry and straighten my hair. ( I have not done any of this since last treatment because they warn against using straightners, curling irons, etc...it would speed up the hair loss process, I guess) As I was straightening my hair, I ran my hand through it and looked down. In my hand was about twenty hairs. I yelled for Dan. He came running in and I held up my hand. Then I ran my other hand through my hair again, and AGAIN, another twenty hairs. Tears came to my eyes and Dan came in to put his hand on my back, to comfort me. But the back of my black tshirt was also covered in hair. In reality, it was Day 14. The doctors had said expect hair loss anywhere from day 10- day 14. Each morning, as I showered and did not lose significant hair, I thought "Man, I am doing good. Maybe I really wont lose my hair!" Wishful thinking. Throughout the day, I have lost significant hair. It has not come out in clumps. It just is extreme shedding. My head of hair feels lighter.
Im not sure quite what to do right now about the whole hair/ head thing. I feel like I am not ready to be bald, or shave it. I also think I will know when I am ready to go ahead and do that. Dan has been growing out his hair and waiting to cut it for when I did lose my hair. We are going to shave eachothers heads. (I think that deep down he is relieved this day has come, because his hair is very long and he is ready for a cut! :))
I have felt such up and downs these last two weeks and there were times, I couldnt imagine writing on here. For days, I felt so terrible, I felt like I was dying now to live later...without a real guarantee. I felt absolutely sure for a few days that I would NOT do another treatment. I didnt want to feel so miserable again. (I am a terrible baby when it comes to being sick, energy-less, headaches and just feeling off kilter drives me mad!) Then there were days when I would look out my front window and be reminded of how beautiful life is. (I also have an amazing view of the river. In the morning, as the sun hits the water, it seems to sparkle.) I have sat on my porch and just watched birds, wishing I had a bird book to identify each finch and sparrow. (Yes, this goes back to chemo brain...it ages you.... you start doing things elderly people, with a lot of time on their hands, do.) I have walked the kids down to the river to watch the fishers catch fish and let them look at the fish up close. I have taken a walk on the mud path in the woods while it was raining with Alayna.
Somedays you hate life, and the next, you appreciate it more than you would previously. Thats what chemo does to you. I have had several cancer survivors talk to me, offer their advice or stories but one thing each one repeated many times to me in our talks is the simple phrase, "You will get through this." I have heard that more than anything else, and as I sat here, wrapped up in my blanket, in the corner of my couch, I wondered if they knew there was gonna be days, maybe just hours, when I didnt think I could...and didnt WANT to get through it. Wanted to stop it RIGHT now! Wanted to stop doing treatments and stop wasting these days with sickness... Wanted to even just feel like getting off the couch to play with the kids, rather than watch them play around me.
My husband has been amazing. He has changed his schedule so he is here more of the day and has the kids all night. He takes them with him to the gym after work and makes them supper. I thought this all would make him more stressed, but he doesnt seem to be. From my corner of the couch, I get to see Alayna and Paxon fall more in love with their daddy....and have determined that my kids are resilient and happy kids. I am proud of my family even more now.
Ok, its time I stop writing, and take a shower. I think I have wrote the gist of whats going on...and got this darn blog updated. (I have had several texts demanding an updated blog....so here it is, guys!!) I have treatment in less than 3 hours. If I shower now, I can do it before kids wake up.
Have a great Memorial Day Weekend!
Friday, May 13, 2011
May 13th 2011- Friday the 13th! :(
My first treatment was this morning.
I am feeling just strange really, I dont even know how to describe it. I am not nauseous. My eyes hurt/sting. I feel a little weaker. I was really excited to eat really well tonight because I was told that tomorrow, and going forward, I would have no appetite. We got done around one and went to Applebees. I ordered an appetizer, bourbon shrimp and chicken and a chocolate meltdown cake. I couldnt taste any of it. You dont know how much that depressed me. I can tell what things are by the texture, but I literally couldnt taste things very much. They had a hint of taste to them but overall, everything was very bland. That is disappointing to a girl who loves good (and not-so-good) food!
I have to go to the Waverly Hospital for a shot tomorrow to help the bone marrow regenerate.
Its really a taxing, exhausting ordeal. I cant wait til October. I feel like I am living for that month. After all this, I have a long list of TO-DOS, that include getting a breast cancer ribbon tattoo, going to Vegas and adopting a baby (well, not soo baby, maybe toddler) boy and helping with the American Cancer Society.
Dan has taken all the kids to the gym with him...so it is my turn to "nap". I am gonna try to do that.
I am feeling just strange really, I dont even know how to describe it. I am not nauseous. My eyes hurt/sting. I feel a little weaker. I was really excited to eat really well tonight because I was told that tomorrow, and going forward, I would have no appetite. We got done around one and went to Applebees. I ordered an appetizer, bourbon shrimp and chicken and a chocolate meltdown cake. I couldnt taste any of it. You dont know how much that depressed me. I can tell what things are by the texture, but I literally couldnt taste things very much. They had a hint of taste to them but overall, everything was very bland. That is disappointing to a girl who loves good (and not-so-good) food!
I have to go to the Waverly Hospital for a shot tomorrow to help the bone marrow regenerate.
Its really a taxing, exhausting ordeal. I cant wait til October. I feel like I am living for that month. After all this, I have a long list of TO-DOS, that include getting a breast cancer ribbon tattoo, going to Vegas and adopting a baby (well, not soo baby, maybe toddler) boy and helping with the American Cancer Society.
Dan has taken all the kids to the gym with him...so it is my turn to "nap". I am gonna try to do that.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
May 10th 2011
Struggling these last few days...
Since church Sunday, I have been thinking very hard about my chemo treatments. I wonder if I am truly trusting in God....if I am putting my life in His hands...or am I putting my life in my doctor's hands? I just feel uneasy about it all.
We all die. Our days are numbered and only God knows that magic number for me. He will take me when I am intended to go. So, I wonder about this whole chemo thing...am I trying to change what God has planned for me? Am I trying to determine my fate, rather than just entrusting Him with it??
Truly, obviously, I do not WANT my life to be limited....and OF COURSE, I want to be here as much for my children as possible.
I just cant answer the question as to "Why did I get cancer?" Was it to take my life? Or was it to make me a fighter?
I know, this blog is heavy...maybe even annoying to some of you who are thinking "Duh, do the chemo, dont be an idiot....take the health care provided!"
I just dont feel one hundred percent....and its truly not about losing my hair or getting sick. I can deal with all those things, even if I dont want to.
Since church Sunday, I have been thinking very hard about my chemo treatments. I wonder if I am truly trusting in God....if I am putting my life in His hands...or am I putting my life in my doctor's hands? I just feel uneasy about it all.
We all die. Our days are numbered and only God knows that magic number for me. He will take me when I am intended to go. So, I wonder about this whole chemo thing...am I trying to change what God has planned for me? Am I trying to determine my fate, rather than just entrusting Him with it??
Truly, obviously, I do not WANT my life to be limited....and OF COURSE, I want to be here as much for my children as possible.
I just cant answer the question as to "Why did I get cancer?" Was it to take my life? Or was it to make me a fighter?
I know, this blog is heavy...maybe even annoying to some of you who are thinking "Duh, do the chemo, dont be an idiot....take the health care provided!"
I just dont feel one hundred percent....and its truly not about losing my hair or getting sick. I can deal with all those things, even if I dont want to.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
May 5th 2011
Cinco de Mayo- but no margarita for me! :)
Yesterday, I had my second expansion in West Des Moines with Dr. Reece. I brought Alayna and we went out to eat with my friend, Ashley and Alaynas boyfriend, Ashley's three year old son, Braiden. They were super cute together...and Alayna was asleep before we even left Des Moines.
Today, I had outpatient surgery to place a port next to my collarbone. The port will be used with chemo treatments so that they do not need to find a vein each time and poke me several time, trying to find my veins. (Today, they had to poke me twice to get the IV in for surgery and two times to find the vein to draw blood at the Cancer Center.) I honestly didnt really know what to expect today, and didnt even know what the port would look like. It looks like a small bell. I was told that I might not be totally out of it, and maybe could hear them talking....but not me! I was totally out! I had to have x-rays done afterwards and then was released.
I went directly over to the Cancer Center, to my appointment with Dr. Singh. We discussed the treatment again. My first chemo treatment will be next Friday, the 13th. (Thats not freaky at all, is it?? Friday the 13th!!) I will go at 8 in the morning. It should take 2 hours. Saturday, I will need to go to Waverly Hospital for a shot that will help bone marrow regenerate, since the drug used for chemo will kill bone marrow cells.
I think its not really needed to say that I dont love that I have to go through this. Im still not ok with it. I was reading the side effects of the drugs I will be recieving and they all cause infertility. Thats the most unsettling part for me. I am blessed with two amazing biological children, but it is terribly hard for me to accept that I will not be able to have anymore biological children in the future if I wanted to. If it was my choice to not have any more children, that is a different thing...but I dont even get that choice.
Thats really the hard part for me now...
And losing my hair isnt amazing either...but that is reversable.
ok, theres me today!
Yesterday, I had my second expansion in West Des Moines with Dr. Reece. I brought Alayna and we went out to eat with my friend, Ashley and Alaynas boyfriend, Ashley's three year old son, Braiden. They were super cute together...and Alayna was asleep before we even left Des Moines.
Today, I had outpatient surgery to place a port next to my collarbone. The port will be used with chemo treatments so that they do not need to find a vein each time and poke me several time, trying to find my veins. (Today, they had to poke me twice to get the IV in for surgery and two times to find the vein to draw blood at the Cancer Center.) I honestly didnt really know what to expect today, and didnt even know what the port would look like. It looks like a small bell. I was told that I might not be totally out of it, and maybe could hear them talking....but not me! I was totally out! I had to have x-rays done afterwards and then was released.
I went directly over to the Cancer Center, to my appointment with Dr. Singh. We discussed the treatment again. My first chemo treatment will be next Friday, the 13th. (Thats not freaky at all, is it?? Friday the 13th!!) I will go at 8 in the morning. It should take 2 hours. Saturday, I will need to go to Waverly Hospital for a shot that will help bone marrow regenerate, since the drug used for chemo will kill bone marrow cells.
I think its not really needed to say that I dont love that I have to go through this. Im still not ok with it. I was reading the side effects of the drugs I will be recieving and they all cause infertility. Thats the most unsettling part for me. I am blessed with two amazing biological children, but it is terribly hard for me to accept that I will not be able to have anymore biological children in the future if I wanted to. If it was my choice to not have any more children, that is a different thing...but I dont even get that choice.
Thats really the hard part for me now...
And losing my hair isnt amazing either...but that is reversable.
ok, theres me today!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
April 27 2011
I got my wig today!! Its crazy, weird experience....but its always fun re-inventing myself!Tuesday, April 26, 2011
April 26 2011
Today, I had my first meeting with my oncologist, Dr. Singh at the Cedar Valley Cancer Center.
We went over the pathology report from surgery, which I knew most all of that info already.
He strongly recommended chemotherapy along with herceptin treatment, followed by hormonal therapy.
His recommended treatment today was AC (Adriamycin and cyclophosphamide) for four times, every other week (a total of 8 weeks on that drug combo) and then start Taxol and Herceptin every week for twelve weeks after that. Twenty weeks in total. He explains this is just in theory...it will depend on how my body responds to everything. In the beginning, I will need to do chemo and come back the next day for another shot. My plans are to do my chemo treatment on Thursdays and if I get sick, I have the weekend to recover. I want to be able to work at least monday-wednesday every week. I need to work as much as I can because any time that I am gone (because of treatment or expansions) will be unpaid time.
He told me that I would start to lose my hair between 1-3 weeks into the treatment. ( I had to ask this, of course)
This week I will need to have a PETscan to just look over cells in my body and to get an idea if there is any trace of cancer left in me anywhere. I also have to have an echo, just to check my heart to make sure it is strong and healthy...because some people have heart problems with the AC treatment.
Next week is Dan and my third anniversary. Crazy that its only been three years. We've been thru a lot in a short amount of time. Didnt think we would be dealing with one of us having cancer until we were gray and crippled. Anyway, we are taking the kids to the babysitter and just being alone for a day...I dont remember the last time we have had a day alone. Im kinda excited.
Wednesday, I travel to Des Moines for my second expansion.
Thursday, I have a 45 minute surgery to have my port placed. (This is to use for chemotherapy treatments, rather than having to be poked for IVs several times for each treatment.)
I also meet with Dr. Singh again next week.
I expect that I will begin treatment 2-3 weeks from now.
We went over the pathology report from surgery, which I knew most all of that info already.
He strongly recommended chemotherapy along with herceptin treatment, followed by hormonal therapy.
His recommended treatment today was AC (Adriamycin and cyclophosphamide) for four times, every other week (a total of 8 weeks on that drug combo) and then start Taxol and Herceptin every week for twelve weeks after that. Twenty weeks in total. He explains this is just in theory...it will depend on how my body responds to everything. In the beginning, I will need to do chemo and come back the next day for another shot. My plans are to do my chemo treatment on Thursdays and if I get sick, I have the weekend to recover. I want to be able to work at least monday-wednesday every week. I need to work as much as I can because any time that I am gone (because of treatment or expansions) will be unpaid time.
He told me that I would start to lose my hair between 1-3 weeks into the treatment. ( I had to ask this, of course)
This week I will need to have a PETscan to just look over cells in my body and to get an idea if there is any trace of cancer left in me anywhere. I also have to have an echo, just to check my heart to make sure it is strong and healthy...because some people have heart problems with the AC treatment.
Next week is Dan and my third anniversary. Crazy that its only been three years. We've been thru a lot in a short amount of time. Didnt think we would be dealing with one of us having cancer until we were gray and crippled. Anyway, we are taking the kids to the babysitter and just being alone for a day...I dont remember the last time we have had a day alone. Im kinda excited.
Wednesday, I travel to Des Moines for my second expansion.
Thursday, I have a 45 minute surgery to have my port placed. (This is to use for chemotherapy treatments, rather than having to be poked for IVs several times for each treatment.)
I also meet with Dr. Singh again next week.
I expect that I will begin treatment 2-3 weeks from now.
Monday, April 25, 2011
April 25th 2011
Havent written in awhile because I have been busy and because not a lot has happened.
We had a great and busy, long weekend for the Easter holiday. We were all exhausted lastnight and Alayna fell asleep maybe 5 minutes into our 2 hours drive home from our family get together.
Today I had my first "fill" or expansion. I was told that I would be sore but so far, four hours later, I feel fine. They feel a little heavier, and a little tighter. But I am doing fine, and kinda excited for the next appointment next week.
My great high school (and elementary school) friend, Tracy drove me to Des Moines today for the appointment. Not only is this very nice if she lived here, but she lives in Cedar Rapids. So she drove to our house in Waverly, down to Des Moines, back to Waverly and then back to Cedar Rapids. A ton of driving. So I appreciate it a ton. It was very fun just getting to talk to her and gossip a bit. (I am always up for a little gossip!) :) I thought it would be nice to bring Alayna along for the trip because she is always talking about me going to the doctor...And with Tracy going, they could keep eachother company and drive eachother nuts if my appointment was long.
My fill literally took MAYBE twenty minutes. Two hour drive each way for a twenty minute appointment. Thats crazy.
Its been a month since my surgery. I am physically feeling much better. I feel stronger. I can lift and hold the kids and lift my own butt off the couch. Amazing, I know.
Tomorrow morning, I meet with my oncologist in Waterloo, Dr. Singh. My parents and Dan are going with and we are going to go over the pathology report and determine my treatment plan. Just another step in the journey...
Wednesday, I have a wig-fitting appointment. I am a little excited for this because I told the girl that I wanted Kim Kardashian hair. So she is pulling all the long, dark wigs for me to try on. Maybe I will love my wig more than my real hair!
Not a whole lot is up. Tomorrow, I will have more news on what my treatment is going to look like.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
April 13th 2011
Its been about a week since my last blog. I think I am doing a bit better, emotionally, since then. I dont know how, exactly. I dont know if I have just accepted the fact that I have to do chemo...or if I have spent a lot of time NOT thinking about it. But after the first few days after receiving my oncotype results, I just turned off that part of my brain. I just stopped thinking about it.
Its been almost three weeks since my surgery and I am still very sore, almost in actual pain. I do think that maybe I do try to do too much, especially with my kids...but I hate not being able to do things, like lift up my kids. So I try to do it anyway....then pay for it later. Like today. I am SORE!
Yesterday, I kept the kids home from daycare so we could go to my friends home and take some "Mommy and Me" pics. (If you dont know, I have my kids photographed a TON by my friend, Michelle Stricker. Go to strickerphotography.co to see some of her work! Shes awesome) Well, anyway, kids werent having it! Both were super crabby, and Mom ended up that way too. Our pics werent too successful. My kids are also so familiar with Michelle that they feel comfortable being naughty in front of her too, so that didnt help.
Well, needless to say, the rest of the day was a struggle for me. With two little ones that just want to throw tantrums or hit eachother or fight over my lap, I was exhausted. I put DIEGO on at 7pm and fell asleep on the couch while they watched it. Wow! What a great mom!
I go next week for my first fill at Dr. Reeces office. I am looking forward to it sooo much. I am sooo sore on my chest and can only really feel the metal in the expanders. So when kids bump up against me, I just keep bruising in those spots. It is actually painful. So anyway, once I have more saline in there, hopefully, it will feel much better/ softer. I cant wait. April 26th, I meet with oncologist in Waterloo. We, then, plan out my treatment course. I am anxious to know, yet dreading to know what exactly I will be doing...or more so, WHEN I will be doing it.
So thats it for today. I have my baby blanket ("strawberry" is her name) on me and I am holding down the couch watching dvr-ed My Fair Wedding with David Tutera and trying to nap before kids get here and wear me out. Thanks for everyone's continued support and love!
PS. I am adding to my blog today just because I wanted to post what Alayna just told me as I was giving her some goldfish crackers. She looked up at me and out of the clear blue said, "Mom! I want your little boobies to get bigger!" Wow! My two year old!! I guess she misses the "old" me! I cant help but post that. I think its slightly hilarious coming from her mouth.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
April 8 2011
Like life, cancer is a rollercoaster! A few days ago, I was thrilled about having my drains removed , but today is a much tougher day.
Yesterday, I was in the bathroom straightening my hair for my big morning out (ha, this is sarcastic) because I was leaving the house for something other than a doctors appointment. Thursdays, we always pick up Alexa and Mom was gonna drive me and the kids to pick her up from preschool. So anyway, I was getting ready. Alayna came in and wanted her hair "LONG" too. Its so funny, she calls getting her hair straightened "getting her hair long" because with her really curly hair, her hair looks sooo much longer once it is straightened. So I was doing her hair when my cell rang.
I knew from the number that it was Niki, the nurse from Dr. Duvens office. She told me that the oncotyping test called a mammoprint came back and that she had the results. This test determines the probability of any woman under the age of 60 yrs old, having a recurrence of cancer in the next ten years. She told me that my results came back very high that I would have a recurrence. All I said was "Even though I just had a double mastectomy??" She said yes. It could recur somewhere else in my body.
From the time I hung up, til about an hour later, I was BAWLING. Even as I was finishing Alayna's hair, she had to ask me "Mama!!! Why you cryin ALL the time?" How she asked it made me smile a little bit. I just havent cried about this whole thing before this. You are probably asking why?? Obviously, this was always a possibility. But I truly didnt think that I was going to have to have chemo. After the testing came back that I didnt have the BRCA1/ BRCA2 gene, I thought that this cancer was a fluke incident and that having the mastectomy would relieve the problem. I felt very lucky and hopeful and thought the worst was over.
But now, I know that this is just the beginning of the journey.
Lets be real, having the mastectomy has been even harder than I imagined it would be. Yes, I knew it wasnt going to be easy. But I am still much more sore/ unable to do things that I thought I would be able to by now, two weeks later. I still have such a hard time just lifting myself off the couch, chair, bed by pushing off with my arms. I cant put the weight on my arms yet without it really hurting. My whole chest ACHES to the touch.
The worst part is that I cant hold Paxon. Everytime he is on my lap he ends up pushing me or bumping me and completely hurting me. Then I panic, and as I am trying to get him off me, he is pushing back on me with even more force. Its terrible. It absolutely kills me that I cant even hold my baby boy. (Ok, I gotta get a grip....my waterworks are on in full force) It hurts sooo horribly bad that I cant just cuddle with him when he wants to crawl up in my lap and give me a kiss. I have to push him back a bit. Try imagining that with your child. It kills me.
The girls at my "girls night out" before my surgery were joking around that I was a control freak. Its true to some extent. (stop rolling your eyes, girls. Its only KINDA true) I hate that I cant control what my next steps are. I hate that I cant control any of this. I am a planner. I plan out our family vacations a YEAR before we take them. I plan out the kids' outfits the night before they need to wear them. I own 4-6 different planners/ assignment books throughout a year because I like to have everything written down, organized and planned. Once the book starts to get messy, I buy a new one and start over. I cant stand to not have it all nice and neat. Where I am getting at with this, is that I cant PLAN this. I cant plan when my treatments will "kick in" and make me ill. I cant plan when I will lose my hair. I cant plan how my kids will take this, or how it will affect them. I am scared of the affects this will have on them, on my relationships with them, my marriage, my family finances, my job, even my faith. I feel so helpless/ hopeless but there is soooo much I cant control. It doesnt settle well with me.
Ok...I have got to get some sleep. Alayna just stopped talking to me, so I believe she just passed out for the night....because like her mother, her mouth just yak, yak, yaks til shes asleep. For everyone who has been so proud of me, or said that I am so tough, Im not. This cancer crap SUCKS and my attitude sucks too. Sorry.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
April 6 2011
I GOT RID OF THE BALL AND CHAINS!!
(And I dont mean my husband! Haha! I would NEVER consider Dan a ball and chain.... maybe eye candy, or a BEAUTIFUL assessory! :) )
My drains, all four of them, got removed yesterday. Now, I feel like a relatively normal person! I can MOVE around, I dont have to be always holding the dang things or wearing shirts with HUGE pockets to shove them into! I am happy!
Again, its the little things that make me happy now.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
April 3 2011
How I am feeling today; Its a gorgeous day, even a bit warm. Our whole fam went outside in our back/ side yard and kicked around balls while daddy raked and cleaned up a bit. I get winded pretty easy. I feel like an old lady. But it was so nice to be outside and get some fresh air. I look at my kids and Dan and just feel extremely BLESSED. I am not angry, scared, depressed...or any of that! (yeah, the drains that are still in are annoying, but they come out in less than 48 hours, then that alleviates that problem)
I feel like I really LOVE my life. I really love being married to Dan. He was the man I knew I wanted to marry LONG before I convinced him to finally do it! :) I LOVE my kids. This week each of my kids have expressed to me in their own individual ways how much they love me and care for me. Life slowing down a little bit for me, has given me time to realize and identify those little things. Each kid is a wonderful, caring, loving, beautiful child....when they are not around their siblings! HA! But really, often times when they are together, they are fighting, yelling, not wanting to share, and then those are the things you remember at the end of the day. This last week, I have been able to have each child alone, to cuddle with me, or to sit on the couch and just talk to me, or to lay in bed and pray with me....These have been some of the best moments. I LOVE our town, our house, my friends and my family. I feel like I have a better relationship wtih my parents and can now see how much they really do love me, and that they are even proud of me....even though, this isnt something I fully understand right now.
I get told ALL the time that people are proud of me, or that I am tough, or whatever...something along those lines. I dont really understand those statements all that much. All I did was get cancer. I didnt CHOOSE it. But I have it so I gotta live life like I have been, and just incorporate the crap that I have to do to get rid of the cancer, into the mess of what is the rest of my life. I dont feel like I am dying, and kinda refuse to believe that would be possible anyway. I have beautiful kids to raise and watch get older and bless me with grandchildren. (Lol, maybe I should say something more timely, like....watching them go to their first day of school!) Since I dont feel like a fatalist, I dont sit at home, crying about this. I dont ever cry about it. I dont even get upset.
How I physically look now, is just something, strangely enough, I have immediately accepted. (Immediately following the surgery....NOT immediately after hearing the news of what would happen to me) I think a lot of people are curious as to what it all entails...what it all looks like, feels like, etc. I am not ashamed or modest. (Again, I am an open book) I know that people would never WANT to look like this, but it is how I do look now. Big deal. It really isnt as important as I thought it would be.
I am feeling better each day. And I have been weaning off the pain killers. Mornings are somewhat terrible for me, because I stiffen up throughout the night and can barely move, and need help sitting up when I wake up. But then I take my muscle relaxers, pain killers and antibiotics, and slip back into a coma for a few more hours. THOSE are the best hours of sleep.
So thats me today. I was thinking of posting a blog for April Fools but couldnt come up with a joke that would have been APPROPRIATE for the whole online world to read, so I kept mum. :) I hope everyone enjoyed the wonderful weekend!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
March 30th 2011 (My 28th BDAY)
I am going to attempt to blog today to keep everyone informed with what is up lately. First off, I am home. I came home Sunday March 27th. I was very very sore at first, and still am to some extent. The first few days I could not get up, sit up or even adjust my butt without someone helping me. It is amazing how much you use your arms and muscles in your chest, that you never would think of. I am on percocet and valium and cephelexa. I take the pain killers every 4 hours and then I often feel drowsy and out of it. (This has been main reason why I havent blogged yet, because I start to think about blogging, and I drift off to sleep) I have been lucky to have my mom here with me, and my kids have gone to the babysitter like usual. My mom has helped me bathe (yes, very awkward at 27 to have to have your mom sponge bathe you....eeeks!), feed me, clean my house, make sure I take my meds and slept with me. I have appreciated her a lot. Right now, I have drains (4 of them) that are stitched under my breasts that are to release any extra drainage and to prevent from infection. They are a pain in the butt!!!! I cant wait to get rid of them! They obviously have some weight to them, and if they are dropped while standing, they pull on my stitch and KILL!! Also, if they are accidently pulled, they hurt as well. I cant wait to get rid of them, and then I will feel much more up to par. I believe right now, they will be removed Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. I have to wear something with pockets to shove the drain "bulbs" in. Its not pretty. Mostly I am just chillin in pjs. Heres what happened during the surgery: Mastectomy took place first. Dr. Hamling came out and talked to Dan and my parents afterwards and told them that there was no lymph node involvement. Although, they initially thought it was only in stage one, my nirse told me today over the phone that it was just slightly over stage 1, and considerred stage 2. Also, although they had thought previously that it was grade 2, it was actually grade 3. We are waiting back on the results from the oncotype testing. This test gives a score. The higher the score, the higher the recurrance of the cancer. The higher the score, the more likely I will have to have chemo. I am eager to know these results...HOWEVER, if they are high, I would rather not know for awhile. I dont want to be stressing about chemo yet. I know a lot of you women are wondering what my breasts are like. I am not shy, so guys, if you dont wanna know, STOP READING. They are scarred, pretty much all the way across them. But there are still very round (although small) mounds. I am not upset about what they look like, like I thought I would be. I think the scars will heal ok. And someday I am gonna have huge round ones when I am sixty and most of you girls have dirty gym socks tucked into your belts. LOL. Just kidding. They are very very sore, and tender to the touch. Remember there are small "pouches" in each breast that they will start filling with saline in about two weeks. Every week, I will go down to Des Moines to meet with the plastic surgeon to have more saline added until I am satisfied with the looks and size. Then I will have another surgery to replace the "pouch" with silicone implants. In about a month, I will have to start treatment. That may be chemo, hormonal therapy or Her2. We dont know which route we are taking yet. In a few weeks, I will meet with my oncologist, and we will determine our course of action. Right now I am hopeful. I think things are getting better. I am not down, depressed or discouraged. I actually think that I am very blessed and lucky.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
March 26th 2011
Yeah, yeah, yeah! I cant stay off the computer, even when I am in the hospital. But give me a break, this isnt the most entertaining place to be. I have to have something to do to keep my sanity.
Heres how everything has gone so far:
Thursday, I got here at 930, and was expected to go into surgery at 1030, but they must have been behind or had operating rooms occupied bc I didnt go into surgery til 1130. It was not fun to wait that long, and just caused me to have so much more anxiety.
When I got into the operating room, all I can remember is them switching me onto the other bed, and thats it. I woke up in the brightest lit room I think I have ever experienced. I was in the recovery room. I finally got to my hospital room at 630.
I was very sore, and sooo out of it Thursday night. My parents and Dan were here, and they told me that everything went great. There was no involvement in my lymph nodes, so that is a great thing. It had been seven hours since I had seen them so I think that they were relieved to see that I was ok...I cant imagine waiting that long for a loved one to get out of surgery. I would be going nuts. But the doctors were great and each came out to tell them how each surgery went.
My friend Ericka came Thursday night and brought Dan something to eat (Thanks, Ericka!). I feel bad bc I was still soo groggy and I couldnt even really see straight. I ended up passing out while she was here.
Thursday and Friday I had a hard time just being able to sit up by myself and bc they were pumping me full of so many fluids, Dan had to help me go to the bathroom only about 30 times. Hes been such a trooper. I couldnt do ANYTHING really without his help. Thats kinda hard for me, since I want to be able to do everything myself. I hate to be a real inconvenience to him or anyone.
Friday, I rested still. Although I couldnt and still cant sleep for long periods of time. Each time I would wake up, I would push my morphine button to get some more relief. I dont know how exactly to explain how it feels. I am very sore, and feel kinda swolen but its not a full throttle pain, like you would expect. I cant move my arms as well as I want to, but Im getting better even with that slowly. Friday afternoon, they took me off morphine, and started me on oral pain killers.
We have had wonderful nurses and staff. Everyone is so very nice and caring. We also have a friend who is a nurse manager...I am not sure what her title is for sure, but she had told the nurses before we got up here to treat me like royalty. Lol. I appreciate it so much.
Friday evening, my friend Tracy came to see me. We joked around and it was nice to have her here. I dont feel as bad as I thought I would and visitors are nice to just keep me entertained. My cousin, Brandon and his wife, Abbey came Friday evening too, bringing Dan tons of food and me some sweatpants and cute slippers. It was all very thoughtful and kind. I had a good time catching up and talking to them.
In the night, last night, I was determined to get out of bed and go to the bathroom and walk around without having to have Dan help me. So I maneuvered a way to get out of bed myself. I even took a walk around the halls.
I feel like I am doing really well. But the pain killers could be tricking me. Who knows? I am still not sure if I will leave today or tomorrow. I would personally like to stay another night, even though its boring, but would like to give myself a little more time to heal and get stronger before going home to my chaos. But I also miss my babies. We will see.
Heres how everything has gone so far:
Thursday, I got here at 930, and was expected to go into surgery at 1030, but they must have been behind or had operating rooms occupied bc I didnt go into surgery til 1130. It was not fun to wait that long, and just caused me to have so much more anxiety.
When I got into the operating room, all I can remember is them switching me onto the other bed, and thats it. I woke up in the brightest lit room I think I have ever experienced. I was in the recovery room. I finally got to my hospital room at 630.
I was very sore, and sooo out of it Thursday night. My parents and Dan were here, and they told me that everything went great. There was no involvement in my lymph nodes, so that is a great thing. It had been seven hours since I had seen them so I think that they were relieved to see that I was ok...I cant imagine waiting that long for a loved one to get out of surgery. I would be going nuts. But the doctors were great and each came out to tell them how each surgery went.
My friend Ericka came Thursday night and brought Dan something to eat (Thanks, Ericka!). I feel bad bc I was still soo groggy and I couldnt even really see straight. I ended up passing out while she was here.
Thursday and Friday I had a hard time just being able to sit up by myself and bc they were pumping me full of so many fluids, Dan had to help me go to the bathroom only about 30 times. Hes been such a trooper. I couldnt do ANYTHING really without his help. Thats kinda hard for me, since I want to be able to do everything myself. I hate to be a real inconvenience to him or anyone.
Friday, I rested still. Although I couldnt and still cant sleep for long periods of time. Each time I would wake up, I would push my morphine button to get some more relief. I dont know how exactly to explain how it feels. I am very sore, and feel kinda swolen but its not a full throttle pain, like you would expect. I cant move my arms as well as I want to, but Im getting better even with that slowly. Friday afternoon, they took me off morphine, and started me on oral pain killers.
We have had wonderful nurses and staff. Everyone is so very nice and caring. We also have a friend who is a nurse manager...I am not sure what her title is for sure, but she had told the nurses before we got up here to treat me like royalty. Lol. I appreciate it so much.
Friday evening, my friend Tracy came to see me. We joked around and it was nice to have her here. I dont feel as bad as I thought I would and visitors are nice to just keep me entertained. My cousin, Brandon and his wife, Abbey came Friday evening too, bringing Dan tons of food and me some sweatpants and cute slippers. It was all very thoughtful and kind. I had a good time catching up and talking to them.
In the night, last night, I was determined to get out of bed and go to the bathroom and walk around without having to have Dan help me. So I maneuvered a way to get out of bed myself. I even took a walk around the halls.
I feel like I am doing really well. But the pain killers could be tricking me. Who knows? I am still not sure if I will leave today or tomorrow. I would personally like to stay another night, even though its boring, but would like to give myself a little more time to heal and get stronger before going home to my chaos. But I also miss my babies. We will see.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
March 23 2011
This is gonna be it for awhile (a week?) for the blog.
I have pretty bad anxiety today, so much that I am getting slightly physically sick.
Tomorrow is the big day!
Ive looked down at my chest a few times today and said goodbye to the girls. I let them know how much I appreciated their help getting Dans attention, and then later, feeding my children.
Man, I will miss them! (yes, I did actually say this to them.....cancer affects not just the cells in my breast, but also in my brain! :) )
But really, I am very scared today. Tomorrow will be worse, and when I wake up from the surgery, I can imagine it will be even more terrifying, and somewhat painful.
Over all, today, I am overwhelmed, anxious, nervous, terrified...but I am not as mad or angry. I still have a hard time about WHY this is happening now, but know that it is and I cant stop it.
I need to say thank you to so many people that have supported me and prayed for me and my family. I really appreciate it and feel very loved. (Also, I have actually been able to pray today.... Im that scared... I know I need His help, care and love throughout all this!)
I have pretty bad anxiety today, so much that I am getting slightly physically sick.
Tomorrow is the big day!
Ive looked down at my chest a few times today and said goodbye to the girls. I let them know how much I appreciated their help getting Dans attention, and then later, feeding my children.
Man, I will miss them! (yes, I did actually say this to them.....cancer affects not just the cells in my breast, but also in my brain! :) )
But really, I am very scared today. Tomorrow will be worse, and when I wake up from the surgery, I can imagine it will be even more terrifying, and somewhat painful.
Over all, today, I am overwhelmed, anxious, nervous, terrified...but I am not as mad or angry. I still have a hard time about WHY this is happening now, but know that it is and I cant stop it.
I need to say thank you to so many people that have supported me and prayed for me and my family. I really appreciate it and feel very loved. (Also, I have actually been able to pray today.... Im that scared... I know I need His help, care and love throughout all this!)
Monday, March 21, 2011
MARCH 21 2011
Today I got a message from my nurse, Niki, at Dr Duvens office. They had originally forgot to test my labs for HER2. The results came back today positive. I will admit I dont truly understand Her2. But it means that I have an additional set of treatments/ form of therapy after chemo is over. I also know that these type of tumors tend to grow and spread more quickly than tumors that are not Her2 positive.
Today, I am feeling overwhelmed, and getting more scared. For the most part, cancer has been something I have been talking about but very soon (2 days) will be something that is taking over my body, my time, my life.
I know I can and will get through this time, but its not something that I want to HAVE to. I complain to friends and family about how unhappy I am that I have to have mutilated boobs (yes, this is how I phrase it...mutilated!) and I always get the same damn response, "but at least you will be alive!" Ok, really, is this supposed to make me feel better? At 27, I have to decide between having boobs or living!!!??! Really?! It seems very unfair. And I am getting bitter. (Can you tell?)
Today, I was beginning to have a mini- breakdown at work so left early and drove right to a hair salon. I told the girl that I was having a mid life crisis and wanted to dye and chop my hair. And thats what she did. (Stupid, Val! Stop doing things impulsively....I never learn that lesson.) When I went to pick the kids up, Pax scrunched up his face like he was disgusted. I said, "Pax you dont like my hair?" And he shook his head, with the same repulsed look on his face. Well, at least that made me laugh. I thought, "boy, arent you just like your father?" I can imagine Dan will have a similar reaction when he sees that I chopped my long hair. Oh well, he will probably see me with much less hair and unfortunately will have to deal with it.
I have had a hard time crying...its just not something I have allowed myself to do. Is that weird? When I start to feel like I could cry, I almost get mad at myself and dont allow myself to let the tears fall. Its like, although, I think everything is very unfair, I am more mad than sad. I feel like I had gotten harder, less emotional.
Today, I am feeling overwhelmed, and getting more scared. For the most part, cancer has been something I have been talking about but very soon (2 days) will be something that is taking over my body, my time, my life.
I know I can and will get through this time, but its not something that I want to HAVE to. I complain to friends and family about how unhappy I am that I have to have mutilated boobs (yes, this is how I phrase it...mutilated!) and I always get the same damn response, "but at least you will be alive!" Ok, really, is this supposed to make me feel better? At 27, I have to decide between having boobs or living!!!??! Really?! It seems very unfair. And I am getting bitter. (Can you tell?)
Today, I was beginning to have a mini- breakdown at work so left early and drove right to a hair salon. I told the girl that I was having a mid life crisis and wanted to dye and chop my hair. And thats what she did. (Stupid, Val! Stop doing things impulsively....I never learn that lesson.) When I went to pick the kids up, Pax scrunched up his face like he was disgusted. I said, "Pax you dont like my hair?" And he shook his head, with the same repulsed look on his face. Well, at least that made me laugh. I thought, "boy, arent you just like your father?" I can imagine Dan will have a similar reaction when he sees that I chopped my long hair. Oh well, he will probably see me with much less hair and unfortunately will have to deal with it.
I have had a hard time crying...its just not something I have allowed myself to do. Is that weird? When I start to feel like I could cry, I almost get mad at myself and dont allow myself to let the tears fall. Its like, although, I think everything is very unfair, I am more mad than sad. I feel like I had gotten harder, less emotional.
Friday, March 18, 2011
March 18th
OK, so Im starting to get bummed.
Up until yesterday, I have been able to joke around about how I am gonna get implants and a blond wig and pretend Im Pamela Anderson. Man, Dan will LOVE this!! HA! :)
Yesterday, I went to the plastic surgeons office to have my consult before surgery next week. I will admit that I was kinda even excited about this appointment. But when I went there, I was in for a little bit of a shock. I asked to be able to see pictures of reconstructive surgeries done previously. It was about 1230, and I hadnt ate lunch....And Im glad I hadnt! I felt kinda sick. I dont think I realized or even began to imagine how RAW a mastectomy is. I didnt realize how much time and pain this is going to involve.
Since yesterday I have kinda been bummed. Surgery is starting to freak me out and Ive had a hard time sleeping. I am exhausted and I dont know if its emotionally, physically or mentally.
Thats me today. Dont even feel like writing much because my attitude stinks today!
It will get better, I know it.
Up until yesterday, I have been able to joke around about how I am gonna get implants and a blond wig and pretend Im Pamela Anderson. Man, Dan will LOVE this!! HA! :)
Yesterday, I went to the plastic surgeons office to have my consult before surgery next week. I will admit that I was kinda even excited about this appointment. But when I went there, I was in for a little bit of a shock. I asked to be able to see pictures of reconstructive surgeries done previously. It was about 1230, and I hadnt ate lunch....And Im glad I hadnt! I felt kinda sick. I dont think I realized or even began to imagine how RAW a mastectomy is. I didnt realize how much time and pain this is going to involve.
Since yesterday I have kinda been bummed. Surgery is starting to freak me out and Ive had a hard time sleeping. I am exhausted and I dont know if its emotionally, physically or mentally.
Thats me today. Dont even feel like writing much because my attitude stinks today!
It will get better, I know it.
Friday, March 11, 2011
March 11 2011
GREAT NEWS TODAY!!
I got the call from my nurse at Dr. Duvens office this afternoon with my genetic testing results! I do not carry the gene that causes cancer!
This means sooo much to me...Its crazy the things that make you happy when you have been diagnosed with cancer.
One: I dont have to worry about my sister and my kids (as much).
Two: I dont have to worry as much about this recurring somewhere else in my body.
Three: I get to keep my ovaries.
So that was a good way to start my weekend!
Just keeping everyone updated!
I got the call from my nurse at Dr. Duvens office this afternoon with my genetic testing results! I do not carry the gene that causes cancer!
This means sooo much to me...Its crazy the things that make you happy when you have been diagnosed with cancer.
One: I dont have to worry about my sister and my kids (as much).
Two: I dont have to worry as much about this recurring somewhere else in my body.
Three: I get to keep my ovaries.
So that was a good way to start my weekend!
Just keeping everyone updated!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
March 10 (continued)
I realized in my last blog, I didnt mention that my surgery date has changed to March 24th at Methodist West in Des Moines. It was originally set for March 17th, in Waterloo. Thats no longer the case.
March 10th 2011
I have made the decision to get a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. (I dont want this crap to come back and take over my life again...I have kids to raise and I want to be there for EVERYTHING for them, not laid up in bed after treatment) Because I want reconstructive surgery, my doctor has recommended a plastic surgeon in Des Moines. Since I will be there, another surgeon at the Cancer Center there will first perform my mastectomy and immediately after the plastic surgeon will do the reconstruction.
Yesterday I had my consult with the breast care doctor/ surgoen, Dr. Scott Hamling in Des Moines. He explained that with doing a mastectomy, I am lowering my chance of the cancer recurring to less than 1%. If I had a lumpectomy, the chances of recurrence would be roughly 14%. Because the MRI came back showing no signs of cancer in my lymph nodes (we dont know this for sure until after surgery), he feels that there is a chance I could be 100% cured after surgery. He made me much more hopeful.
We are still waiting results from the genetic testing to see if I carry the BRCA1 gene. If I do, we may be removing my ovaries.
I have a small chance that I may not need chemotherapy. I am praying and hoping for that.
Yesterday I had my consult with the breast care doctor/ surgoen, Dr. Scott Hamling in Des Moines. He explained that with doing a mastectomy, I am lowering my chance of the cancer recurring to less than 1%. If I had a lumpectomy, the chances of recurrence would be roughly 14%. Because the MRI came back showing no signs of cancer in my lymph nodes (we dont know this for sure until after surgery), he feels that there is a chance I could be 100% cured after surgery. He made me much more hopeful.
We are still waiting results from the genetic testing to see if I carry the BRCA1 gene. If I do, we may be removing my ovaries.
I have a small chance that I may not need chemotherapy. I am praying and hoping for that.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
March 5th
Tuesday I had a MRI. It was a little nerve racking, lying in that LOUD machine without moving for a half hour. When they administered the dye, I felt nausous for about 45 seconds, and my thoughts were "Oh no! Im gonna throw up all over myself!" But it quickly went away.
The results were sent to Cedar Rapids to be read and they were supposed to take 2 days to get back.
Wednesday afternoon, Niki, my nurse at Dr. Duvens office called with the results. The MRI showed that it doesnt appear to have spread to my lymph nodes. (ALLELUIA!) But testing that they ran at the time of the biopsy whether or not my cancer is reactive to the female hormones, estrogen and progesterone came back very positive. What this means, she explained, is that I will need hormonal treatments while taking chemo and this will essentially cause me to go into menopause. Also, we may consider removing my ovaries to prevent from ovarian cancer.
So, my dreams of another baby, biologically, are over. Its sad to know that. I know that it may not have happened again without the cancer, but the certainty that I will not be pregnant again, is sad.
Of course, I am very very blessed with the children that I do have. God does work in miraculous, intentional ways. Alayna was not planned by us, and Paxon came only 14 months after Alayna. I know most people probably thought we were crazy having kids so quickly and so close together. I am soo thankful that we did. Without kids now, I would be a DISASTER. My life purpose has always been to be a mom. Its all that I dreamed of being when I "grew up" so I am very lucky for my babies.
Thursday, Dan, my mom and I met with Dr Duven to discuss the MRI and what my options are. I also did a quick genetic testing to see if I carried the gene that causes cancer.
My options now are:
Lumpectomy: Just removing the area where the cancer is right now. That would be followed by radiation therapy and chemotherapy and the hormonal therapy.
Mastectomy on just my left side: Removing my left breast all together. Followed by chemotherapy and hormonal therapy.
Double (bilateral) mastectomy: Removing both breasts. Followed by chemo and hormonal therapy. This will be recommended if genetic tests come back positive.
With the mastectomy, I can get reconstructive surgery. They will never look the same. And it will be weird. But really, the whole situation is strange and will be to me (and my family) for quite awhile.
Everyone asks how Im doing. Im doing ok. Really the first day, just getting the news, was the hardest. Now I just need to do what I need to to get rid of it and deal with it. Ive been so busy with work, doctor visits (4 this week!) and my kids that I havent had time to sit and feel bad for myself. Yes, Im gonna potentially lose my breasts, but really I lost the beauty of them after breast feeding. :) I understand Im not gonna like how my chest looks for the rest of my life...and I am deep down concerned of how Dan will view my body. I think that is normal. Yes, Im gonna lose my hair, probably even my eyebrows. I will look weird. But everyone who is anyone in my life will understand and still (hopefully) love me. And it will grow back.
I am concerned about how Dan is. He is so quiet. I think hes taking it harder than me. Also, he is scared to talk to me about his fears. He doesnt want to scare me.
I am scared of how this will affect my kids, so I need the rest of my family to be really strong for THEM. We need to explain to them how Mommy will be sick, how I will lose my hair bc of the medicine the doctors are using to make me better, and how I am going to be better someday. It will be very hard for me, on that end....that I wont be able to physically take care of my kids when I have treatments or surgery. I got online this morning and bought some books specifically for children that helps explain whats going on with Mommy. (I couldnt sleep, thinking about what I should do to help them) Last night, I tied a pillowcase around my head (it was pink so it looked gorgeous) to show Alexa what I would look like. She thought it was funny. I wore it most of the night. Alexa wanted one too.
Next step right now is just get the genetic testing back and go from there. My surgery is still set up for March 17th but depending on what we decide, it may be changed a little bit.
All I need now is prayers and I know we are getting a lot of those. Its hard for me to pray right now. I can pray for others, but I havent been able to yet about this diagnosis.
I have a lot of support and am thankful for that. I do feel very loved. I guess something like this helps you realize that.
The results were sent to Cedar Rapids to be read and they were supposed to take 2 days to get back.
Wednesday afternoon, Niki, my nurse at Dr. Duvens office called with the results. The MRI showed that it doesnt appear to have spread to my lymph nodes. (ALLELUIA!) But testing that they ran at the time of the biopsy whether or not my cancer is reactive to the female hormones, estrogen and progesterone came back very positive. What this means, she explained, is that I will need hormonal treatments while taking chemo and this will essentially cause me to go into menopause. Also, we may consider removing my ovaries to prevent from ovarian cancer.
So, my dreams of another baby, biologically, are over. Its sad to know that. I know that it may not have happened again without the cancer, but the certainty that I will not be pregnant again, is sad.
Of course, I am very very blessed with the children that I do have. God does work in miraculous, intentional ways. Alayna was not planned by us, and Paxon came only 14 months after Alayna. I know most people probably thought we were crazy having kids so quickly and so close together. I am soo thankful that we did. Without kids now, I would be a DISASTER. My life purpose has always been to be a mom. Its all that I dreamed of being when I "grew up" so I am very lucky for my babies.
Thursday, Dan, my mom and I met with Dr Duven to discuss the MRI and what my options are. I also did a quick genetic testing to see if I carried the gene that causes cancer.
My options now are:
Lumpectomy: Just removing the area where the cancer is right now. That would be followed by radiation therapy and chemotherapy and the hormonal therapy.
Mastectomy on just my left side: Removing my left breast all together. Followed by chemotherapy and hormonal therapy.
Double (bilateral) mastectomy: Removing both breasts. Followed by chemo and hormonal therapy. This will be recommended if genetic tests come back positive.
With the mastectomy, I can get reconstructive surgery. They will never look the same. And it will be weird. But really, the whole situation is strange and will be to me (and my family) for quite awhile.
Everyone asks how Im doing. Im doing ok. Really the first day, just getting the news, was the hardest. Now I just need to do what I need to to get rid of it and deal with it. Ive been so busy with work, doctor visits (4 this week!) and my kids that I havent had time to sit and feel bad for myself. Yes, Im gonna potentially lose my breasts, but really I lost the beauty of them after breast feeding. :) I understand Im not gonna like how my chest looks for the rest of my life...and I am deep down concerned of how Dan will view my body. I think that is normal. Yes, Im gonna lose my hair, probably even my eyebrows. I will look weird. But everyone who is anyone in my life will understand and still (hopefully) love me. And it will grow back.
I am concerned about how Dan is. He is so quiet. I think hes taking it harder than me. Also, he is scared to talk to me about his fears. He doesnt want to scare me.
I am scared of how this will affect my kids, so I need the rest of my family to be really strong for THEM. We need to explain to them how Mommy will be sick, how I will lose my hair bc of the medicine the doctors are using to make me better, and how I am going to be better someday. It will be very hard for me, on that end....that I wont be able to physically take care of my kids when I have treatments or surgery. I got online this morning and bought some books specifically for children that helps explain whats going on with Mommy. (I couldnt sleep, thinking about what I should do to help them) Last night, I tied a pillowcase around my head (it was pink so it looked gorgeous) to show Alexa what I would look like. She thought it was funny. I wore it most of the night. Alexa wanted one too.
Next step right now is just get the genetic testing back and go from there. My surgery is still set up for March 17th but depending on what we decide, it may be changed a little bit.
All I need now is prayers and I know we are getting a lot of those. Its hard for me to pray right now. I can pray for others, but I havent been able to yet about this diagnosis.
I have a lot of support and am thankful for that. I do feel very loved. I guess something like this helps you realize that.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Feb 28 2011
Today Ive been given the scariest news of my life. I have breast cancer. Me. 27 years old. Mother of a 2 yr old and a 1 yr old.
Its hard to fully process this and its hard to wrap my mind around. I would never in a million years expected this at this young age, and I was never worried about this happening to me even in old age.
Today, I went to get the results of a biopsy taken last Thursday (Today is Monday) My doctor showed me pictures of the biopsy taken with the ultrasound that he was preforming at the same time as the biopsy. He showed me that it the lump was little less than an inch, but that it did come back as cancerous. I then somewhat lost it, even after preparing myself for these results, I didnt ACTUALLY think I would be getting told this today. I had made it clear that I didnt want anyone to go with me to get the results bc I thought it would be foolish when it came back nothing but a cyst. But I regretted that decision quickly and called Dan at his work to come meet with me and the nurse.
I was told several times that I wouldnt remember most of what they were going to tell me and I am sure that that is right. My mind was reeling.
What I know today: I have breast cancer, specifically in my left breast. It is invasive (which 80% of breast cancer cases are). It is grade 2, meaning that is growing at medium speed. They dont know what stage it is in. I have a MRI tomorrow and an appointment to meet with the doctor to discuss the results of the MRI Thursday.
March 17th, I will have some sort of surgery. Either lumpectomy (spelling?) or a mastectomy. This will be determined by the doctor after seeing the MRI.
After surgery, I will need treatment. Radiation or chemotherapy.
I am petrified for the most materialistic of reasons. I am going to most likely lose a breast and my hair. For a woman, this is horrible. It will be humiliating. And I am crying now writing this. Isnt that silly? I dont fear dying. And I dont think this will kill me. But the next year will be painful and terrible. Im afraid that I wont be a good mom to my kids when I am sick from treatment. And I am afraid of living constantly afraid....of it spreading, of it coming back, etc.
Thats my state of mind today. Its been a lot to process.
Its hard to fully process this and its hard to wrap my mind around. I would never in a million years expected this at this young age, and I was never worried about this happening to me even in old age.
Today, I went to get the results of a biopsy taken last Thursday (Today is Monday) My doctor showed me pictures of the biopsy taken with the ultrasound that he was preforming at the same time as the biopsy. He showed me that it the lump was little less than an inch, but that it did come back as cancerous. I then somewhat lost it, even after preparing myself for these results, I didnt ACTUALLY think I would be getting told this today. I had made it clear that I didnt want anyone to go with me to get the results bc I thought it would be foolish when it came back nothing but a cyst. But I regretted that decision quickly and called Dan at his work to come meet with me and the nurse.
I was told several times that I wouldnt remember most of what they were going to tell me and I am sure that that is right. My mind was reeling.
What I know today: I have breast cancer, specifically in my left breast. It is invasive (which 80% of breast cancer cases are). It is grade 2, meaning that is growing at medium speed. They dont know what stage it is in. I have a MRI tomorrow and an appointment to meet with the doctor to discuss the results of the MRI Thursday.
March 17th, I will have some sort of surgery. Either lumpectomy (spelling?) or a mastectomy. This will be determined by the doctor after seeing the MRI.
After surgery, I will need treatment. Radiation or chemotherapy.
I am petrified for the most materialistic of reasons. I am going to most likely lose a breast and my hair. For a woman, this is horrible. It will be humiliating. And I am crying now writing this. Isnt that silly? I dont fear dying. And I dont think this will kill me. But the next year will be painful and terrible. Im afraid that I wont be a good mom to my kids when I am sick from treatment. And I am afraid of living constantly afraid....of it spreading, of it coming back, etc.
Thats my state of mind today. Its been a lot to process.
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