Have you been waiting to hear about my baldness??
Well, its time. I am now bald...and wearing my wig!
Dan and I, with help from Dans sister, Gena, shaved each others heads yesterday after four days of my hair falling out more and more each day. I thought I was ready because I was so annoyed with finding hair EVERYWHERE in our house. But when the first CHUNK of hair was cut off, I lost it.
And then we were all crying.
So anyway, my hair is gone. Its kinda humiliating...Im not used to it. Today, when I went to my dr appointment at the Center of Infectious Diseases, I wore my wig and a hat.
My appointment went fine. No indication that there is staph in my blood. They gave me another prescription for an antibiotic and a wash for my body (and for the bodies of my family...bc they can have staph on their skin as well) and told me I am fine to have chemo this week. Yay!
I will post pics when I become more secure about it...not ready yet...
But thats the story today!!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
May 27th 2011 part two
So...I didnt have chemo today. When I went to see the doctor, my white blood count and platelet count was fine but when I showed him my one spot of staph on my leg, Dr. Singh was concerned. He explained that if he gave me chemo again, and the staph got into my blood, it could be fatal.
So, I was sent to my breast care doctors office to have the spot lanced, or cut open to drain and to have a culture done on it. Tuesday, I have to go to an appointment at Allen at the Center of Infectious Diseases. I am not sure who is testing to see if it has entered my blood. Maybe Dr. Singhs office will use the blood they took from me today.
Tuesday they will try to determine a good mix of drugs to fight the staph while doing chemo. If my blood is all fine, I will have treatment next Friday.
Anyway, I am thankful that I have the holiday weekend, chemo-free....and potentially will have energy to have a fun weekend! :)
On the other hand, I now have to buy a new planner...and start over again working on my schedule....(I am only kinda kidding!:))
So, I was sent to my breast care doctors office to have the spot lanced, or cut open to drain and to have a culture done on it. Tuesday, I have to go to an appointment at Allen at the Center of Infectious Diseases. I am not sure who is testing to see if it has entered my blood. Maybe Dr. Singhs office will use the blood they took from me today.
Tuesday they will try to determine a good mix of drugs to fight the staph while doing chemo. If my blood is all fine, I will have treatment next Friday.
Anyway, I am thankful that I have the holiday weekend, chemo-free....and potentially will have energy to have a fun weekend! :)
On the other hand, I now have to buy a new planner...and start over again working on my schedule....(I am only kinda kidding!:))
May 27th 2011
Im attempting to write on here this morning because it has been two (hellish) weeks since I wrote in here and this morning I go to my second round of treatment and after that, I know I wont feel up to it for awhile.
Chemo is crazy, an up and down rollercoaster changing from moment to moment.
With the last treatment, I first lost my taste of food...not that I didnt WANT food. I still crave foods but once I get those foods, I am disappointed that they do not taste like I had hoped or remembered. Everything is very bland. However, I have noticed in the last few days, things have started to taste better....
The day after treatment and for a few days to follow, I got very red in my face, chest and arms. I felt like I was on fire and proceeded to check my temp every hour. I never had a temp, so I can only assume the treatments made my skin very sensitive to soaps or lotions. ( I have sensitive skin anyway)
I didnt have too bad of nausea. They gave me FOUR prescriptions for that....so I think I was covered.
What I really felt was...dumb. I felt really out of it, like I was elderly, really. I felt forgetful or like I didnt know how to do the simplest everyday tasks. (Thats hard for a control freak to handle :)) I had a hard time staying asleep or getting much sleep at all. I was only able to manage about 3-4 hours of sleep at night.
My eyes are very sensitive to light and I get massive headaches. The first week after chemo, I went to my doctor about a spot of staph infection that I had on my leg. That spot multiplied to 6 other spots on my body. I have been on antibiotic since that doctor visit and the littler spots all went away. The bigger one is lingering. But it doesnt hurt like it used to, so thats a good sign. (to me anyway)
This week, I started feeling better....more alive, more energy. I had a persistent cough for a few days which I called the nurse about, but she said if I didnt have a fever, she wasnt too worried about it. Well, it wasnt going away, and my chest even hurt each time I coughed. I was fearful of pneumonia, so I went to the walk in clinic here in Waverly. Xrays, and blood work later, the doctor told me I have strep throat. Grrr. That was Wednesday night.
Yesterday, Thursday, we had preschool graduation in the morning for Alexa. I decided to get out of my sweats and sloppy look and actually blowdry and straighten my hair. ( I have not done any of this since last treatment because they warn against using straightners, curling irons, etc...it would speed up the hair loss process, I guess) As I was straightening my hair, I ran my hand through it and looked down. In my hand was about twenty hairs. I yelled for Dan. He came running in and I held up my hand. Then I ran my other hand through my hair again, and AGAIN, another twenty hairs. Tears came to my eyes and Dan came in to put his hand on my back, to comfort me. But the back of my black tshirt was also covered in hair. In reality, it was Day 14. The doctors had said expect hair loss anywhere from day 10- day 14. Each morning, as I showered and did not lose significant hair, I thought "Man, I am doing good. Maybe I really wont lose my hair!" Wishful thinking. Throughout the day, I have lost significant hair. It has not come out in clumps. It just is extreme shedding. My head of hair feels lighter.
Im not sure quite what to do right now about the whole hair/ head thing. I feel like I am not ready to be bald, or shave it. I also think I will know when I am ready to go ahead and do that. Dan has been growing out his hair and waiting to cut it for when I did lose my hair. We are going to shave eachothers heads. (I think that deep down he is relieved this day has come, because his hair is very long and he is ready for a cut! :))
I have felt such up and downs these last two weeks and there were times, I couldnt imagine writing on here. For days, I felt so terrible, I felt like I was dying now to live later...without a real guarantee. I felt absolutely sure for a few days that I would NOT do another treatment. I didnt want to feel so miserable again. (I am a terrible baby when it comes to being sick, energy-less, headaches and just feeling off kilter drives me mad!) Then there were days when I would look out my front window and be reminded of how beautiful life is. (I also have an amazing view of the river. In the morning, as the sun hits the water, it seems to sparkle.) I have sat on my porch and just watched birds, wishing I had a bird book to identify each finch and sparrow. (Yes, this goes back to chemo brain...it ages you.... you start doing things elderly people, with a lot of time on their hands, do.) I have walked the kids down to the river to watch the fishers catch fish and let them look at the fish up close. I have taken a walk on the mud path in the woods while it was raining with Alayna.
Somedays you hate life, and the next, you appreciate it more than you would previously. Thats what chemo does to you. I have had several cancer survivors talk to me, offer their advice or stories but one thing each one repeated many times to me in our talks is the simple phrase, "You will get through this." I have heard that more than anything else, and as I sat here, wrapped up in my blanket, in the corner of my couch, I wondered if they knew there was gonna be days, maybe just hours, when I didnt think I could...and didnt WANT to get through it. Wanted to stop it RIGHT now! Wanted to stop doing treatments and stop wasting these days with sickness... Wanted to even just feel like getting off the couch to play with the kids, rather than watch them play around me.
My husband has been amazing. He has changed his schedule so he is here more of the day and has the kids all night. He takes them with him to the gym after work and makes them supper. I thought this all would make him more stressed, but he doesnt seem to be. From my corner of the couch, I get to see Alayna and Paxon fall more in love with their daddy....and have determined that my kids are resilient and happy kids. I am proud of my family even more now.
Ok, its time I stop writing, and take a shower. I think I have wrote the gist of whats going on...and got this darn blog updated. (I have had several texts demanding an updated blog....so here it is, guys!!) I have treatment in less than 3 hours. If I shower now, I can do it before kids wake up.
Have a great Memorial Day Weekend!
Chemo is crazy, an up and down rollercoaster changing from moment to moment.
With the last treatment, I first lost my taste of food...not that I didnt WANT food. I still crave foods but once I get those foods, I am disappointed that they do not taste like I had hoped or remembered. Everything is very bland. However, I have noticed in the last few days, things have started to taste better....
The day after treatment and for a few days to follow, I got very red in my face, chest and arms. I felt like I was on fire and proceeded to check my temp every hour. I never had a temp, so I can only assume the treatments made my skin very sensitive to soaps or lotions. ( I have sensitive skin anyway)
I didnt have too bad of nausea. They gave me FOUR prescriptions for that....so I think I was covered.
What I really felt was...dumb. I felt really out of it, like I was elderly, really. I felt forgetful or like I didnt know how to do the simplest everyday tasks. (Thats hard for a control freak to handle :)) I had a hard time staying asleep or getting much sleep at all. I was only able to manage about 3-4 hours of sleep at night.
My eyes are very sensitive to light and I get massive headaches. The first week after chemo, I went to my doctor about a spot of staph infection that I had on my leg. That spot multiplied to 6 other spots on my body. I have been on antibiotic since that doctor visit and the littler spots all went away. The bigger one is lingering. But it doesnt hurt like it used to, so thats a good sign. (to me anyway)
This week, I started feeling better....more alive, more energy. I had a persistent cough for a few days which I called the nurse about, but she said if I didnt have a fever, she wasnt too worried about it. Well, it wasnt going away, and my chest even hurt each time I coughed. I was fearful of pneumonia, so I went to the walk in clinic here in Waverly. Xrays, and blood work later, the doctor told me I have strep throat. Grrr. That was Wednesday night.
Yesterday, Thursday, we had preschool graduation in the morning for Alexa. I decided to get out of my sweats and sloppy look and actually blowdry and straighten my hair. ( I have not done any of this since last treatment because they warn against using straightners, curling irons, etc...it would speed up the hair loss process, I guess) As I was straightening my hair, I ran my hand through it and looked down. In my hand was about twenty hairs. I yelled for Dan. He came running in and I held up my hand. Then I ran my other hand through my hair again, and AGAIN, another twenty hairs. Tears came to my eyes and Dan came in to put his hand on my back, to comfort me. But the back of my black tshirt was also covered in hair. In reality, it was Day 14. The doctors had said expect hair loss anywhere from day 10- day 14. Each morning, as I showered and did not lose significant hair, I thought "Man, I am doing good. Maybe I really wont lose my hair!" Wishful thinking. Throughout the day, I have lost significant hair. It has not come out in clumps. It just is extreme shedding. My head of hair feels lighter.
Im not sure quite what to do right now about the whole hair/ head thing. I feel like I am not ready to be bald, or shave it. I also think I will know when I am ready to go ahead and do that. Dan has been growing out his hair and waiting to cut it for when I did lose my hair. We are going to shave eachothers heads. (I think that deep down he is relieved this day has come, because his hair is very long and he is ready for a cut! :))
I have felt such up and downs these last two weeks and there were times, I couldnt imagine writing on here. For days, I felt so terrible, I felt like I was dying now to live later...without a real guarantee. I felt absolutely sure for a few days that I would NOT do another treatment. I didnt want to feel so miserable again. (I am a terrible baby when it comes to being sick, energy-less, headaches and just feeling off kilter drives me mad!) Then there were days when I would look out my front window and be reminded of how beautiful life is. (I also have an amazing view of the river. In the morning, as the sun hits the water, it seems to sparkle.) I have sat on my porch and just watched birds, wishing I had a bird book to identify each finch and sparrow. (Yes, this goes back to chemo brain...it ages you.... you start doing things elderly people, with a lot of time on their hands, do.) I have walked the kids down to the river to watch the fishers catch fish and let them look at the fish up close. I have taken a walk on the mud path in the woods while it was raining with Alayna.
Somedays you hate life, and the next, you appreciate it more than you would previously. Thats what chemo does to you. I have had several cancer survivors talk to me, offer their advice or stories but one thing each one repeated many times to me in our talks is the simple phrase, "You will get through this." I have heard that more than anything else, and as I sat here, wrapped up in my blanket, in the corner of my couch, I wondered if they knew there was gonna be days, maybe just hours, when I didnt think I could...and didnt WANT to get through it. Wanted to stop it RIGHT now! Wanted to stop doing treatments and stop wasting these days with sickness... Wanted to even just feel like getting off the couch to play with the kids, rather than watch them play around me.
My husband has been amazing. He has changed his schedule so he is here more of the day and has the kids all night. He takes them with him to the gym after work and makes them supper. I thought this all would make him more stressed, but he doesnt seem to be. From my corner of the couch, I get to see Alayna and Paxon fall more in love with their daddy....and have determined that my kids are resilient and happy kids. I am proud of my family even more now.
Ok, its time I stop writing, and take a shower. I think I have wrote the gist of whats going on...and got this darn blog updated. (I have had several texts demanding an updated blog....so here it is, guys!!) I have treatment in less than 3 hours. If I shower now, I can do it before kids wake up.
Have a great Memorial Day Weekend!
Friday, May 13, 2011
May 13th 2011- Friday the 13th! :(
My first treatment was this morning.
I am feeling just strange really, I dont even know how to describe it. I am not nauseous. My eyes hurt/sting. I feel a little weaker. I was really excited to eat really well tonight because I was told that tomorrow, and going forward, I would have no appetite. We got done around one and went to Applebees. I ordered an appetizer, bourbon shrimp and chicken and a chocolate meltdown cake. I couldnt taste any of it. You dont know how much that depressed me. I can tell what things are by the texture, but I literally couldnt taste things very much. They had a hint of taste to them but overall, everything was very bland. That is disappointing to a girl who loves good (and not-so-good) food!
I have to go to the Waverly Hospital for a shot tomorrow to help the bone marrow regenerate.
Its really a taxing, exhausting ordeal. I cant wait til October. I feel like I am living for that month. After all this, I have a long list of TO-DOS, that include getting a breast cancer ribbon tattoo, going to Vegas and adopting a baby (well, not soo baby, maybe toddler) boy and helping with the American Cancer Society.
Dan has taken all the kids to the gym with him...so it is my turn to "nap". I am gonna try to do that.
I am feeling just strange really, I dont even know how to describe it. I am not nauseous. My eyes hurt/sting. I feel a little weaker. I was really excited to eat really well tonight because I was told that tomorrow, and going forward, I would have no appetite. We got done around one and went to Applebees. I ordered an appetizer, bourbon shrimp and chicken and a chocolate meltdown cake. I couldnt taste any of it. You dont know how much that depressed me. I can tell what things are by the texture, but I literally couldnt taste things very much. They had a hint of taste to them but overall, everything was very bland. That is disappointing to a girl who loves good (and not-so-good) food!
I have to go to the Waverly Hospital for a shot tomorrow to help the bone marrow regenerate.
Its really a taxing, exhausting ordeal. I cant wait til October. I feel like I am living for that month. After all this, I have a long list of TO-DOS, that include getting a breast cancer ribbon tattoo, going to Vegas and adopting a baby (well, not soo baby, maybe toddler) boy and helping with the American Cancer Society.
Dan has taken all the kids to the gym with him...so it is my turn to "nap". I am gonna try to do that.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
May 10th 2011
Struggling these last few days...
Since church Sunday, I have been thinking very hard about my chemo treatments. I wonder if I am truly trusting in God....if I am putting my life in His hands...or am I putting my life in my doctor's hands? I just feel uneasy about it all.
We all die. Our days are numbered and only God knows that magic number for me. He will take me when I am intended to go. So, I wonder about this whole chemo thing...am I trying to change what God has planned for me? Am I trying to determine my fate, rather than just entrusting Him with it??
Truly, obviously, I do not WANT my life to be limited....and OF COURSE, I want to be here as much for my children as possible.
I just cant answer the question as to "Why did I get cancer?" Was it to take my life? Or was it to make me a fighter?
I know, this blog is heavy...maybe even annoying to some of you who are thinking "Duh, do the chemo, dont be an idiot....take the health care provided!"
I just dont feel one hundred percent....and its truly not about losing my hair or getting sick. I can deal with all those things, even if I dont want to.
Since church Sunday, I have been thinking very hard about my chemo treatments. I wonder if I am truly trusting in God....if I am putting my life in His hands...or am I putting my life in my doctor's hands? I just feel uneasy about it all.
We all die. Our days are numbered and only God knows that magic number for me. He will take me when I am intended to go. So, I wonder about this whole chemo thing...am I trying to change what God has planned for me? Am I trying to determine my fate, rather than just entrusting Him with it??
Truly, obviously, I do not WANT my life to be limited....and OF COURSE, I want to be here as much for my children as possible.
I just cant answer the question as to "Why did I get cancer?" Was it to take my life? Or was it to make me a fighter?
I know, this blog is heavy...maybe even annoying to some of you who are thinking "Duh, do the chemo, dont be an idiot....take the health care provided!"
I just dont feel one hundred percent....and its truly not about losing my hair or getting sick. I can deal with all those things, even if I dont want to.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
May 5th 2011
Cinco de Mayo- but no margarita for me! :)
Yesterday, I had my second expansion in West Des Moines with Dr. Reece. I brought Alayna and we went out to eat with my friend, Ashley and Alaynas boyfriend, Ashley's three year old son, Braiden. They were super cute together...and Alayna was asleep before we even left Des Moines.
Today, I had outpatient surgery to place a port next to my collarbone. The port will be used with chemo treatments so that they do not need to find a vein each time and poke me several time, trying to find my veins. (Today, they had to poke me twice to get the IV in for surgery and two times to find the vein to draw blood at the Cancer Center.) I honestly didnt really know what to expect today, and didnt even know what the port would look like. It looks like a small bell. I was told that I might not be totally out of it, and maybe could hear them talking....but not me! I was totally out! I had to have x-rays done afterwards and then was released.
I went directly over to the Cancer Center, to my appointment with Dr. Singh. We discussed the treatment again. My first chemo treatment will be next Friday, the 13th. (Thats not freaky at all, is it?? Friday the 13th!!) I will go at 8 in the morning. It should take 2 hours. Saturday, I will need to go to Waverly Hospital for a shot that will help bone marrow regenerate, since the drug used for chemo will kill bone marrow cells.
I think its not really needed to say that I dont love that I have to go through this. Im still not ok with it. I was reading the side effects of the drugs I will be recieving and they all cause infertility. Thats the most unsettling part for me. I am blessed with two amazing biological children, but it is terribly hard for me to accept that I will not be able to have anymore biological children in the future if I wanted to. If it was my choice to not have any more children, that is a different thing...but I dont even get that choice.
Thats really the hard part for me now...
And losing my hair isnt amazing either...but that is reversable.
ok, theres me today!
Yesterday, I had my second expansion in West Des Moines with Dr. Reece. I brought Alayna and we went out to eat with my friend, Ashley and Alaynas boyfriend, Ashley's three year old son, Braiden. They were super cute together...and Alayna was asleep before we even left Des Moines.
Today, I had outpatient surgery to place a port next to my collarbone. The port will be used with chemo treatments so that they do not need to find a vein each time and poke me several time, trying to find my veins. (Today, they had to poke me twice to get the IV in for surgery and two times to find the vein to draw blood at the Cancer Center.) I honestly didnt really know what to expect today, and didnt even know what the port would look like. It looks like a small bell. I was told that I might not be totally out of it, and maybe could hear them talking....but not me! I was totally out! I had to have x-rays done afterwards and then was released.
I went directly over to the Cancer Center, to my appointment with Dr. Singh. We discussed the treatment again. My first chemo treatment will be next Friday, the 13th. (Thats not freaky at all, is it?? Friday the 13th!!) I will go at 8 in the morning. It should take 2 hours. Saturday, I will need to go to Waverly Hospital for a shot that will help bone marrow regenerate, since the drug used for chemo will kill bone marrow cells.
I think its not really needed to say that I dont love that I have to go through this. Im still not ok with it. I was reading the side effects of the drugs I will be recieving and they all cause infertility. Thats the most unsettling part for me. I am blessed with two amazing biological children, but it is terribly hard for me to accept that I will not be able to have anymore biological children in the future if I wanted to. If it was my choice to not have any more children, that is a different thing...but I dont even get that choice.
Thats really the hard part for me now...
And losing my hair isnt amazing either...but that is reversable.
ok, theres me today!
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