I read an article in REAL SIMPLE this week about a woman with breast cancer. It was eery to read. Things that she has gone thru sounded and felt so much like my own experience.
One thing the author said, after she had starting getting exhausted with the experience, which I think is the stage I am in lately, is that she got really sick of being the one that makes others feel like their lives are blessed. That is EXACTLY how I have felt lately. I am tired of feeling like people meet me or talk to me, and walk away later and discuss how blessed their lives are in comparison to mine. And I know people do this. I would have done this after talking to a cancer patient if it had been a year ago...
Less than three weeks and I am back to "normal"...whatever that is. I dont think things will ever be the same, but Im sure I will create a new "normal." I cant wait to look normal so that people cant easily distinguish me as sick...
Dont get me wrong, I am glad that people have the opportunity to sit and examine their lives for a moment and realize how good they have it. But I still feel like, in general, I am blessed too. (Have you seen my ADORABLE kids and hunky husband???)
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
September 22 2011
Its been awhile since I really wrote on here...so I am attempting.
I am on the home stretch. I have 4 more weekly chemo treatments left. That means roughly 45 days before my head is less shiny, and has a little bit of stubble...About 45 days till I need to start shaving my legs more than once a month (well...this is still questionable! ha!). I should be excited, but I am drained. These last four weeks feel like they should already be over. Im kinda at my wits end with the whole ordeal. Im tired of being tired.
Generally, I am very good about keeping the end in sight. With most everything, I always see a problem as a temporary issue and work on an immediate solution. With other issues in our lives, I think "We will get thru this" and just keep plugging along. And for the last 7 months I have been doing that, but its getting old. :(
Heres what is new: I am a regular ol four eyes now! Yep, I have glasses. The chemo has changed my eyesight, which is fairly normal, and after chemo is over, I have been told my sight might change more or go back to before. I have had a ton of issues with my eyes. I have had eye einfections and I have chronic dry eyes. Gritty, red, itchy, achy eyes. Just about every day. I sleep with the humidifier right next to me by the bed and an eye mask on...I convince myself that is supposed to help. But who knows? I have lost most of my eyelashes so that cuts down on the protection from stuff getting in my eyes. Also, I have been having to "draw" on my eyebrows a lot more lately.
I have been back to work for a little over two weeks. Its not hard work but it wears me out. Just the absence of my daily naps. :) There were a few nights in the last weeks that I have laid down in my bed with Alayna on one side, Paxon on the other and passed out as soon as the lights went out. I know the kids probably jumped on the bed, fought eachother or just sat talking for awhile, but I didnt hear any of it! When I woke up later in the night, and they were sleeping in totally different spots, I was slightly confused. But more worried about where exactly my husband was... I found him sleeping in Alaynas bed. When he had come to bed, he had thought we were "too cute" to move either kid to their beds. So in result, I had feet in my back AND stomache. :)
This last week has been a tough one emotionally. I lost a friend this week. I met her at the cancer center and she had chemo every Friday with me. We shared hours together every week since May. I knew from her about her family, about her old work, about her dreams for when she kicked the cancer. One week and a half ago, on Friday, she didnt come back to the "chemo" room after I saw her and talked to her in the waiting room. I found out later, she had been admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. Long story short, she didnt leave the hospital. She went into the arms of the Lord yesterday. I have been sad and confused for so many reasons. I am sad to lose her, Fridays will be very different without her to talk to and nap with. I am sad for her family because I know that we never expect this result and never even typically let ourselves feel that this could happen. We all believe the best will happen. I do it myself. Its hard to believe that we can die. As we both sat, doing our treatments, we both believed we were getting better. If we didnt believe that, we wouldnt be doing what we were doing. Believe it or not, chemo is not a walk in the park. Until now, I have never questioned whether or not I was getting better, week by week. Now I realize that nothing is guaranteed. Its scary. Unsettling. Control-freak me has a real hard time having such little control of my health and my future. (and my hair and my boobs and my energy levels :P )
My husband and kids are still great. They keep my life normal and help me forget about everything else. Sometimes, they are also wear me out...but I assume that would be true whether I had cancer or not. :) Alayna and Alexa are in preschool now and Alayna is going to dance class each week. I am sometimes more excited for her, as she goes off to her classes. Its fun to watch them grow up...bittersweet to leave her in a classroom in the morning and know that she is gonna do just fine with out me. I do appreciate all the hugs and kisses she gives me before I leave though! :)
Theres my blog today. Its been awhile and it may be awhile again before I have something "important" to say.
I am on the home stretch. I have 4 more weekly chemo treatments left. That means roughly 45 days before my head is less shiny, and has a little bit of stubble...About 45 days till I need to start shaving my legs more than once a month (well...this is still questionable! ha!). I should be excited, but I am drained. These last four weeks feel like they should already be over. Im kinda at my wits end with the whole ordeal. Im tired of being tired.
Generally, I am very good about keeping the end in sight. With most everything, I always see a problem as a temporary issue and work on an immediate solution. With other issues in our lives, I think "We will get thru this" and just keep plugging along. And for the last 7 months I have been doing that, but its getting old. :(
Heres what is new: I am a regular ol four eyes now! Yep, I have glasses. The chemo has changed my eyesight, which is fairly normal, and after chemo is over, I have been told my sight might change more or go back to before. I have had a ton of issues with my eyes. I have had eye einfections and I have chronic dry eyes. Gritty, red, itchy, achy eyes. Just about every day. I sleep with the humidifier right next to me by the bed and an eye mask on...I convince myself that is supposed to help. But who knows? I have lost most of my eyelashes so that cuts down on the protection from stuff getting in my eyes. Also, I have been having to "draw" on my eyebrows a lot more lately.
I have been back to work for a little over two weeks. Its not hard work but it wears me out. Just the absence of my daily naps. :) There were a few nights in the last weeks that I have laid down in my bed with Alayna on one side, Paxon on the other and passed out as soon as the lights went out. I know the kids probably jumped on the bed, fought eachother or just sat talking for awhile, but I didnt hear any of it! When I woke up later in the night, and they were sleeping in totally different spots, I was slightly confused. But more worried about where exactly my husband was... I found him sleeping in Alaynas bed. When he had come to bed, he had thought we were "too cute" to move either kid to their beds. So in result, I had feet in my back AND stomache. :)
This last week has been a tough one emotionally. I lost a friend this week. I met her at the cancer center and she had chemo every Friday with me. We shared hours together every week since May. I knew from her about her family, about her old work, about her dreams for when she kicked the cancer. One week and a half ago, on Friday, she didnt come back to the "chemo" room after I saw her and talked to her in the waiting room. I found out later, she had been admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. Long story short, she didnt leave the hospital. She went into the arms of the Lord yesterday. I have been sad and confused for so many reasons. I am sad to lose her, Fridays will be very different without her to talk to and nap with. I am sad for her family because I know that we never expect this result and never even typically let ourselves feel that this could happen. We all believe the best will happen. I do it myself. Its hard to believe that we can die. As we both sat, doing our treatments, we both believed we were getting better. If we didnt believe that, we wouldnt be doing what we were doing. Believe it or not, chemo is not a walk in the park. Until now, I have never questioned whether or not I was getting better, week by week. Now I realize that nothing is guaranteed. Its scary. Unsettling. Control-freak me has a real hard time having such little control of my health and my future. (and my hair and my boobs and my energy levels :P )
My husband and kids are still great. They keep my life normal and help me forget about everything else. Sometimes, they are also wear me out...but I assume that would be true whether I had cancer or not. :) Alayna and Alexa are in preschool now and Alayna is going to dance class each week. I am sometimes more excited for her, as she goes off to her classes. Its fun to watch them grow up...bittersweet to leave her in a classroom in the morning and know that she is gonna do just fine with out me. I do appreciate all the hugs and kisses she gives me before I leave though! :)
Theres my blog today. Its been awhile and it may be awhile again before I have something "important" to say.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
August 20, 2011 /April 21 2010
Ive been thinking about this idea of living with a purpose thing a lot, and it brings me back to something I wrote on my "mommy" blog last year. So I am posting that blog here. Originally written April 2010. Im more sure now than ever I was right about all that I wrote in that blog over year ago.
My purpose
I have been doing a lot of praying, contemplating, list-making, and discussing the idea of Gods purpose for each life he creates. In particular, I have been asking him to show me (in some miraculous way) or help me understand what His purpose is for me so that I may live it. I dont believe that I was created for the ordinary, to live ordinarily. I believe I was created to do big things!
I think I have found my purpose, or rather it found me.
Furthermore, I believe that God instilled this purpose in my heart at a very young age.
Growing up, I never had a strong "calling" to any particular career, but as most high school graduates do, I believed I HAD to go to college. In 2001, I enrolled as an early elementary education major at University of Northern Iowa. I remember thinking that "Hey, I LOVE kids, I love being around them, I could do this all day!" I also had had an amazing third grade teacher who I had idolized growing up, and thought "I will be just like her! I will make kids' days at school fun!" I attended as an elementary school major for 2 yrs, and quickly the classes bored me, and it didnt seem as much "fun" as I expected it to be. The final straw was when I did my first field experience in my very own elementary school, with a teacher I knew well, and had been my sisters 2nd grade teacher. I could see the stress she experienced, I could see the demands placed on ONE woman by 23 little bodies, all needing or thinking they needed her undivided attention. Oh, how she loved having me there to help! After that month, I had decided that I, in fact, wasnt cut out to be a teacher, or at least in the sense of mainstream American schools. (Couldnt I just have a class of 6?) I was a little discouraged, but took the summer, and a terrible break up with an equally terrible boyfriend to "decide" on a new career.
Again, I thought, "I love kids, and I want to help kids and be instrumental in the lives of young children" but this time I took a more humanitarian approach. I decided I wanted to be a social work major. I played with the idea of being a school counselor, but really wanted to be an advocate for families with small children. And I also played with the idea of working for an adoption agency, helping place orphans or given up children with wonderful families. I just didnt know how I was going to make a difference all on my own. And although, I had (still have) the passion for those things, I got distraught and distracted with the school part of it, and in 2005 dropped out of college.
It was also in late 2005, that I met Dan (or knew of him) when he began working at CBE where I was now working full-time, since not attending school. In 2006, we began our dating relationship. And by December 2006, we bought a house and lived together alone without room mates (we had previously been room mates BEFORE dating..weird, I know). When that mortgage was drawn up, and those house keys were handed over, I dreamed of marriage, kids and happiness with this man. But we were immature, and to a large degree selfish, and our relationship ended in late July 2007. To get away from it all, I moved to Des Moines to "start over". How ironic that is. Dan visited me in Des Moines several weekends after I had moved there, and I had not given up on the idea that we would get back together. After many long distance talks and texts, and several sole searching nights, we began dating again in early November. A week after Thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant.
It whirlwinded from there. Dan almost immediately moved to Des Moines with me, and in February proposed to me and on May 3, 2008, we were married. I was happy, sooo happy and in love...with my husband and with my baby (GIRL) on the way!
Then a bomb went off! Shortly after getting married, Dan recieved a notice for paternity and child support of a girl that was nearly a year old by a woman he had one night stand with a month prior to us beginning our dating relationship. He took a paternity test, convinced he was not the father. Why would the mother be doing this now?? It came back 99.99% positive that he was the father of a one year old girl, named Alexa Reighn.
A month a half later, our sweet little 7 lb 1 oz baby girl was born and we named her Alayna Danielle. I had never felt such happiness. Never seen anyone so beautiful. And couldnt get over the amazement of parenthood, or this angel bedside in her bassinet. What a miracle God creates when he creates life. It is absolutely unsurmountable and an incredible testimony to His existance.
Shortly after Alaynas birth, we moved back to Waterloo, to the home we had there and began a year long custody battle over his other daughter, whom we did not know. Without getting into much detail, we needed to move back to be here near our family. We needed a support system behind us and my parents were just 20 miles away in Waverly. Without them, we would have had a hard time affording just the basic things, after Dans HUGE child support started getting taken from his paychecks. All at once, we had been hit with TREMENDOUS child support obligations, and now had a new baby with all the expenses that comes with that. I was scared. My mother saved us a lot by babysitting Alayna. Eventually, we gained visitation rights, joint legal and physical custody of Alexa.
When Alayna was 5 months, I had my yearly "womanly" exam. I asked if they would take a urine pregnancy test. Sure enough, I was pregnant again. Why had I asked them to give me this test, you might ask. Because that whole week I had been craving McDonalds...the very same thing I craved when pregnant with Alayna. We were not trying to have a baby so soon, and really were not expecting it. But we were thrilled, and a little nervous.
In October, we delivered Paxon Stephen, our first boy, weighing in at 8 lbs 14.6 oz! Did he ever make his daddy proud!! We have a future football star on our hands, according to Dan.
Each one of our children were unplanned by us, but planned by God alone. This statement by itself gives me reason to praise Him all day, every day. I have so much joy being with my children, watching them laugh, watching them learn, hearing them from the other side of a bedroom door giggling in bed together after lights have been turned off, I even enjoy watching Alayna be naughty and giggle about it. (Im amazed at how smart she is and how she has learned to "play" us, and I cant help but be a little proud of her for it.) I love the noises and the babbling Pax does.
I am a very different mother than I thought I would be. I believed I would be strict. Im not. I am lenient and a push-over. I thought I would be head over heels stressed with the responsibilities of 3 children 3yrs and younger in my home. Im not. Its soo much easier than could be imagined. It helps that I have pretty healthy, happy kids. But now I yearn to add to our family by the gift of adoption. Some people, I know look at me like Im crazy when I say I want to add to my zoo. But its what I feel is the right things for us.
I believe I was made for THIS. I believe I was made to be a mother. A mommy to Alayna and Paxon, a step "momma" to Alexa and someday an adoptive mother to other children. When discussing with others about the idea of what I feel is my purpose, I hear a voice in my head saying "Im a mother. THis is it" and I truly feel this is Gods desire. I sense that people, especially in our society now, feel that saying "I want to be a mother", not "I want to be a lawyer, doctor or teacher" is not good enough. I feel like its viewed as an unworthy answer. But I was driving one day, on my way to pick up my kids, thinking about this very thing, and a voice in my head said "Valerie, who is the most influential, most remembered woman in Christianity?" I thought MARY, OF COURSE. "And what is she remembered for? Does the bible note her as a baker, a seamstress, a cook? But is she known as being the mother of Jesus Christ, a woman I chose to raise my son? What is a more noteworthy job than that?"
So true. What is better than that? I have no shame to say my purpose is to be a mother, and I will do it everyday with passion and love, just how God intended for me. How amazing is He, that gave me this life and this "career path"...and has guided me on this road, right to what he wanted me to be.
I think I have found my purpose, or rather it found me.
Furthermore, I believe that God instilled this purpose in my heart at a very young age.
Growing up, I never had a strong "calling" to any particular career, but as most high school graduates do, I believed I HAD to go to college. In 2001, I enrolled as an early elementary education major at University of Northern Iowa. I remember thinking that "Hey, I LOVE kids, I love being around them, I could do this all day!" I also had had an amazing third grade teacher who I had idolized growing up, and thought "I will be just like her! I will make kids' days at school fun!" I attended as an elementary school major for 2 yrs, and quickly the classes bored me, and it didnt seem as much "fun" as I expected it to be. The final straw was when I did my first field experience in my very own elementary school, with a teacher I knew well, and had been my sisters 2nd grade teacher. I could see the stress she experienced, I could see the demands placed on ONE woman by 23 little bodies, all needing or thinking they needed her undivided attention. Oh, how she loved having me there to help! After that month, I had decided that I, in fact, wasnt cut out to be a teacher, or at least in the sense of mainstream American schools. (Couldnt I just have a class of 6?) I was a little discouraged, but took the summer, and a terrible break up with an equally terrible boyfriend to "decide" on a new career.
Again, I thought, "I love kids, and I want to help kids and be instrumental in the lives of young children" but this time I took a more humanitarian approach. I decided I wanted to be a social work major. I played with the idea of being a school counselor, but really wanted to be an advocate for families with small children. And I also played with the idea of working for an adoption agency, helping place orphans or given up children with wonderful families. I just didnt know how I was going to make a difference all on my own. And although, I had (still have) the passion for those things, I got distraught and distracted with the school part of it, and in 2005 dropped out of college.
It was also in late 2005, that I met Dan (or knew of him) when he began working at CBE where I was now working full-time, since not attending school. In 2006, we began our dating relationship. And by December 2006, we bought a house and lived together alone without room mates (we had previously been room mates BEFORE dating..weird, I know). When that mortgage was drawn up, and those house keys were handed over, I dreamed of marriage, kids and happiness with this man. But we were immature, and to a large degree selfish, and our relationship ended in late July 2007. To get away from it all, I moved to Des Moines to "start over". How ironic that is. Dan visited me in Des Moines several weekends after I had moved there, and I had not given up on the idea that we would get back together. After many long distance talks and texts, and several sole searching nights, we began dating again in early November. A week after Thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant.
It whirlwinded from there. Dan almost immediately moved to Des Moines with me, and in February proposed to me and on May 3, 2008, we were married. I was happy, sooo happy and in love...with my husband and with my baby (GIRL) on the way!
Then a bomb went off! Shortly after getting married, Dan recieved a notice for paternity and child support of a girl that was nearly a year old by a woman he had one night stand with a month prior to us beginning our dating relationship. He took a paternity test, convinced he was not the father. Why would the mother be doing this now?? It came back 99.99% positive that he was the father of a one year old girl, named Alexa Reighn.
A month a half later, our sweet little 7 lb 1 oz baby girl was born and we named her Alayna Danielle. I had never felt such happiness. Never seen anyone so beautiful. And couldnt get over the amazement of parenthood, or this angel bedside in her bassinet. What a miracle God creates when he creates life. It is absolutely unsurmountable and an incredible testimony to His existance.
Shortly after Alaynas birth, we moved back to Waterloo, to the home we had there and began a year long custody battle over his other daughter, whom we did not know. Without getting into much detail, we needed to move back to be here near our family. We needed a support system behind us and my parents were just 20 miles away in Waverly. Without them, we would have had a hard time affording just the basic things, after Dans HUGE child support started getting taken from his paychecks. All at once, we had been hit with TREMENDOUS child support obligations, and now had a new baby with all the expenses that comes with that. I was scared. My mother saved us a lot by babysitting Alayna. Eventually, we gained visitation rights, joint legal and physical custody of Alexa.
When Alayna was 5 months, I had my yearly "womanly" exam. I asked if they would take a urine pregnancy test. Sure enough, I was pregnant again. Why had I asked them to give me this test, you might ask. Because that whole week I had been craving McDonalds...the very same thing I craved when pregnant with Alayna. We were not trying to have a baby so soon, and really were not expecting it. But we were thrilled, and a little nervous.
In October, we delivered Paxon Stephen, our first boy, weighing in at 8 lbs 14.6 oz! Did he ever make his daddy proud!! We have a future football star on our hands, according to Dan.
Each one of our children were unplanned by us, but planned by God alone. This statement by itself gives me reason to praise Him all day, every day. I have so much joy being with my children, watching them laugh, watching them learn, hearing them from the other side of a bedroom door giggling in bed together after lights have been turned off, I even enjoy watching Alayna be naughty and giggle about it. (Im amazed at how smart she is and how she has learned to "play" us, and I cant help but be a little proud of her for it.) I love the noises and the babbling Pax does.
I am a very different mother than I thought I would be. I believed I would be strict. Im not. I am lenient and a push-over. I thought I would be head over heels stressed with the responsibilities of 3 children 3yrs and younger in my home. Im not. Its soo much easier than could be imagined. It helps that I have pretty healthy, happy kids. But now I yearn to add to our family by the gift of adoption. Some people, I know look at me like Im crazy when I say I want to add to my zoo. But its what I feel is the right things for us.
I believe I was made for THIS. I believe I was made to be a mother. A mommy to Alayna and Paxon, a step "momma" to Alexa and someday an adoptive mother to other children. When discussing with others about the idea of what I feel is my purpose, I hear a voice in my head saying "Im a mother. THis is it" and I truly feel this is Gods desire. I sense that people, especially in our society now, feel that saying "I want to be a mother", not "I want to be a lawyer, doctor or teacher" is not good enough. I feel like its viewed as an unworthy answer. But I was driving one day, on my way to pick up my kids, thinking about this very thing, and a voice in my head said "Valerie, who is the most influential, most remembered woman in Christianity?" I thought MARY, OF COURSE. "And what is she remembered for? Does the bible note her as a baker, a seamstress, a cook? But is she known as being the mother of Jesus Christ, a woman I chose to raise my son? What is a more noteworthy job than that?"
So true. What is better than that? I have no shame to say my purpose is to be a mother, and I will do it everyday with passion and love, just how God intended for me. How amazing is He, that gave me this life and this "career path"...and has guided me on this road, right to what he wanted me to be.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
August 17th 2011
I heard the BEST song this week. Im Gonna Love You Through It, by Martina McBride. I listened to it over and over when I first found out about it (My friend Ashley had texted me and told me that she heard this song that reminded her of me). I cried as I listened to it, because I always do that with songs...
Later I was thinking about how much I cried over a song, and not over my real life situation. I was trying to figure out why I was/ am that way. I can cry for hours over a song or a movie but when it comes to living a situation that I can cry about in a song, I am perfectly fine and much stronger.
I think that the reason that I am ok with having cancer is because I have a purpose in life. My purpose is to be a wife and mother. Cancer hasnt taken that away from me, so I am still doing what I was made to do. Im not broken. My husband is loving and accepting and supportive. I dont love how I look, but I know that he is still here, accepting me and waiting this out with me. I love everyday with my kids. I love all the little moments from hearing one of them say a new word, the kids hugging and kissing (and mauling) eachother, big wide smiles, hearing them talk and giggle behind closed doors at bedtime...There is still so much good left in my life. I still have everything that I ever dreamed of having, and have the children and husband I have wanted since I was a child playing "house." And I am busy everyday with serving my purpose. My life hasnt stopped in anyway.
Thats why Im ok. Thats why I am not sitting, crying about my diagnosis, surgery or chemo. Ive still got God-given purpose.
Later I was thinking about how much I cried over a song, and not over my real life situation. I was trying to figure out why I was/ am that way. I can cry for hours over a song or a movie but when it comes to living a situation that I can cry about in a song, I am perfectly fine and much stronger.
I think that the reason that I am ok with having cancer is because I have a purpose in life. My purpose is to be a wife and mother. Cancer hasnt taken that away from me, so I am still doing what I was made to do. Im not broken. My husband is loving and accepting and supportive. I dont love how I look, but I know that he is still here, accepting me and waiting this out with me. I love everyday with my kids. I love all the little moments from hearing one of them say a new word, the kids hugging and kissing (and mauling) eachother, big wide smiles, hearing them talk and giggle behind closed doors at bedtime...There is still so much good left in my life. I still have everything that I ever dreamed of having, and have the children and husband I have wanted since I was a child playing "house." And I am busy everyday with serving my purpose. My life hasnt stopped in anyway.
Thats why Im ok. Thats why I am not sitting, crying about my diagnosis, surgery or chemo. Ive still got God-given purpose.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
August 13 2011
Its been forever since I have wrote on here...
I think that cancer has become such an everyday, all day way of life for me lately, that I dont feel like there is much interesting to write on the subject. And I have been very busy with Alaynas 3rd birthday in July, signing girls up for preschool and dance class and dr appts and chemo each week.
I am now doing taxol and herceptin each week. I have 9 more weeks left and hopefully I am all done with chemo forever! For some reason, this drug just immediately knocks me out and I sleep through the whole 2-3 hours of treatment. When I wake up, I feel so groggy the rest of that day.
But overall this treatment is much much easier to take than the last. I have more energy (not completely the same as not doing chemo), am not nauseous, and I have my taste buds back! My hair is even starting to grow back but right now I look more like a q-tip than I want. :) Heat still really gets me, and the day following treatment I always feel like I am burning up. I have also had another round of staph infection a few weeks ago which I was worried about and have had reoccuring eye infections, and really dry eyes.
But its really not that terrible. Just looking forward to it being all over, getting my "real" implants and moving on from "having cancer." There are days that its a little more overwhelming, emotionally. Its hard to feel womanly when you dont have hair, dont have breasts, and in my case, have gained weight from lack of energy/ exercise. I sometimes just long to pull my hair back in a ponytail. It will be a LONG time before I can do that again. But I am looking forward to it.
I go back to work in September, although I will not be finished with chemo. I will work part time until chemo is done and Ive had my last reconstructive surgery sometime in November or December. Whew! What a long process it all is.
My kids are doing great, have always done great with it all...I think we did a great job of making the whole process seem everyday/ normal. They never had much to worry about. I am very blessed that they are so young. Maybe they will not remember these days when they are older.
I think that cancer has become such an everyday, all day way of life for me lately, that I dont feel like there is much interesting to write on the subject. And I have been very busy with Alaynas 3rd birthday in July, signing girls up for preschool and dance class and dr appts and chemo each week.
I am now doing taxol and herceptin each week. I have 9 more weeks left and hopefully I am all done with chemo forever! For some reason, this drug just immediately knocks me out and I sleep through the whole 2-3 hours of treatment. When I wake up, I feel so groggy the rest of that day.
But overall this treatment is much much easier to take than the last. I have more energy (not completely the same as not doing chemo), am not nauseous, and I have my taste buds back! My hair is even starting to grow back but right now I look more like a q-tip than I want. :) Heat still really gets me, and the day following treatment I always feel like I am burning up. I have also had another round of staph infection a few weeks ago which I was worried about and have had reoccuring eye infections, and really dry eyes.
But its really not that terrible. Just looking forward to it being all over, getting my "real" implants and moving on from "having cancer." There are days that its a little more overwhelming, emotionally. Its hard to feel womanly when you dont have hair, dont have breasts, and in my case, have gained weight from lack of energy/ exercise. I sometimes just long to pull my hair back in a ponytail. It will be a LONG time before I can do that again. But I am looking forward to it.
I go back to work in September, although I will not be finished with chemo. I will work part time until chemo is done and Ive had my last reconstructive surgery sometime in November or December. Whew! What a long process it all is.
My kids are doing great, have always done great with it all...I think we did a great job of making the whole process seem everyday/ normal. They never had much to worry about. I am very blessed that they are so young. Maybe they will not remember these days when they are older.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
July 5th 2011
We are in Branson on a family vacation! I wish I could say it is relaxing...but we have three kids under 4, so its really not, but at least its been fun, for the most part.
I havent written on here for quite awhile because I havent found the words to say...and really I still havent been able to put accurately into words the way that I feel. On June 25th, my friends and family threw a benefit for me at the Waverly Country Club. So many people were there and even some I didnt recognize. It was extremely overwhelming and amazing that so many people were and are there to support me. Its also very hard for me to accept. I have a hard time allowing people to help me (watching my kids, paying for expenses, making us dinners...). I have been helped soo much in the last four months with dinners brought to our home by church members and family members, with hundreds lifting me and my family up in prayer, with family watching our kids when I have chemo or surgery or doctor appointments, and by this benefit. I have recieved many cards of encouragement and support that have caught me off guard and several that have made me cry.
Several people, my nearly lifelong friend, Stacy Doughan, my friend Stephanie Boecker, my new friend, Nichole Jones, my mom, my sister in law, Gena, my aunt Ruth Mick and many others put a lot of time, effort and sweat into putting this benefit on for me. I really appreciate their work and all the donors and people who attended. Nearly all my family was there and I was able to have some fun while my kids were running around and others were keeping an eye on them. The best part was that it was a great day for me, health-wise. I seemed to have a lot of energy and was able to speak to most that were there. Although I dreaded a night with so much attention on me, I was able to relax and actually enjoy it all.
The whole night was bittersweet because it also fell on my Grandma Micks birthday. The girls didnt know this when planning the event, it just so happened that this was the only night available. For those who dont know, my Grandma passed away from cancer in 2007. She first had breast cancer, had a mastectomy, then the cancer spread to her liver and colon. She fought a long battle and I watched as the cancer take her slowly, and cruelly. Grandma was the strongest woman I have known, while fighting for her life. And she also had a very strong faith for Jesus...and accepted her fate and was ready when He took her home with Him to heaven.
Since being diagnosed with cancer, I have missed her more and more. I wish she was here so I could ask her questions and talk with her about whats going on with me. I ask Dad regularly things that start with "Do you remember when Grandma had...." You can fill those blanks in with "chemo", "her mastectomy" most often. She is buried less than 4 blocks from my home and I walk up there often to talk to her. My Grandmas favorite color was pink, a little ironic, I know. And even though she had four boys, she kept true to her feminine side and wore pink as much as she could.
I felt very much like Grandma was there with us at the benefit, how happy she would have been to have the family all together. I loved it that we were all together on her actual birthday.
I am very blessed for the people I have in my life, all the people who arent in my life but helped out when they heard about my story, and I am blessed with the people that I have had in my life, who are now gone.
ok...gotta jump in the shower, and get going with the vacation thing...kids are depending on me. :)
I havent written on here for quite awhile because I havent found the words to say...and really I still havent been able to put accurately into words the way that I feel. On June 25th, my friends and family threw a benefit for me at the Waverly Country Club. So many people were there and even some I didnt recognize. It was extremely overwhelming and amazing that so many people were and are there to support me. Its also very hard for me to accept. I have a hard time allowing people to help me (watching my kids, paying for expenses, making us dinners...). I have been helped soo much in the last four months with dinners brought to our home by church members and family members, with hundreds lifting me and my family up in prayer, with family watching our kids when I have chemo or surgery or doctor appointments, and by this benefit. I have recieved many cards of encouragement and support that have caught me off guard and several that have made me cry.
Several people, my nearly lifelong friend, Stacy Doughan, my friend Stephanie Boecker, my new friend, Nichole Jones, my mom, my sister in law, Gena, my aunt Ruth Mick and many others put a lot of time, effort and sweat into putting this benefit on for me. I really appreciate their work and all the donors and people who attended. Nearly all my family was there and I was able to have some fun while my kids were running around and others were keeping an eye on them. The best part was that it was a great day for me, health-wise. I seemed to have a lot of energy and was able to speak to most that were there. Although I dreaded a night with so much attention on me, I was able to relax and actually enjoy it all.
The whole night was bittersweet because it also fell on my Grandma Micks birthday. The girls didnt know this when planning the event, it just so happened that this was the only night available. For those who dont know, my Grandma passed away from cancer in 2007. She first had breast cancer, had a mastectomy, then the cancer spread to her liver and colon. She fought a long battle and I watched as the cancer take her slowly, and cruelly. Grandma was the strongest woman I have known, while fighting for her life. And she also had a very strong faith for Jesus...and accepted her fate and was ready when He took her home with Him to heaven.
Since being diagnosed with cancer, I have missed her more and more. I wish she was here so I could ask her questions and talk with her about whats going on with me. I ask Dad regularly things that start with "Do you remember when Grandma had...." You can fill those blanks in with "chemo", "her mastectomy" most often. She is buried less than 4 blocks from my home and I walk up there often to talk to her. My Grandmas favorite color was pink, a little ironic, I know. And even though she had four boys, she kept true to her feminine side and wore pink as much as she could.
I felt very much like Grandma was there with us at the benefit, how happy she would have been to have the family all together. I loved it that we were all together on her actual birthday.
I am very blessed for the people I have in my life, all the people who arent in my life but helped out when they heard about my story, and I am blessed with the people that I have had in my life, who are now gone.
ok...gotta jump in the shower, and get going with the vacation thing...kids are depending on me. :)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
June 14th 2011
I heard this song for the first time called "When Pink is Just a Color Again" this week. And I got to thinking about how much PINK has become my life. Pink used to symbolize Victorias Secret or baby girls. Now it really means a war on breast cancer...or surviving breast cancer...or loving someone with breast cancer. To me, it sometimes means trying to be feminine after youve had your breasts removed and you are bald from chemo! :)
I hold a special place in my heart for vehicles that pass me on the highway with a pink ribbon on their back window. My heart races for a minute..and I wonder about how breast cancer has affected that particular driver.
My girls sleep everynight with a pink blanket that my sister gave them and in the corner there is a pink ribbon. Each girl struggles to find that ribbon before going to bed, holding it. They both say that pink ribbon will "make Mommy better" and so they fall asleep with that little part of the blanket up near them, usually in their hands. When they see pink ribbons, they shout and point them out. At that tiny little age, I never gave one thought to illness. I certainly didnt know what cancer was, or what a ribbon represented. It touches me deeply how they both hold that ribbon so tight because they think that small little pink loop will make me better some day...and help my hair grow, Alexa says.
Pink will never be just a color for me since my diagnosis. And I dont think it will for my girls...Or anyone affected by cancer. It becomes something more...It becomes HOPE.
Here is that song; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QKxsiRYC9Q
I hold a special place in my heart for vehicles that pass me on the highway with a pink ribbon on their back window. My heart races for a minute..and I wonder about how breast cancer has affected that particular driver.
My girls sleep everynight with a pink blanket that my sister gave them and in the corner there is a pink ribbon. Each girl struggles to find that ribbon before going to bed, holding it. They both say that pink ribbon will "make Mommy better" and so they fall asleep with that little part of the blanket up near them, usually in their hands. When they see pink ribbons, they shout and point them out. At that tiny little age, I never gave one thought to illness. I certainly didnt know what cancer was, or what a ribbon represented. It touches me deeply how they both hold that ribbon so tight because they think that small little pink loop will make me better some day...and help my hair grow, Alexa says.
Pink will never be just a color for me since my diagnosis. And I dont think it will for my girls...Or anyone affected by cancer. It becomes something more...It becomes HOPE.
Here is that song; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QKxsiRYC9Q
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