We are half way thru 2013. A totally crazy year for me. First, I turned THIRTY! Whew, so glad I made it. When Dan and I started dating, I used to joke with him that I would never turn 30, I thought I would die young at 29. When I got cancer, I had terrible anxiety that that joking had been some kind of premonition. Back then, I didnt have as much to live for. Thirty just sounded OLD. But now, I have beautiful children and I dont want to miss any of their young lives. So getting closer to my big bday, I was getting scared that maybe I wasnt gonna make it. Terrible anxiety. But I did. Im officially out of my twenties! I think even better things will be these ten years.
Also, Dan and I celebrated our 5th anniversary! That kinda flew by but its also incredible what weve gone thru in those 5 years. Two babies have been born, his mother has passed away, we have moved two times, gone thru four vehicles, I was diagnosed with cancer, weve struggled over custody of his other daughter. I feel like the first 5 years can be titled "The Fight". Not a fight with eachother, but more for eachother. Its been a struggle constantly, but weve made it thru and now life is settling down.
In April, we got a placement of a 4 day old newborn girl. We have all grown to love her. I feel like she completes this family, and I no longer have that anxiety that our family is unfinished. If it is God's will, we would love to adopt her, if that is where the road takes us.
In a few days, my precious Alayna will be 5. (Insert feeling of a kick in the stomach here) Shes not my baby anymore. She has opinions on her clothes and shoes, and generally all things. She wants her hair straightened instead of her natural curls. She uses phrases like "Seriously??" and "Really?" with the finesse and attitude of any sixteen year old girl. Shes bossy with her brother, and sometimes her parents. Shes inherited the manipulation skills of her mother, and convinces her brother often how he really wants what she has, so she can take what he has. She is generally happy and exciteable as I was as a kid. She genuinely loves her family. She is a cuddler, a sharer of ALL experiences, a thoughtful girl, a nurturer to her baby sister.
I also will be sending this princess off to kindergarten in one short month (insert feeling of vomit :P)
And my baby, Pax, will start preschool. (Ahh)
This May, I had a petscan and an MRI and both came back with no, I repeat, NO sign of cancer anywhere. More than 2 years post-mastectomy, and no cancer has reappeared. Such a relief. Knowing that, I am comfortable with my future. I feel a bit more reassured that our finances will settle down and medical bills will slowly go away.
And this year, wonderful 2013, I have become a stay at home mom. I will get to bring and pick up the kids from and to school. I plan to walk them to school until it gets too cold. Some mornings, we could ride bikes. I get to do everything I want to. This makes me happier than Ive ever been.
I dont know what else will happen in the last half of 2013, but I am excited!
Sunday, July 21, 2013
July 21 2013
Sunday, May 6, 2012
May 6th, 2012
It has been forever since I wrote on here, and am writing to update my life for those who still like to check this site.
First: I have hair. It was so weird when I started to get little stubble back. Honestly, its gotta be like when babies first get hair. And like mothers of babies know, baby hair is unpredictable and often unmanageable. Same thing happened here. Its coming back kinda curly/ wavy. I have a hard time with having such short hair after having such long hair most of my life. I dont really know what to do with it.
Second: I have energy back. I stopped having the taxol/ herceptin chemo back in October. I continue to have herceptin treatment every three weeks until August, but it doesnt have any negative affects on me other than making me tired for the rest of that afternoon. In October, I also started taking the oral medication, tamoxifen that blocks the hormone estrogen. Shortly after, I started having very bad headaches and blurry vision. I would literally just have to close my eyes and go to sleep (or try to) so that my blurry vision would stop driving my crazy. So about 6 weeks ago, I decided to stop taking it. It just wasnt worth it to me. I have placed faith in God, and believe I dont need this drug to prevent a reoccurance of cancer. I have faith His will will be done with me, with my life. And I have decided to have much less faith in medicines.
So overall, I have a lot more energy, and truly didnt realize how little energy I had before until I started actually feeling like doing stuff again.
Third: I completed my reconstruction surgery in December. It was a piece of cake and everything went well and the healing was easy and painless.
Fourth: I celebrated my Cancerversary March 24th with several friends. It had been one year since my surgery. Two weeks after, I participated in my first Relay for Life at UNI. Doing the survivor lap was kinda intense, having so many people supporting and cheering for me and the other survivors.
Fifth: Our family has made several new lifestyle changes. First, we leased out our first "green space" in Waverly. (Green spaces are lots that once contained a flood damaged home, that FEMA bought out and then the City demolished the house. These lots can not be built on in the future, so most will sit empty or can be leased for gardens) We have started a very large garden on our first lot. We also are leasing the lot that is right next to our garden, which we plan to start our own orchard on.
So far we have planted carrots, spinach, lettuce, radishes, potatoes, onions, tomatoes, and peppers. We still have green beans, cucumbers and squash to get into the garden, but our off and on again rainy weekends have made it hard to get those going. On our actual home property, we have a small garden with strawberries, asparagus, blueberry bushes and raspberry bushes. On our orchard lot, I want to plant apple trees and pear trees. We will start small because the trees are expensive, so it will evolve over time.
We hope to be able to not only live primarily off our garden produce, but be able to share veggie baskets with friends and family.
Also, in March, we got chicks. And for my birthday, Dan made me my own small chicken coop. We have 4 hens that we are trying to feed mostly vegetables and foods that we eat. We will have approx 16-20 eggs a week when they start laying in late summer. (and yes, we will be sharing those as well!)
I like to consider myself an urban farmer. :)
With the exception of the eggs (once the chicks start laying), our family has become vegetarian. And while I never would have predicted that I would stop eating meat, it has been wonderful for my family and me.
It all kinda fell into place. First, my insurance company had sent me several readings on starting a plant-based diet to reduce the risk of cancer occurance. Then, this gardening thing kinda hit our family and excited me with the prospective of "living off the land" and saving money on the grocery bill.
While planning the garden, I was seeking scripture about what God has instructed us to eat. What I found was: Genesis 1:29 Then God said, "Look! I have given you every seed-bearing plant throughout the earth and all the fruit trees for your food. This was God's original plan. Although, later in Genesis, after sin had entered the picture, He gave humans the authority to use all living and moving creatures as food, I still feel like His original plan is the purest and best way to live. After all, after He gave humans the seed-bearing plants and fruit trees, He looked around and saw that all was good! :)
It hasnt been hard to stop eating meat, for me anyway. In fact, making new foods that are beautiful with their rainbow of colors from variety of veggies, is fun. Its also rewarding to know how much better my kids are eating now that they are getting meals that are chuck full of veggies and fruits (meaning full of vitamins and anti-oxidants). Dan eats Clif Protein bars to ensure he has protein for his weight-lifting and working out, and so he can keep his muscles. I am very blessed to have a man that not only gives my opinions time to be heard, but also took the time to learn what I had been reading and accept this lifestyle for our whole family.
And then there have been things in the news that, of course, helped with the vegetarian cause. Anyone heard of pink slime? How about salmonella or e-coli?
Sixth (and final for this post): Dan and I have started taking our ten week course to become foster parents. I have believed that we were called to have a non-traditional yet loving and close family. And I believe this is the route that God has lead us to. At this time, we plan to foster small children (0-5 yrs) and hopefully adopt through the system. I think we will only adopt one child, but am willing to accept what God has in store for us.
Weve been busy, and I know we will continue to be so until our kids are having their own families, and we are retired and can sit on our front porch, watching the Cedar River and reading the newspaper together (if people still read the newspaper in those days)
First: I have hair. It was so weird when I started to get little stubble back. Honestly, its gotta be like when babies first get hair. And like mothers of babies know, baby hair is unpredictable and often unmanageable. Same thing happened here. Its coming back kinda curly/ wavy. I have a hard time with having such short hair after having such long hair most of my life. I dont really know what to do with it.
Second: I have energy back. I stopped having the taxol/ herceptin chemo back in October. I continue to have herceptin treatment every three weeks until August, but it doesnt have any negative affects on me other than making me tired for the rest of that afternoon. In October, I also started taking the oral medication, tamoxifen that blocks the hormone estrogen. Shortly after, I started having very bad headaches and blurry vision. I would literally just have to close my eyes and go to sleep (or try to) so that my blurry vision would stop driving my crazy. So about 6 weeks ago, I decided to stop taking it. It just wasnt worth it to me. I have placed faith in God, and believe I dont need this drug to prevent a reoccurance of cancer. I have faith His will will be done with me, with my life. And I have decided to have much less faith in medicines.
So overall, I have a lot more energy, and truly didnt realize how little energy I had before until I started actually feeling like doing stuff again.
Third: I completed my reconstruction surgery in December. It was a piece of cake and everything went well and the healing was easy and painless.
Fourth: I celebrated my Cancerversary March 24th with several friends. It had been one year since my surgery. Two weeks after, I participated in my first Relay for Life at UNI. Doing the survivor lap was kinda intense, having so many people supporting and cheering for me and the other survivors.
Fifth: Our family has made several new lifestyle changes. First, we leased out our first "green space" in Waverly. (Green spaces are lots that once contained a flood damaged home, that FEMA bought out and then the City demolished the house. These lots can not be built on in the future, so most will sit empty or can be leased for gardens) We have started a very large garden on our first lot. We also are leasing the lot that is right next to our garden, which we plan to start our own orchard on.
So far we have planted carrots, spinach, lettuce, radishes, potatoes, onions, tomatoes, and peppers. We still have green beans, cucumbers and squash to get into the garden, but our off and on again rainy weekends have made it hard to get those going. On our actual home property, we have a small garden with strawberries, asparagus, blueberry bushes and raspberry bushes. On our orchard lot, I want to plant apple trees and pear trees. We will start small because the trees are expensive, so it will evolve over time.
We hope to be able to not only live primarily off our garden produce, but be able to share veggie baskets with friends and family.
Also, in March, we got chicks. And for my birthday, Dan made me my own small chicken coop. We have 4 hens that we are trying to feed mostly vegetables and foods that we eat. We will have approx 16-20 eggs a week when they start laying in late summer. (and yes, we will be sharing those as well!)
I like to consider myself an urban farmer. :)
With the exception of the eggs (once the chicks start laying), our family has become vegetarian. And while I never would have predicted that I would stop eating meat, it has been wonderful for my family and me.
It all kinda fell into place. First, my insurance company had sent me several readings on starting a plant-based diet to reduce the risk of cancer occurance. Then, this gardening thing kinda hit our family and excited me with the prospective of "living off the land" and saving money on the grocery bill.
While planning the garden, I was seeking scripture about what God has instructed us to eat. What I found was: Genesis 1:29 Then God said, "Look! I have given you every seed-bearing plant throughout the earth and all the fruit trees for your food. This was God's original plan. Although, later in Genesis, after sin had entered the picture, He gave humans the authority to use all living and moving creatures as food, I still feel like His original plan is the purest and best way to live. After all, after He gave humans the seed-bearing plants and fruit trees, He looked around and saw that all was good! :)
It hasnt been hard to stop eating meat, for me anyway. In fact, making new foods that are beautiful with their rainbow of colors from variety of veggies, is fun. Its also rewarding to know how much better my kids are eating now that they are getting meals that are chuck full of veggies and fruits (meaning full of vitamins and anti-oxidants). Dan eats Clif Protein bars to ensure he has protein for his weight-lifting and working out, and so he can keep his muscles. I am very blessed to have a man that not only gives my opinions time to be heard, but also took the time to learn what I had been reading and accept this lifestyle for our whole family.
And then there have been things in the news that, of course, helped with the vegetarian cause. Anyone heard of pink slime? How about salmonella or e-coli?
Sixth (and final for this post): Dan and I have started taking our ten week course to become foster parents. I have believed that we were called to have a non-traditional yet loving and close family. And I believe this is the route that God has lead us to. At this time, we plan to foster small children (0-5 yrs) and hopefully adopt through the system. I think we will only adopt one child, but am willing to accept what God has in store for us.
Weve been busy, and I know we will continue to be so until our kids are having their own families, and we are retired and can sit on our front porch, watching the Cedar River and reading the newspaper together (if people still read the newspaper in those days)
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
November 2th, 2011
Just a quick update.
Im done with Taxol weekly. Have been done for a few weeks with that, and I have realized that taxol was what I was allergic to, because I have still been doing herceptin and my rash is gone. Thats a relief.
I will be doing herceptin every three weeks until July. Its not so bad...time consuming but ok. I will also start tamoxifen this week. This is the medication that will block estrogen and progesterone hormones from producing. (I think)
My hair is stubbles. Not thick yet, but it is starting to grow somewhat.. so theres always something to look forward to! :)
I have had the discussion (again) to clarify about my ability to conceive. My doctor said that it is somewhat possible, but he would not recommend it now. In fact, he says if I got pregnant in next few years, he would encourage abortion. (Terrible!) Because I will now be on tamoxifin for 5 years, I will most likely be infertile. And even if I am not, he would not want me to get pregnant for roughly 4 years. If I did decide to try to concieve after that time, it poses a risk of cancer reoccurance because of the increase in estrogen and progesterone levels during and after pregnancy. (Remember, I am estrogen and progesterone positive, meaning my cancer spreads more when there are those hormones present)
So I have succumbed to the fact that biologically, I am finished. I know that I am lucky that I have my children, but its still sad. I wish I had known that Paxon would be my last pregnancy and delivery. I would have cherished it more.
Theres always the adoption option and we really, really consider that. We have always considered it, even before this situation. But international adoptions require cancer patients to be in remission for 5 years before even being able to start the paperwork. That would mean it will be 7 or 8 years before we would be actually adopting. We may look into adopting domestically, from the foster care system. Who knows? Sometimes I am scared for the children I have now, scared that they may not have their mom around forever. I know as time goes on, our path will become abundantly clear. Sometimes waiting for that kills me. Id like to know right now what our future holds.
Last week, I had bronchitis. It wiped me out. I was actually super scared that I had pneumonia. I know that I am a little skiddish, but if I am sick, I want to fix it quickly so it doesnt get so bad that it is unfixable.
Im better now. Back to chasing kids and cleaning messes! :) Back to the stuff I live for.
Im done with Taxol weekly. Have been done for a few weeks with that, and I have realized that taxol was what I was allergic to, because I have still been doing herceptin and my rash is gone. Thats a relief.
I will be doing herceptin every three weeks until July. Its not so bad...time consuming but ok. I will also start tamoxifen this week. This is the medication that will block estrogen and progesterone hormones from producing. (I think)
My hair is stubbles. Not thick yet, but it is starting to grow somewhat.. so theres always something to look forward to! :)
I have had the discussion (again) to clarify about my ability to conceive. My doctor said that it is somewhat possible, but he would not recommend it now. In fact, he says if I got pregnant in next few years, he would encourage abortion. (Terrible!) Because I will now be on tamoxifin for 5 years, I will most likely be infertile. And even if I am not, he would not want me to get pregnant for roughly 4 years. If I did decide to try to concieve after that time, it poses a risk of cancer reoccurance because of the increase in estrogen and progesterone levels during and after pregnancy. (Remember, I am estrogen and progesterone positive, meaning my cancer spreads more when there are those hormones present)
So I have succumbed to the fact that biologically, I am finished. I know that I am lucky that I have my children, but its still sad. I wish I had known that Paxon would be my last pregnancy and delivery. I would have cherished it more.
Theres always the adoption option and we really, really consider that. We have always considered it, even before this situation. But international adoptions require cancer patients to be in remission for 5 years before even being able to start the paperwork. That would mean it will be 7 or 8 years before we would be actually adopting. We may look into adopting domestically, from the foster care system. Who knows? Sometimes I am scared for the children I have now, scared that they may not have their mom around forever. I know as time goes on, our path will become abundantly clear. Sometimes waiting for that kills me. Id like to know right now what our future holds.
Last week, I had bronchitis. It wiped me out. I was actually super scared that I had pneumonia. I know that I am a little skiddish, but if I am sick, I want to fix it quickly so it doesnt get so bad that it is unfixable.
Im better now. Back to chasing kids and cleaning messes! :) Back to the stuff I live for.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
October 9th, 2011
Statistics:
Ive never written on here about my "numbers." But I have been thinking about them a lot lately.
Based on my type of cancer and the stage at which we found it, I have a 75% chance at surviving the next 5 years, meaning not dying from this or recurring cancer. These numbers are based on me having the surgery AND chemotherapy. If I hadnt done the chemotherapy, the numbers are lower.
These numbers are all over the internet, and are concurrent with what my doctor has advised me.
I dont know about you, but knowing that "statisticly" I have a 25% chance at dying before my son turns 7 years old, freaks me out! It doesnt sound like "good and favorable" odds.
I have a lot I want to do still...and this whole year has somewhat limited me in what I can do, physically and financially. I makes me angry, really. But I cant wait to move on from this stage (chemo and weekly dr visits) and start really living...no matter how long it is that I get a chance to do so.
I AM going to do a missions trip to an orphanage in Africa, no matter how I manage to get it done, in the next five years. I AM going to see the ocean (I still have never..I know thats crazy) with my kids and collect seashells. I AM going to continue to live for all the giggles and squeals from my kiddos. I AM going to do the Susan Komen 3-day walk/run next year...and I have a lot of training to do to get ready for it! And I AM going to encourage my children's relationship with Jesus throughout the next few years, so they know of His love now and forever.
Thats just what is important on my mind today. Ha, arent I crazy?
Little bit of whats going on this week:
Im allergic to something. My hands, feet, really whole body is sooo itchy. I have a rash especially on my hands and feet. I have had it a little bit for about a month but it starting getting pretty terrible to stand. Constant itching kinda makes me crazy. The doctor is thinking that it may be an allergic reaction to the herceptin. I had to start taking prednisone, and benadryl. Had to have a Ct scan to rule out a pulmonary embolism, an echocardiagram to check my heart and a 24 hr heart monitor. All came back ok. Still a little itchy, and doctor did not give me chemo this week.
If I am actually allergic to herceptin, it poses a bit of a problem for me. Because I am Her2+, herceptin is the only drug to use and very important to stop the growth of any cancerous cells. The doctor plans to continue to give me herceptin for another 9 months. Her2+ is the most aggressive, fastest growing form of breast cancer, so I would be much better off taking herceptin, than not. The doctor mentioned giving me herceptin, but also prescribing me prednisone with it. I will know more next week.
Ive never written on here about my "numbers." But I have been thinking about them a lot lately.
Based on my type of cancer and the stage at which we found it, I have a 75% chance at surviving the next 5 years, meaning not dying from this or recurring cancer. These numbers are based on me having the surgery AND chemotherapy. If I hadnt done the chemotherapy, the numbers are lower.
These numbers are all over the internet, and are concurrent with what my doctor has advised me.
I dont know about you, but knowing that "statisticly" I have a 25% chance at dying before my son turns 7 years old, freaks me out! It doesnt sound like "good and favorable" odds.
I have a lot I want to do still...and this whole year has somewhat limited me in what I can do, physically and financially. I makes me angry, really. But I cant wait to move on from this stage (chemo and weekly dr visits) and start really living...no matter how long it is that I get a chance to do so.
I AM going to do a missions trip to an orphanage in Africa, no matter how I manage to get it done, in the next five years. I AM going to see the ocean (I still have never..I know thats crazy) with my kids and collect seashells. I AM going to continue to live for all the giggles and squeals from my kiddos. I AM going to do the Susan Komen 3-day walk/run next year...and I have a lot of training to do to get ready for it! And I AM going to encourage my children's relationship with Jesus throughout the next few years, so they know of His love now and forever.
Thats just what is important on my mind today. Ha, arent I crazy?
Little bit of whats going on this week:
Im allergic to something. My hands, feet, really whole body is sooo itchy. I have a rash especially on my hands and feet. I have had it a little bit for about a month but it starting getting pretty terrible to stand. Constant itching kinda makes me crazy. The doctor is thinking that it may be an allergic reaction to the herceptin. I had to start taking prednisone, and benadryl. Had to have a Ct scan to rule out a pulmonary embolism, an echocardiagram to check my heart and a 24 hr heart monitor. All came back ok. Still a little itchy, and doctor did not give me chemo this week.
If I am actually allergic to herceptin, it poses a bit of a problem for me. Because I am Her2+, herceptin is the only drug to use and very important to stop the growth of any cancerous cells. The doctor plans to continue to give me herceptin for another 9 months. Her2+ is the most aggressive, fastest growing form of breast cancer, so I would be much better off taking herceptin, than not. The doctor mentioned giving me herceptin, but also prescribing me prednisone with it. I will know more next week.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
October 1st, 2011
Its October 1st, meaning Breast Cancer Awareness Month has kicked off! Today Dan and I, with the kids, took part in the Pink Ribbon 5k Run/Walk (emphasis on WALK) in Cedar Falls. Gena, her boyfriend, Tyler and my good friend Stacy Doughan and her daughter Courtney joined us. It was so good to get out and see sooo much support in one place. (So much pink) Crossing the finish line, I felt a little emotional, even though I had just walked the whole way. It felt great to be a part of something where so many people come out to support and encourage the survivors or people going through the whole process right now.
Yesterday, I found out that although I am going to be done with the drug Taxol for good, I am not nearly done with chemo. I am also doing herceptin with the taxol right now, and was told that I will be continuing to get herceptin treatments for another 9 months. So, boo! I thought I was almost done. Not close. The good thing is herceptin doesnt affect my hair, so after I am done with taxol, I will still start growing hair back. Thats fun. My head is pretty darn cold these days!
Yesterday, I found out that although I am going to be done with the drug Taxol for good, I am not nearly done with chemo. I am also doing herceptin with the taxol right now, and was told that I will be continuing to get herceptin treatments for another 9 months. So, boo! I thought I was almost done. Not close. The good thing is herceptin doesnt affect my hair, so after I am done with taxol, I will still start growing hair back. Thats fun. My head is pretty darn cold these days!
Monday, September 26, 2011
September 26th, 2011
I read an article in REAL SIMPLE this week about a woman with breast cancer. It was eery to read. Things that she has gone thru sounded and felt so much like my own experience.
One thing the author said, after she had starting getting exhausted with the experience, which I think is the stage I am in lately, is that she got really sick of being the one that makes others feel like their lives are blessed. That is EXACTLY how I have felt lately. I am tired of feeling like people meet me or talk to me, and walk away later and discuss how blessed their lives are in comparison to mine. And I know people do this. I would have done this after talking to a cancer patient if it had been a year ago...
Less than three weeks and I am back to "normal"...whatever that is. I dont think things will ever be the same, but Im sure I will create a new "normal." I cant wait to look normal so that people cant easily distinguish me as sick...
Dont get me wrong, I am glad that people have the opportunity to sit and examine their lives for a moment and realize how good they have it. But I still feel like, in general, I am blessed too. (Have you seen my ADORABLE kids and hunky husband???)
One thing the author said, after she had starting getting exhausted with the experience, which I think is the stage I am in lately, is that she got really sick of being the one that makes others feel like their lives are blessed. That is EXACTLY how I have felt lately. I am tired of feeling like people meet me or talk to me, and walk away later and discuss how blessed their lives are in comparison to mine. And I know people do this. I would have done this after talking to a cancer patient if it had been a year ago...
Less than three weeks and I am back to "normal"...whatever that is. I dont think things will ever be the same, but Im sure I will create a new "normal." I cant wait to look normal so that people cant easily distinguish me as sick...
Dont get me wrong, I am glad that people have the opportunity to sit and examine their lives for a moment and realize how good they have it. But I still feel like, in general, I am blessed too. (Have you seen my ADORABLE kids and hunky husband???)
Thursday, September 22, 2011
September 22 2011
Its been awhile since I really wrote on here...so I am attempting.
I am on the home stretch. I have 4 more weekly chemo treatments left. That means roughly 45 days before my head is less shiny, and has a little bit of stubble...About 45 days till I need to start shaving my legs more than once a month (well...this is still questionable! ha!). I should be excited, but I am drained. These last four weeks feel like they should already be over. Im kinda at my wits end with the whole ordeal. Im tired of being tired.
Generally, I am very good about keeping the end in sight. With most everything, I always see a problem as a temporary issue and work on an immediate solution. With other issues in our lives, I think "We will get thru this" and just keep plugging along. And for the last 7 months I have been doing that, but its getting old. :(
Heres what is new: I am a regular ol four eyes now! Yep, I have glasses. The chemo has changed my eyesight, which is fairly normal, and after chemo is over, I have been told my sight might change more or go back to before. I have had a ton of issues with my eyes. I have had eye einfections and I have chronic dry eyes. Gritty, red, itchy, achy eyes. Just about every day. I sleep with the humidifier right next to me by the bed and an eye mask on...I convince myself that is supposed to help. But who knows? I have lost most of my eyelashes so that cuts down on the protection from stuff getting in my eyes. Also, I have been having to "draw" on my eyebrows a lot more lately.
I have been back to work for a little over two weeks. Its not hard work but it wears me out. Just the absence of my daily naps. :) There were a few nights in the last weeks that I have laid down in my bed with Alayna on one side, Paxon on the other and passed out as soon as the lights went out. I know the kids probably jumped on the bed, fought eachother or just sat talking for awhile, but I didnt hear any of it! When I woke up later in the night, and they were sleeping in totally different spots, I was slightly confused. But more worried about where exactly my husband was... I found him sleeping in Alaynas bed. When he had come to bed, he had thought we were "too cute" to move either kid to their beds. So in result, I had feet in my back AND stomache. :)
This last week has been a tough one emotionally. I lost a friend this week. I met her at the cancer center and she had chemo every Friday with me. We shared hours together every week since May. I knew from her about her family, about her old work, about her dreams for when she kicked the cancer. One week and a half ago, on Friday, she didnt come back to the "chemo" room after I saw her and talked to her in the waiting room. I found out later, she had been admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. Long story short, she didnt leave the hospital. She went into the arms of the Lord yesterday. I have been sad and confused for so many reasons. I am sad to lose her, Fridays will be very different without her to talk to and nap with. I am sad for her family because I know that we never expect this result and never even typically let ourselves feel that this could happen. We all believe the best will happen. I do it myself. Its hard to believe that we can die. As we both sat, doing our treatments, we both believed we were getting better. If we didnt believe that, we wouldnt be doing what we were doing. Believe it or not, chemo is not a walk in the park. Until now, I have never questioned whether or not I was getting better, week by week. Now I realize that nothing is guaranteed. Its scary. Unsettling. Control-freak me has a real hard time having such little control of my health and my future. (and my hair and my boobs and my energy levels :P )
My husband and kids are still great. They keep my life normal and help me forget about everything else. Sometimes, they are also wear me out...but I assume that would be true whether I had cancer or not. :) Alayna and Alexa are in preschool now and Alayna is going to dance class each week. I am sometimes more excited for her, as she goes off to her classes. Its fun to watch them grow up...bittersweet to leave her in a classroom in the morning and know that she is gonna do just fine with out me. I do appreciate all the hugs and kisses she gives me before I leave though! :)
Theres my blog today. Its been awhile and it may be awhile again before I have something "important" to say.
I am on the home stretch. I have 4 more weekly chemo treatments left. That means roughly 45 days before my head is less shiny, and has a little bit of stubble...About 45 days till I need to start shaving my legs more than once a month (well...this is still questionable! ha!). I should be excited, but I am drained. These last four weeks feel like they should already be over. Im kinda at my wits end with the whole ordeal. Im tired of being tired.
Generally, I am very good about keeping the end in sight. With most everything, I always see a problem as a temporary issue and work on an immediate solution. With other issues in our lives, I think "We will get thru this" and just keep plugging along. And for the last 7 months I have been doing that, but its getting old. :(
Heres what is new: I am a regular ol four eyes now! Yep, I have glasses. The chemo has changed my eyesight, which is fairly normal, and after chemo is over, I have been told my sight might change more or go back to before. I have had a ton of issues with my eyes. I have had eye einfections and I have chronic dry eyes. Gritty, red, itchy, achy eyes. Just about every day. I sleep with the humidifier right next to me by the bed and an eye mask on...I convince myself that is supposed to help. But who knows? I have lost most of my eyelashes so that cuts down on the protection from stuff getting in my eyes. Also, I have been having to "draw" on my eyebrows a lot more lately.
I have been back to work for a little over two weeks. Its not hard work but it wears me out. Just the absence of my daily naps. :) There were a few nights in the last weeks that I have laid down in my bed with Alayna on one side, Paxon on the other and passed out as soon as the lights went out. I know the kids probably jumped on the bed, fought eachother or just sat talking for awhile, but I didnt hear any of it! When I woke up later in the night, and they were sleeping in totally different spots, I was slightly confused. But more worried about where exactly my husband was... I found him sleeping in Alaynas bed. When he had come to bed, he had thought we were "too cute" to move either kid to their beds. So in result, I had feet in my back AND stomache. :)
This last week has been a tough one emotionally. I lost a friend this week. I met her at the cancer center and she had chemo every Friday with me. We shared hours together every week since May. I knew from her about her family, about her old work, about her dreams for when she kicked the cancer. One week and a half ago, on Friday, she didnt come back to the "chemo" room after I saw her and talked to her in the waiting room. I found out later, she had been admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. Long story short, she didnt leave the hospital. She went into the arms of the Lord yesterday. I have been sad and confused for so many reasons. I am sad to lose her, Fridays will be very different without her to talk to and nap with. I am sad for her family because I know that we never expect this result and never even typically let ourselves feel that this could happen. We all believe the best will happen. I do it myself. Its hard to believe that we can die. As we both sat, doing our treatments, we both believed we were getting better. If we didnt believe that, we wouldnt be doing what we were doing. Believe it or not, chemo is not a walk in the park. Until now, I have never questioned whether or not I was getting better, week by week. Now I realize that nothing is guaranteed. Its scary. Unsettling. Control-freak me has a real hard time having such little control of my health and my future. (and my hair and my boobs and my energy levels :P )
My husband and kids are still great. They keep my life normal and help me forget about everything else. Sometimes, they are also wear me out...but I assume that would be true whether I had cancer or not. :) Alayna and Alexa are in preschool now and Alayna is going to dance class each week. I am sometimes more excited for her, as she goes off to her classes. Its fun to watch them grow up...bittersweet to leave her in a classroom in the morning and know that she is gonna do just fine with out me. I do appreciate all the hugs and kisses she gives me before I leave though! :)
Theres my blog today. Its been awhile and it may be awhile again before I have something "important" to say.
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