We are in Branson on a family vacation! I wish I could say it is relaxing...but we have three kids under 4, so its really not, but at least its been fun, for the most part.
I havent written on here for quite awhile because I havent found the words to say...and really I still havent been able to put accurately into words the way that I feel. On June 25th, my friends and family threw a benefit for me at the Waverly Country Club. So many people were there and even some I didnt recognize. It was extremely overwhelming and amazing that so many people were and are there to support me. Its also very hard for me to accept. I have a hard time allowing people to help me (watching my kids, paying for expenses, making us dinners...). I have been helped soo much in the last four months with dinners brought to our home by church members and family members, with hundreds lifting me and my family up in prayer, with family watching our kids when I have chemo or surgery or doctor appointments, and by this benefit. I have recieved many cards of encouragement and support that have caught me off guard and several that have made me cry.
Several people, my nearly lifelong friend, Stacy Doughan, my friend Stephanie Boecker, my new friend, Nichole Jones, my mom, my sister in law, Gena, my aunt Ruth Mick and many others put a lot of time, effort and sweat into putting this benefit on for me. I really appreciate their work and all the donors and people who attended. Nearly all my family was there and I was able to have some fun while my kids were running around and others were keeping an eye on them. The best part was that it was a great day for me, health-wise. I seemed to have a lot of energy and was able to speak to most that were there. Although I dreaded a night with so much attention on me, I was able to relax and actually enjoy it all.
The whole night was bittersweet because it also fell on my Grandma Micks birthday. The girls didnt know this when planning the event, it just so happened that this was the only night available. For those who dont know, my Grandma passed away from cancer in 2007. She first had breast cancer, had a mastectomy, then the cancer spread to her liver and colon. She fought a long battle and I watched as the cancer take her slowly, and cruelly. Grandma was the strongest woman I have known, while fighting for her life. And she also had a very strong faith for Jesus...and accepted her fate and was ready when He took her home with Him to heaven.
Since being diagnosed with cancer, I have missed her more and more. I wish she was here so I could ask her questions and talk with her about whats going on with me. I ask Dad regularly things that start with "Do you remember when Grandma had...." You can fill those blanks in with "chemo", "her mastectomy" most often. She is buried less than 4 blocks from my home and I walk up there often to talk to her. My Grandmas favorite color was pink, a little ironic, I know. And even though she had four boys, she kept true to her feminine side and wore pink as much as she could.
I felt very much like Grandma was there with us at the benefit, how happy she would have been to have the family all together. I loved it that we were all together on her actual birthday.
I am very blessed for the people I have in my life, all the people who arent in my life but helped out when they heard about my story, and I am blessed with the people that I have had in my life, who are now gone.
ok...gotta jump in the shower, and get going with the vacation thing...kids are depending on me. :)
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
June 14th 2011
I heard this song for the first time called "When Pink is Just a Color Again" this week. And I got to thinking about how much PINK has become my life. Pink used to symbolize Victorias Secret or baby girls. Now it really means a war on breast cancer...or surviving breast cancer...or loving someone with breast cancer. To me, it sometimes means trying to be feminine after youve had your breasts removed and you are bald from chemo! :)
I hold a special place in my heart for vehicles that pass me on the highway with a pink ribbon on their back window. My heart races for a minute..and I wonder about how breast cancer has affected that particular driver.
My girls sleep everynight with a pink blanket that my sister gave them and in the corner there is a pink ribbon. Each girl struggles to find that ribbon before going to bed, holding it. They both say that pink ribbon will "make Mommy better" and so they fall asleep with that little part of the blanket up near them, usually in their hands. When they see pink ribbons, they shout and point them out. At that tiny little age, I never gave one thought to illness. I certainly didnt know what cancer was, or what a ribbon represented. It touches me deeply how they both hold that ribbon so tight because they think that small little pink loop will make me better some day...and help my hair grow, Alexa says.
Pink will never be just a color for me since my diagnosis. And I dont think it will for my girls...Or anyone affected by cancer. It becomes something more...It becomes HOPE.
Here is that song; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QKxsiRYC9Q
I hold a special place in my heart for vehicles that pass me on the highway with a pink ribbon on their back window. My heart races for a minute..and I wonder about how breast cancer has affected that particular driver.
My girls sleep everynight with a pink blanket that my sister gave them and in the corner there is a pink ribbon. Each girl struggles to find that ribbon before going to bed, holding it. They both say that pink ribbon will "make Mommy better" and so they fall asleep with that little part of the blanket up near them, usually in their hands. When they see pink ribbons, they shout and point them out. At that tiny little age, I never gave one thought to illness. I certainly didnt know what cancer was, or what a ribbon represented. It touches me deeply how they both hold that ribbon so tight because they think that small little pink loop will make me better some day...and help my hair grow, Alexa says.
Pink will never be just a color for me since my diagnosis. And I dont think it will for my girls...Or anyone affected by cancer. It becomes something more...It becomes HOPE.
Here is that song; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QKxsiRYC9Q
Friday, June 10, 2011
June 10th, 2011
Something just dawned on me today. Seriously. Just today.
I just got to thinking about WHAT IF...I hadnt found this lump in February?? It is soo amazing that I did, when I did. I dont think I have ever explained on this blog how, exactly, that it came to be that we found this lump. I did not find it by self examination. I never gave one thought to self exams. Good God, I was 27...with no worries in the world besides what I was gonna make (quickly) for dinner or how much dirt I need to quickly sweep under the rug when someone gave me last minute notice of a visit to our house. :)
I had a three year old step daughter, a two year old daughter and just one year old son. But I had been dreaming of adding to our family. I had it in my mind that I just wanted one more son...NOT another girl, but I guess, I was willing to take my chances. After months and months of begging Dan and trying to rationalize why having one more (male) baby would be good to do NOW, rather than wait a few years..(hand me downs will still be accessible, Paxon could have a BOY to play with, they all can be in diapers at same time, and will all be out of the house and kicked out to college at same time...all were my strong fighting points) You need to know Dan. He always thinks things out and is always too rational and logical in making decisions for me. I can not believe it, even to this day, but after months of me begging, Dan agreed to trying for one more ("But that is IT!") I jumped on the first chance I got and made an appointment to have my IUD removed...
That is where my mid-wife found a lump. But even she was not overly concerned and wasnt 100% pushing me to have a mammogram, but we made an appointment anyway. I believe that if it wasnt for my history of cancer (my Grandma Mick had breast cancer in her 80s) she maybe wouldnt have even made an appointment to have it checked.
I would never have thought anything of a lump. I had recently had kids and had breastfed. Any lumps I felt, I would have just wrote off as milk glands, or something of that nature.
Anyway, that is how I found out I had cancer. A simple routine check after going to the doctor in hopes to soon get pregnant again. Wow. What a different path I suddenly had to take.
But anyway, going back to what just dawned on me today. WHAT IF Dan had not agreed to let us try for just one more? I wouldnt have been in to the doctor for probably another year. And by that time, it would have been much, much worse. With what I know now, I know it would have spread... I cant imagine. I could be turning 30 and facing death. That is totally overwhelming. Its making me cry to think of how horrible that could have been...How randomly, and coincidently God saved me when I walked into that doctors office for such a different purpose.
I know. Its three months after those words "it did come back as being cancer" and I have never thought of "Oh my gosh, I could have died."
When you have cancer (and know it) you live day by day...sometimes hour to hour. But I have never thought about the possibility of dying until today. I am overwhelmed at how close that could have been. Just a year or two maybe. Wow. I am very blessed.
I just got to thinking about WHAT IF...I hadnt found this lump in February?? It is soo amazing that I did, when I did. I dont think I have ever explained on this blog how, exactly, that it came to be that we found this lump. I did not find it by self examination. I never gave one thought to self exams. Good God, I was 27...with no worries in the world besides what I was gonna make (quickly) for dinner or how much dirt I need to quickly sweep under the rug when someone gave me last minute notice of a visit to our house. :)
I had a three year old step daughter, a two year old daughter and just one year old son. But I had been dreaming of adding to our family. I had it in my mind that I just wanted one more son...NOT another girl, but I guess, I was willing to take my chances. After months and months of begging Dan and trying to rationalize why having one more (male) baby would be good to do NOW, rather than wait a few years..(hand me downs will still be accessible, Paxon could have a BOY to play with, they all can be in diapers at same time, and will all be out of the house and kicked out to college at same time...all were my strong fighting points) You need to know Dan. He always thinks things out and is always too rational and logical in making decisions for me. I can not believe it, even to this day, but after months of me begging, Dan agreed to trying for one more ("But that is IT!") I jumped on the first chance I got and made an appointment to have my IUD removed...
That is where my mid-wife found a lump. But even she was not overly concerned and wasnt 100% pushing me to have a mammogram, but we made an appointment anyway. I believe that if it wasnt for my history of cancer (my Grandma Mick had breast cancer in her 80s) she maybe wouldnt have even made an appointment to have it checked.
I would never have thought anything of a lump. I had recently had kids and had breastfed. Any lumps I felt, I would have just wrote off as milk glands, or something of that nature.
Anyway, that is how I found out I had cancer. A simple routine check after going to the doctor in hopes to soon get pregnant again. Wow. What a different path I suddenly had to take.
But anyway, going back to what just dawned on me today. WHAT IF Dan had not agreed to let us try for just one more? I wouldnt have been in to the doctor for probably another year. And by that time, it would have been much, much worse. With what I know now, I know it would have spread... I cant imagine. I could be turning 30 and facing death. That is totally overwhelming. Its making me cry to think of how horrible that could have been...How randomly, and coincidently God saved me when I walked into that doctors office for such a different purpose.
I know. Its three months after those words "it did come back as being cancer" and I have never thought of "Oh my gosh, I could have died."
When you have cancer (and know it) you live day by day...sometimes hour to hour. But I have never thought about the possibility of dying until today. I am overwhelmed at how close that could have been. Just a year or two maybe. Wow. I am very blessed.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
June 8th 2011
Well, I am almost a week out from another round of chemo. I havent been that sick this time...I think it has a TON to do with the fact that I dont have staph or strep throat this time around. I think those things kinda did me in last round. More than anything, I am exhausted and always uncomfortably hot.
My kids wear me out so easily and I find that I dont have as much patience as I typically do.
However, I still feel blessed for small things...I think about those things often..Like, I am very grateful that my kids are actually so young and dont know the difference, or the social stigma, of me not having hair. I am glad that they dont know yet to feel embarrassed of how I look. Right now, its funny for them to run their hands on my head and laugh, saying that it tickles! If they were older and I felt like they were embarrassed of me, I would be heartbroken.
Im not gonna lie, its hard to see people drive by when I am sitting on my front porch without my wig, and see them take a double take...like its so strange to see a girl with a bald head. (And yes, a few times this week, I have gone out without a wig because its been soooo hot!)
Other things, I am blessed to have had my sister stay with me for five days and sit and talk with me, and also FORCE me to clean, sort and box up baby clothes for a garage sale this week. Its sad that I am getting rid of some of their clothes...but also absolutely necessary. I always was holding on to the clothes for that in-case-we-get-pregnant- again baby. Now there is a finitive reason to just get rid of them.
Im blessed with absolutely great friends. People who are always there to talk if I need it and check in on me when they know I have another appointment or something going on. Friends who are a constant support. Its kinda humbling, really. It sucks that I had to get cancer, but I do truly, honestly feel very loved.
OK, well, this blog is hard to write today, because Daisy likes to attack my fingers as I type. I dont have a whole lot more to say. I feel pretty decent this week.
My kids wear me out so easily and I find that I dont have as much patience as I typically do.
However, I still feel blessed for small things...I think about those things often..Like, I am very grateful that my kids are actually so young and dont know the difference, or the social stigma, of me not having hair. I am glad that they dont know yet to feel embarrassed of how I look. Right now, its funny for them to run their hands on my head and laugh, saying that it tickles! If they were older and I felt like they were embarrassed of me, I would be heartbroken.
Im not gonna lie, its hard to see people drive by when I am sitting on my front porch without my wig, and see them take a double take...like its so strange to see a girl with a bald head. (And yes, a few times this week, I have gone out without a wig because its been soooo hot!)
Other things, I am blessed to have had my sister stay with me for five days and sit and talk with me, and also FORCE me to clean, sort and box up baby clothes for a garage sale this week. Its sad that I am getting rid of some of their clothes...but also absolutely necessary. I always was holding on to the clothes for that in-case-we-get-pregnant- again baby. Now there is a finitive reason to just get rid of them.
Im blessed with absolutely great friends. People who are always there to talk if I need it and check in on me when they know I have another appointment or something going on. Friends who are a constant support. Its kinda humbling, really. It sucks that I had to get cancer, but I do truly, honestly feel very loved.
OK, well, this blog is hard to write today, because Daisy likes to attack my fingers as I type. I dont have a whole lot more to say. I feel pretty decent this week.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
June 5th 2011
Meet Miss Daisy! Today is Alexas 4th birthday and what she wanted was a kitty. (I may have gotten the idea into her head!) We found this little baby at a farm in Shell Rock and she joined our family yesterday in time for Alexas birthday! It took almost all day to figure out her name since the kids' suggestions were Rapunzel, Tinkerbell and Ka-Chow! I am pleased with Daisy!I think she will be a joyful distraction for me and the kids while we are going through the chemo process! And who cant use some more joy??!! :)
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
May 31st 2011
Have you been waiting to hear about my baldness??
Well, its time. I am now bald...and wearing my wig!
Dan and I, with help from Dans sister, Gena, shaved each others heads yesterday after four days of my hair falling out more and more each day. I thought I was ready because I was so annoyed with finding hair EVERYWHERE in our house. But when the first CHUNK of hair was cut off, I lost it.
And then we were all crying.
So anyway, my hair is gone. Its kinda humiliating...Im not used to it. Today, when I went to my dr appointment at the Center of Infectious Diseases, I wore my wig and a hat.
My appointment went fine. No indication that there is staph in my blood. They gave me another prescription for an antibiotic and a wash for my body (and for the bodies of my family...bc they can have staph on their skin as well) and told me I am fine to have chemo this week. Yay!
I will post pics when I become more secure about it...not ready yet...
But thats the story today!!
Well, its time. I am now bald...and wearing my wig!
Dan and I, with help from Dans sister, Gena, shaved each others heads yesterday after four days of my hair falling out more and more each day. I thought I was ready because I was so annoyed with finding hair EVERYWHERE in our house. But when the first CHUNK of hair was cut off, I lost it.
And then we were all crying.
So anyway, my hair is gone. Its kinda humiliating...Im not used to it. Today, when I went to my dr appointment at the Center of Infectious Diseases, I wore my wig and a hat.
My appointment went fine. No indication that there is staph in my blood. They gave me another prescription for an antibiotic and a wash for my body (and for the bodies of my family...bc they can have staph on their skin as well) and told me I am fine to have chemo this week. Yay!
I will post pics when I become more secure about it...not ready yet...
But thats the story today!!
Friday, May 27, 2011
May 27th 2011 part two
So...I didnt have chemo today. When I went to see the doctor, my white blood count and platelet count was fine but when I showed him my one spot of staph on my leg, Dr. Singh was concerned. He explained that if he gave me chemo again, and the staph got into my blood, it could be fatal.
So, I was sent to my breast care doctors office to have the spot lanced, or cut open to drain and to have a culture done on it. Tuesday, I have to go to an appointment at Allen at the Center of Infectious Diseases. I am not sure who is testing to see if it has entered my blood. Maybe Dr. Singhs office will use the blood they took from me today.
Tuesday they will try to determine a good mix of drugs to fight the staph while doing chemo. If my blood is all fine, I will have treatment next Friday.
Anyway, I am thankful that I have the holiday weekend, chemo-free....and potentially will have energy to have a fun weekend! :)
On the other hand, I now have to buy a new planner...and start over again working on my schedule....(I am only kinda kidding!:))
So, I was sent to my breast care doctors office to have the spot lanced, or cut open to drain and to have a culture done on it. Tuesday, I have to go to an appointment at Allen at the Center of Infectious Diseases. I am not sure who is testing to see if it has entered my blood. Maybe Dr. Singhs office will use the blood they took from me today.
Tuesday they will try to determine a good mix of drugs to fight the staph while doing chemo. If my blood is all fine, I will have treatment next Friday.
Anyway, I am thankful that I have the holiday weekend, chemo-free....and potentially will have energy to have a fun weekend! :)
On the other hand, I now have to buy a new planner...and start over again working on my schedule....(I am only kinda kidding!:))
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