Im attempting to write on here this morning because it has been two (hellish) weeks since I wrote in here and this morning I go to my second round of treatment and after that, I know I wont feel up to it for awhile.
Chemo is crazy, an up and down rollercoaster changing from moment to moment.
With the last treatment, I first lost my taste of food...not that I didnt WANT food. I still crave foods but once I get those foods, I am disappointed that they do not taste like I had hoped or remembered. Everything is very bland. However, I have noticed in the last few days, things have started to taste better....
The day after treatment and for a few days to follow, I got very red in my face, chest and arms. I felt like I was on fire and proceeded to check my temp every hour. I never had a temp, so I can only assume the treatments made my skin very sensitive to soaps or lotions. ( I have sensitive skin anyway)
I didnt have too bad of nausea. They gave me FOUR prescriptions for that....so I think I was covered.
What I really felt was...dumb. I felt really out of it, like I was elderly, really. I felt forgetful or like I didnt know how to do the simplest everyday tasks. (Thats hard for a control freak to handle :)) I had a hard time staying asleep or getting much sleep at all. I was only able to manage about 3-4 hours of sleep at night.
My eyes are very sensitive to light and I get massive headaches. The first week after chemo, I went to my doctor about a spot of staph infection that I had on my leg. That spot multiplied to 6 other spots on my body. I have been on antibiotic since that doctor visit and the littler spots all went away. The bigger one is lingering. But it doesnt hurt like it used to, so thats a good sign. (to me anyway)
This week, I started feeling better....more alive, more energy. I had a persistent cough for a few days which I called the nurse about, but she said if I didnt have a fever, she wasnt too worried about it. Well, it wasnt going away, and my chest even hurt each time I coughed. I was fearful of pneumonia, so I went to the walk in clinic here in Waverly. Xrays, and blood work later, the doctor told me I have strep throat. Grrr. That was Wednesday night.
Yesterday, Thursday, we had preschool graduation in the morning for Alexa. I decided to get out of my sweats and sloppy look and actually blowdry and straighten my hair. ( I have not done any of this since last treatment because they warn against using straightners, curling irons, etc...it would speed up the hair loss process, I guess) As I was straightening my hair, I ran my hand through it and looked down. In my hand was about twenty hairs. I yelled for Dan. He came running in and I held up my hand. Then I ran my other hand through my hair again, and AGAIN, another twenty hairs. Tears came to my eyes and Dan came in to put his hand on my back, to comfort me. But the back of my black tshirt was also covered in hair. In reality, it was Day 14. The doctors had said expect hair loss anywhere from day 10- day 14. Each morning, as I showered and did not lose significant hair, I thought "Man, I am doing good. Maybe I really wont lose my hair!" Wishful thinking. Throughout the day, I have lost significant hair. It has not come out in clumps. It just is extreme shedding. My head of hair feels lighter.
Im not sure quite what to do right now about the whole hair/ head thing. I feel like I am not ready to be bald, or shave it. I also think I will know when I am ready to go ahead and do that. Dan has been growing out his hair and waiting to cut it for when I did lose my hair. We are going to shave eachothers heads. (I think that deep down he is relieved this day has come, because his hair is very long and he is ready for a cut! :))
I have felt such up and downs these last two weeks and there were times, I couldnt imagine writing on here. For days, I felt so terrible, I felt like I was dying now to live later...without a real guarantee. I felt absolutely sure for a few days that I would NOT do another treatment. I didnt want to feel so miserable again. (I am a terrible baby when it comes to being sick, energy-less, headaches and just feeling off kilter drives me mad!) Then there were days when I would look out my front window and be reminded of how beautiful life is. (I also have an amazing view of the river. In the morning, as the sun hits the water, it seems to sparkle.) I have sat on my porch and just watched birds, wishing I had a bird book to identify each finch and sparrow. (Yes, this goes back to chemo brain...it ages you.... you start doing things elderly people, with a lot of time on their hands, do.) I have walked the kids down to the river to watch the fishers catch fish and let them look at the fish up close. I have taken a walk on the mud path in the woods while it was raining with Alayna.
Somedays you hate life, and the next, you appreciate it more than you would previously. Thats what chemo does to you. I have had several cancer survivors talk to me, offer their advice or stories but one thing each one repeated many times to me in our talks is the simple phrase, "You will get through this." I have heard that more than anything else, and as I sat here, wrapped up in my blanket, in the corner of my couch, I wondered if they knew there was gonna be days, maybe just hours, when I didnt think I could...and didnt WANT to get through it. Wanted to stop it RIGHT now! Wanted to stop doing treatments and stop wasting these days with sickness... Wanted to even just feel like getting off the couch to play with the kids, rather than watch them play around me.
My husband has been amazing. He has changed his schedule so he is here more of the day and has the kids all night. He takes them with him to the gym after work and makes them supper. I thought this all would make him more stressed, but he doesnt seem to be. From my corner of the couch, I get to see Alayna and Paxon fall more in love with their daddy....and have determined that my kids are resilient and happy kids. I am proud of my family even more now.
Ok, its time I stop writing, and take a shower. I think I have wrote the gist of whats going on...and got this darn blog updated. (I have had several texts demanding an updated blog....so here it is, guys!!) I have treatment in less than 3 hours. If I shower now, I can do it before kids wake up.
Have a great Memorial Day Weekend!
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