How I am feeling today; Its a gorgeous day, even a bit warm. Our whole fam went outside in our back/ side yard and kicked around balls while daddy raked and cleaned up a bit. I get winded pretty easy. I feel like an old lady. But it was so nice to be outside and get some fresh air. I look at my kids and Dan and just feel extremely BLESSED. I am not angry, scared, depressed...or any of that! (yeah, the drains that are still in are annoying, but they come out in less than 48 hours, then that alleviates that problem)
I feel like I really LOVE my life. I really love being married to Dan. He was the man I knew I wanted to marry LONG before I convinced him to finally do it! :) I LOVE my kids. This week each of my kids have expressed to me in their own individual ways how much they love me and care for me. Life slowing down a little bit for me, has given me time to realize and identify those little things. Each kid is a wonderful, caring, loving, beautiful child....when they are not around their siblings! HA! But really, often times when they are together, they are fighting, yelling, not wanting to share, and then those are the things you remember at the end of the day. This last week, I have been able to have each child alone, to cuddle with me, or to sit on the couch and just talk to me, or to lay in bed and pray with me....These have been some of the best moments. I LOVE our town, our house, my friends and my family. I feel like I have a better relationship wtih my parents and can now see how much they really do love me, and that they are even proud of me....even though, this isnt something I fully understand right now.
I get told ALL the time that people are proud of me, or that I am tough, or whatever...something along those lines. I dont really understand those statements all that much. All I did was get cancer. I didnt CHOOSE it. But I have it so I gotta live life like I have been, and just incorporate the crap that I have to do to get rid of the cancer, into the mess of what is the rest of my life. I dont feel like I am dying, and kinda refuse to believe that would be possible anyway. I have beautiful kids to raise and watch get older and bless me with grandchildren. (Lol, maybe I should say something more timely, like....watching them go to their first day of school!) Since I dont feel like a fatalist, I dont sit at home, crying about this. I dont ever cry about it. I dont even get upset.
How I physically look now, is just something, strangely enough, I have immediately accepted. (Immediately following the surgery....NOT immediately after hearing the news of what would happen to me) I think a lot of people are curious as to what it all entails...what it all looks like, feels like, etc. I am not ashamed or modest. (Again, I am an open book) I know that people would never WANT to look like this, but it is how I do look now. Big deal. It really isnt as important as I thought it would be.
I am feeling better each day. And I have been weaning off the pain killers. Mornings are somewhat terrible for me, because I stiffen up throughout the night and can barely move, and need help sitting up when I wake up. But then I take my muscle relaxers, pain killers and antibiotics, and slip back into a coma for a few more hours. THOSE are the best hours of sleep.
So thats me today. I was thinking of posting a blog for April Fools but couldnt come up with a joke that would have been APPROPRIATE for the whole online world to read, so I kept mum. :) I hope everyone enjoyed the wonderful weekend!
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