March 5th

Tuesday I had a MRI. It was a little nerve racking, lying in that LOUD machine without moving for a half hour. When they administered the dye, I felt nausous for about 45 seconds, and my thoughts were "Oh no! Im gonna throw up all over myself!" But it quickly went away.
The results were sent to Cedar Rapids to be read and they were supposed to take 2 days to get back.
Wednesday afternoon, Niki, my nurse at Dr. Duvens office called with the results. The MRI showed that it doesnt appear to have spread to my lymph nodes. (ALLELUIA!) But testing that they ran at the time of the biopsy whether or not my cancer is reactive to the female hormones, estrogen and progesterone came back very positive. What this means, she explained, is that I will need hormonal treatments while taking chemo and this will essentially cause me to go into menopause. Also, we may consider removing my ovaries to prevent from ovarian cancer.
So, my dreams of another baby, biologically, are over. Its sad to know that. I know that it may not have happened again without the cancer, but the certainty that I will not be pregnant again, is sad.
Of course, I am very very blessed with the children that I do have. God does work in miraculous, intentional ways. Alayna was not planned by us, and Paxon came only 14 months after Alayna. I know most people probably thought we were crazy having kids so quickly and so close together. I am soo thankful that we did. Without kids now, I would be a DISASTER. My life purpose has always been to be a mom. Its all that I dreamed of being when I "grew up" so I am very lucky for my babies.
Thursday, Dan, my mom and I met with Dr Duven to discuss the MRI and what my options are. I also did a quick genetic testing to see if I carried the gene that causes cancer.
My options now are:
Lumpectomy: Just removing the area where the cancer is right now. That would be followed by radiation therapy and chemotherapy and the hormonal therapy.
Mastectomy on just my left side: Removing my left breast all together. Followed by chemotherapy and hormonal therapy.
Double (bilateral) mastectomy: Removing both breasts. Followed by chemo and hormonal therapy. This will be recommended if genetic tests come back positive.
With the mastectomy, I can get reconstructive surgery. They will never look the same. And it will be weird. But really, the whole situation is strange and will be to me (and my family) for quite awhile.
Everyone asks how Im doing. Im doing ok. Really the first day, just getting the news, was the hardest. Now I just need to do what I need to to get rid of it and deal with it. Ive been so busy with work, doctor visits (4 this week!) and my kids that I havent had time to sit and feel bad for myself. Yes, Im gonna potentially lose my breasts, but really I lost the beauty of them after breast feeding. :) I understand Im not gonna like how my chest looks for the rest of my life...and I am deep down concerned of how Dan will view my body. I think that is normal. Yes, Im gonna lose my hair, probably even my eyebrows. I will look weird. But everyone who is anyone in my life will understand and still (hopefully) love me. And it will grow back.
I am concerned about how Dan is. He is so quiet. I think hes taking it harder than me. Also, he is scared to talk to me about his fears. He doesnt want to scare me.
I am scared of how this will affect my kids, so I need the rest of my family to be really strong for THEM. We need to explain to them how Mommy will be sick, how I will lose my hair bc of the medicine the doctors are using to make me better, and how I am going to be better someday. It will be very hard for me, on that end....that I wont be able to physically take care of my kids when I have treatments or surgery. I got online this morning and bought some books specifically for children that helps explain whats going on with Mommy. (I couldnt sleep, thinking about what I should do to help them) Last night, I tied a pillowcase around my head (it was pink so it looked gorgeous) to show Alexa what I would look like. She thought it was funny. I wore it most of the night. Alexa wanted one too.
Next step right now is just get the genetic testing back and go from there. My surgery is still set up for March 17th but depending on what we decide, it may be changed a little bit.
All I need now is prayers and I know we are getting a lot of those. Its hard for me to pray right now. I can pray for others, but I havent been able to yet about this diagnosis.
I have a lot of support and am thankful for that. I do feel very loved. I guess something like this helps you realize that.