A scary night

Im awake right now, at 11:15 pm.  For the last year, and especially last 4 months, I have been sipping my Bedtime tea as soon as (or sometimes before) Alayna and Pax get put to bed.
With our littlest one here, I haven't had good sleep for a long time.  And I LOVE sleep.

Tonight, I am not sure I will get any sleep.

You see, I have had this rash on my breast for about 3 weeks.  It hasn't changed much. It doesn't itch.
But it does have the appearance of an orange peel.

And tonight is the first night I decided I should google "rash on breast."
Google find: Inflammatory breast cancer.  Better yet, low survival rate.  Median time: 20 months.

I have been uncontrollably shaking.  By the looks of me, I could be in a bikini in Antarctica.
I will be praying.
But for now, I am blogging.

I came back to this page.

Because living day by day, isn't just when you are fighting cancer.  It is every day after.  Its every headache.  Every chest pain.  Every time you get cramps.  And while that can sound silly, it is a reality for almost every cancer survivor, I can bet.

Life has changed since I had cancer last.

I have two more beautiful and young children.  Alayna and Paxon have grown up and are learning new things everyday.  Alayna already takes a mini-mom role in our home with her littler siblings.
I can't imagine what I will be responsible for if I leave her now, or even in the next year.
She will try to assume the mom role.  And thats not fair to a small child.

She is so beautiful.  So caring.  So loving.

Pax is connected to God, in ways I can't understand.  I don't want that to change.  He's wild and beautiful.  Sensitive and short tempered.

Gia is beginning to say so many new things, make fake expressions, and throw wild tantrums.  She is also a beautiful young girl whom I have loved since I laid eyes on her.

And then there is Phoenix.  My child who is destined to rise above the ashes.  My little piece of heaven in baby form right now.  He smiles every time he sees my face.  And I delight in the thought of having a mamas boy.

I honestly can NOT imagine leaving Dan with the responsibilities of 4 small children.

But tonight I am scared.  I am afraid of cancer returning....the possibility that it is spreading through my body.

Tomorrow I will wake and count the minutes until I can call the doctors office.  I will get in where I can, and I will demand a biopsy tomorrow.

And then I will wait a few more days.  Sick.  Shaking.  Praying. And loving on my family.

And then I will blog again.